{"id":4664,"date":"2022-07-29T15:28:46","date_gmt":"2022-07-29T15:28:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ceoofyour.life\/?p=4664"},"modified":"2022-10-03T13:28:16","modified_gmt":"2022-10-03T13:28:16","slug":"guilt-as-a-saboteur","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ceoofyour.life\/fr\/2022\/07\/guilt-as-a-saboteur\/","title":{"rendered":"La culpabilit\u00e9 comme saboteur"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tell me\u2026 What role does guilt play in your life?<\/h2>\n

I need to make a confession. I only recently realized that guilt was one of my biggest Saboteurs. I knew I had trouble with guilt sometimes, but I didn\u2019t realize that guilt was driving so much of my decision making until a recent session with an energy healer, Marie Danielle Boyer. I couldn\u2019t believe it. After years of coaching, even more years of personal growth, I found myself asking, \u201cHow do I stop constant feelings of guilt?\u201d<\/p>\n

For me, guilt was cropping up most when it came to making decisions around people close to me. I grew up as the oldest child in my family. I was expected to set an example for my younger siblings and to think about other people before considering my own needs. It was ingrained in me that my choices impacted others and that I was responsible for what they did as a result. If a younger sibling misbehaved, it was my fault because I must have failed to set the right example. As a result, I felt a lot of anxiety around making decisions. I worried constantly that I wasn\u2019t good enough and that I was letting my family down.<\/p>\n

When I first began coaching, I would book client sessions at all times of the day. If a client was only available in the evenings, I felt it was my responsibility to put their needs first and create time for them, regardless of my own needs. I felt so guilty at the idea of not meeting their needs, that I completely neglected my own well-being. Sure enough, I burnt out. Hard. Even my physical health was struggling.<\/p>\n

\"\"That burnout was one of my first red flags (truthfully, first one that I noticed) that guilt was playing a big role in my decision making. I realized I had to prioritize my health and well-being, get clear on my boundaries, and establish a solid schedule. One that included flexibility, but also effectively guarded the personal time I needed to care for myself and my life outside of work. After all, there was no way I could support my clients if I continued to cycle through burnout after burnout!<\/p>\n

This realization helped me create balance in my life, but the guilt was still holding on.<\/p>\n

For years, I had wanted to attend a particular leadership conference. Year after year, I put it off. Going would mean leaving my son in someone else\u2019s care. That worried me endlessly. I cringed at the idea of someone else making his school lunches and them not being healthy enough. Ensuring he ate well felt like such a foundational part of my role as a parent. If he didn\u2019t eat well, that would be my fault. He might feel sick or sluggish, and not be able to focus at school. That would be on me! And what about catching the bus on time? Or washing his school uniforms? It felt like there were a lot of balls in the air, and if any of them dropped, it would be my fault.<\/p>\n

I wish I could say that I had a grand realization, but I think I just got tired of guilt running the show. I finally told myself that if I were away for a few days, things would be different for my son, but that would be ok. He would still be safe and loved, and if he missed the bus one day, it wouldn\u2019t be the end of the world. It might even help him develop his independence!<\/p>\n

With that, I started to feel fueled by the retreat. I went, learned so much, met great people, and became a better coach as a result of the experience. Yes, my son did have popcorn for supper one day, but he enjoyed it and I got over it :) Little by little, I was learning to let go of guilt.<\/p>\n

\"\"I\u2019ve since learned of this awesome concept from the author, Nora Roberts<\/a>, about how to handle the feeling of too many balls in the air. She says the key is to recognize that some of the balls are glass, and some are plastic. The plastic ones can fall and won\u2019t break. You can pick them up later. The glass ones will shatter, so they need to be our priority. My son\u2019s overall diet is a glass ball for me. But his diet for a few days is a plastic one. Not fun to drop, but there\u2019s no guilt in letting it fall if it means keeping a glass ball – like my own health – from shattering.<\/p>\n

The thing is, I often guide clients on how to deal with guilt and regret. On an intellectual level, I know how to identify it and work through it. But, on an energetic level, something was clouding my vision. By accepting support from my healer, I was able to broaden my understanding and start taking practical steps to overcome it. We all need help sometimes and that\u2019s nothing to feel guilty about ;)<\/p>\n

So\u2026 Can I now tell you how to stop feeling guilty? Yes\u2026 and no. We can\u2019t control our feelings. We can\u2019t simply turn off the \u201cguilty tap\u201d and stop the flow. Instead, we need to become curious about it, confront our guilt, learn from it, and take control of how we respond to it. With time and intention, the guilt will come up less frequently and have less power when it does.<\/p>\n

Though you can never truly stop a feeling from ever happening, you can regulate its impact on your life.<\/p>\n

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False Guilt vs. Genuine Guilt<\/b><\/h2>\n

The French word for guilt is \u2018culpabilite\u2019, which directly translates to \u2018culpability\u2019. As I work in both French and English, I come across \u2018culpabilite\u2019 often. I like this word because it can really help identify genuine guilt vs. false guilt.<\/p>\n

When we think of guilt as culpability, we can understand it as knowing and wanting to harm someone, and doing it anyway<\/b>. We knew it would cause harm, we wanted to cause harm, we are culpable in the outcome. Often, the things we feel guilty about aren\u2019t actually causing harm, and we certainly aren\u2019t knowing and wanting to cause harm. That\u2019s false guilt. It\u2019s a real feeling – a very real emotional experience – but we aren\u2019t actually guilty or culpable of anything.<\/p>\n

When you do or say something to someone else (or yourself), you are responsible (not guilty) for your intentions. You are also responsible (not guilty) for how you respond when someone does or says something to you.<\/p>\n

If you knowingly and willingly did something with the intention<\/b> of causing hurt, then you would probably feel guilty and that would be genuine guilt. You knew it would cause harm, you had the intention to cause harm, and you willfully carried it out. If those three criteria aren\u2019t fulfilled – knowing, wanting and intending – it\u2019s false guilt.<\/p>\n

Be aware of your intentions, mindful of your reactions, and take responsibility ONLY for what you are actually responsible for.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s imagine you want to set a boundary<\/a> with a family member. Imagine this person often brings up things from the past that are hurtful. You want to draw a boundary with them, but feelings of guilt keep coming up and stopping you.<\/p>\n

In that situation, ask yourself, \u201cIn setting this boundary, is it my intention to cause harm?\u201d<\/p>\n

The answer is, most likely, no. Yes, a person\u2019s feelings might be hurt, but that is their responsibility to regulate. You are only responsible for your intentions and how you show up.<\/p>\n

Now, maybe it IS your intention to hurt the person. Maybe they\u2019ve caused you hurt, and a part of you wants them to feel hurt as well. This is human! And it\u2019s another reason to be aware of your intentions. What you feed is what grows. It\u2019s normal to want to hurt someone who hurt you. But, acting on that will only grow those negative feelings and bring in more guilt. By being aware of your intentions and conscious of your response, you can make the choice to grow something better within yourself.<\/p>\n

If you determine that your intention is not to hurt anyone, and you \u00a0do your best to set the boundary in a respectful way, you are not guilty, culpable or responsible for the other person\u2019s reaction.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s try a simpler example (boundaries can be an especially complex minefield for guilt). Let\u2019s say you want to start taking some time for yourself. Maybe you want to take a class, pick up a new hobby, spend an evening with friends, or even just have some solo time. You feel guilty because it\u2019s taking time away from your family – possibly even spending money on yourself instead of your kids or something more \u201cworthy\u201d.<\/p>\n

Once again, ask yourself, \u201cIs it my intention to cause harm by taking care of myself?\u201d<\/p>\n

Is your family actually harmed by losing one hour of your time per week? Is your future actually at risk by diverting some funds to yourself? Is anyone actually suffering by you making yourself a priority?<\/p>\n

Once again, the answer is no and it\u2019s false guilt holding you back. A real feeling, but a false interpretation of the facts.<\/p>\n

If we\u2019ve done something to hurt another person, guilt comes up to tell us we need to make amends and reevaluate our choices in the future. It\u2019s the \u201cI made a mistake and I feel horrible\u201d feeling. If we\u2019re thinking about doing something to intentionally cause harm, guilt comes up as a warning to consider another path. That\u2019s genuine guilt.<\/p>\n

False guilt is when we start feeling guilty for things that aren\u2019t actually harming anyone, that we aren\u2019t responsible for, or that we have no control over.<\/p>\n

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False <\/b>Guilt as a Saboteur<\/b><\/h2>\n

Your inner Saboteurs<\/a> are those voices in your head that try to hold you in your comfort zone. They tend to crop up when you think about trying something new, doing something for yourself, or trying to shift your mindset.<\/p>\n

Here is what the guilt Saboteurs might sound like:<\/strong><\/p>\n