Harnessing Momentum Tunnels for a Powerful Morning Routine

March 10, 2025/in Career Coaching, Leadership, Talent Management/by melissadawn

“Whether you practice them consciously or not, your life is filled with regular habits and rituals that hold you where you are. Consciously creating new ones is a vital part of taking authorship of your life. It’s where you start to put theory into action.”
— Melissa Dawn, Why Can’t I Just Be Me

Imagine stepping into each day with clarity, confidence, and a deep sense of purpose—fully present and leading with intention.

What would that look like to you? What would it create for you in life and leadership?

How you start your morning shapes how you lead, how you connect, and how you navigate challenges. It sets the tone for your energy, decision-making, and emotional resilience.

In fact, many executives and high-level leaders attribute their success to structured, mindful morning routines. They know that how they begin the day impacts their ability to respond, rather than react, and empowers them to approach whatever the day brings with intention and purpose.

A well-crafted morning routine is one of the most powerful tools you have—not just for personal fulfillment, but for leading with heart and strategy, in even the most challenging times.

In this article, we’ll explore:

✔️ The leadership impact of daily routines
✔️ Why is a morning routine important for leadership presence?
✔️ How your habits influence your team and organizational culture
✔️ The power of momentum tunnels—and how to harness them
✔️ How to create a morning routine that stick (5 steps)
✔️ Strategies for sustaining long-term success

The Leadership Impact of Daily Routines

The small things we do every day—our habits, rhythms, and routines—create the foundation for our leadership or executive presence.

Studies show that intentional routines:

✨ Reduce stress and decision fatigue
✨ Increase focus and productivity
✨ Enhance emotional intelligence and resilience

Conversely, unstructured or reactive habits can contribute to burnout, distraction, and decision fatigue.

When we consciously design our routines, we create momentum that fuels both our leadership and well-being.

That’s why it’s essential to:

🌿 Practice routines with intention—aligning them with the kind of leader you want to be.
🌿 Reassess them when you want to grow—because leadership is an ongoing journey.

Why is a Morning Routine Important for Leadership Presence?

How you begin your day influences how you show up for others.

🌤️ A rushed, chaotic morning? Likely leads to scattered focus and reactive decision-making.
🌿 A mindful, intentional morning? Sets the foundation for confidence, clarity, and presence.

Think of it like planting seeds. The habits you cultivate in the morning determine the type of leadership energy you bring into the day, which influences what grows within and for your team.

Take a moment to reflect:

🔍 How does my current morning routine shape my leadership presence?
🔍 Am I setting a tone of clarity, focus, and responsiveness?
🔍 What small shift could help me show up more intentionally?

A great morning routine isn’t just about productivity—it’s about leading yourself first, so you can lead others more effectively.

How Your Morning Routine Shapes Your Team

Leadership is not just about what you say; it’s about the energy you bring into every interaction. This is a critical part of the type of influence you have as a leader.

🌊 When you start your day calm, focused, and centered, your team feels that.
🌊 When you start rushed, reactive, and overwhelmed, that energy carries through as well.

Just as a strong leader creates stability in times of change, a strong morning routine creates internal stability, allowing you to lead with confidence and heart.

Momentum Tunnels: The Key to Lasting Change

Every habit—whether intentional or not—creates a momentum tunnel, a pattern that gains traction over time.

If your current habits generate stress, distraction, or exhaustion, you are reinforcing negative momentum. The good news? You can shift momentum in a new direction.

How to Create Positive Momentum

✨ Pause negative momentum – Identify habits that drain your leadership energy.
✨ Build new momentum – Establish rituals that align with your leadership vision.
✨ Close the exits to old habits – Remove easy temptations that pull you back into old routines.

Example: Replacing a Habit That Drains Energy

Let’s say your first action each morning is checking your phone. This might:

⚠️ Pull you into reactive mode instead of setting your own priorities.
💭 Flood your mind with outside demands before you’ve had time to ground yourself.
🌊 Trigger stress and decision fatigue before the day even begins.

By replacing this with five minutes of mindful breathing or strategic reflection, you begin shifting momentum in a positive direction.

So… What does a good morning schedule look like? It’s one that is aligned with your inner leader to create tunnels of positive momentum for yourself, and your entire team.

How to Close the Exits to Old Habits

Change doesn’t stick when easy exits are left open. Here’s what closing an exit could look like:

🚪 Habit to Shift: Checking emails first thing.
🔑 How to Close the Exit:

Charge your phone outside the bedroom.
Use a physical alarm clock instead of your phone.
Set a “no emails before 8 AM” boundary for yourself.

⏳ Habit to Shift: Hitting snooze repeatedly.
🌞 How to Close the Exit:

Place your alarm clock across the room.
Use an app like Alarmy, which requires scanning a preset object (e.g., your bathroom mirror) before turning off.

Small, intentional shifts like these close off exits, reinforce new momentum, and increase your probability (and speed) of success.

Ask Yourself:

What momentum tunnels are currently reinforced by your morning routine?
Is this momentum working FOR you or AGAINST you?

Understanding the power and pull of momentum tunnels provides key insight into how to build a morning routine that actually sticks.

How to Create a Morning Routine That Sticks (5 Steps)

Step 1: Get Clear on Your Leadership Vision

Before changing your routine, define what success looks like for you.

📖 What values do I want to lead with each day?
📖 How do I want to feel in the morning?
📖 Does my current routine set me up for that vision?
📖 Does my routine align with my purpose?

Note that not everyone resonates with the idea of a singular life purpose. If that’s you, consider a concept like Ikigai, which infuses daily actions with a sense of purpose.

Step 2: Start Small—One Shift at a Time

🌱 Focus on just one key change at a time.

🔹 Pause a habit that no longer serves you.
🔹 Introduce a habit that fuels your leadership.

Choose something that feels motivating and easy enough to integrate. Think of it like building momentum on a bicycle. You don’t start by trying to pedal uphill. Start on level ground and build from there.

Step 3: Design a Routine That Fuels You

A well-rounded morning routine supports:

🧠 Mind – Reflection, journaling, strategic planning.
💪 Body – Movement, hydration, nourishing breakfast, sunlight.
❤️ Spirit – Mindfulness, gratitude, meaningful connection.

In designing your morning routine, consider your WHOLE LIFE fulfillment. What areas do you need to work on? What areas can you build from? To get a full picture, download our whole life assessment wheel.

Step 4: Build Momentum Gradually

🔹 Layer in new habits over time—small wins create lasting success.
🔹 Adjust as needed—your routine should evolve with you.
🔹 Expect a dip—motivation fluctuates, but consistency sustains progress.

Step 5: Implement & Reassess

🔹Commit to your new routine for a set time (e.g., 30 days).
🔹Reflect: What’s working? What needs adjusting?
🔹Optimize: Make small shifts to keep momentum going.

Intentional reassessment is part of an intentional routine. When you do so, you’re not just optimizing your day, you’re leading yourself with intention, which will propel you to new heights in your work and life.

Final Thoughts: Leading with Intention

Your morning routine isn’t just about habit-building—it’s about setting the foundation for how you lead.

✨ When you lead yourself with clarity and heart, you lead others more powerfully.
✨ When you begin your day with intention, you elevate not just your own experience, but the experience of everyone around you.

If you are ready to cultivate routines that fuel your leadership—and want expert guidance from Master Certified Coaches who specializes in heart-centered executive leadership—we would love to support you.

Let’s start the conversation. 🌿

The “Right” Leadership Mix to Transform Organizations

September 22, 2023/in Being True To Yourself, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by melissadawn

Let me ask you… What vision do you hold for your organization? To make that vision reality, will your organization or team need to undergo a transformation? If so, is your current leadership style and/or leadership mix set up to inspire and drive that transformation?

So many companies, leaders and leadership teams want to create change within their organizations. They can often clearly see what they want to create and the results they want to achieve, but it’s the path from A to B that remains unclear. Other times, the path is clear, but knowing how to get the people you lead to walk that path – successfully and enthusiastically – is where the vision gets murky.

This is where we come to the power of influence, and a leadership mix that leans into inspiration, motivation and empowerment. It’s most often called transformational leadership and its effectiveness can be widespread in organizations that fully embrace the approach.

In this article, we’ll explore:

What is transformational leadership?
How does transformational leadership differ from other leadership styles?
What are the key benefits of transformational leadership?
What are the 4 elements of transformational leadership?
What are the 5 C’s of transformational leadership?
How to begin implementing transformational leadership

What is Transformational Leadership?

Transformational leadership is a leadership style that was first introduced in 1973 by sociologist, James V. Downton, and was expanded upon in the 80’s by Bernard M. Bass (a scholar in the fields of leadership studies and organizational behaviour) to include methods of measuring the style’s success.

At heart, transformational leadership is an approach rooted in relationships, trust and accountability. It was pioneered as a management style that would inspire innovation without micromanaging, spark excitement for change, empower autonomy within people’s roles, and establish relationships of trust, respect, loyalty and support. The idea was that by focusing on relationship-building, employees would be inspired to want to go above and beyond, to bring their absolute best to the work that they do, and to be motivated by a sense of shared purpose.

In practice, it is an intensely hands-on leadership approach because it demands accountability on the part of leadership in terms of cultivating an engaging environment, building strong relationships and providing full support for employee growth and success. At the same time, it is incredibly hands-off, in that leaders must trust that people are naturally resourceful, creative and whole, and that when given autonomy in their roles, they will bring their absolute best to the work that they do.

How Does Transformational Leadership Differ from Other Leadership Styles?

Traditional leadership styles are transactional where people have a sense of duty that’s based on rewards and compensation.

Now, it should go without saying that people deserve to be adequately compensated, and there can even be benefits to using money and other rewards to motivate, but as you’ll learn here, those pros come with cons. And, as you’ll learn from Harvard Business Review, the whole spectrum of intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation is pretty complex. One valuable pearl we can take from it all though, is that if we want people to be engaged with their work, money alone isn’t enough. Further, if we neglect the richness of non-transactional leadership, we could easily see epidemics of burnout and quiet quitting within our organizations.

This is where transformational leadership comes in. It is a relationship-centered style that hinges on leaders working with others – their own teams and others within the organization – outside their own self-interests in order to influence genuine, sustainable change and success.

While the desired result of this leadership style is, of course, business success (which includes financial success), the driving force behind it is deeply human, genuine and passionate. It’s a style of authentic leadership that can become the backbone of organizational resilience because it empowers leaders, teams and individual employees to stay energized, optimistic and focused, even during the most chaotic times.

What are the Key Benefits of Transformational Leadership?

The benefits can be far-reaching and specific to situations, industries, individuals, and so on.

Some of the more general benefits are that it:

Establishes a culture of trust
Empowers ownership and accountability
Focuses on building intrinsic motivation and finding joy and purpose in our work
Develops greater confidence in decision-making
Cultivates an environment of collaboration and co-creativeness
Empowers innovative, strategic thinking
Promotes professional growth and development
Involves all employees in the big picture vision
Promotes professional vulnerability
Eases transitions such as mergers, reorganizations and redeployments
Generates sustainable motivation in individuals and teams
Cultivates resilience through challenging or chaotic times

That last one can be particularly impactful as just about every organization will experience upheavals. In such times, it’s common to switch into reactive-mode and focus more on immediate tactics over broader strategy. This can feel like it makes sense in high-pressure moments, but when we step back, we see how this tends to create long term problems, even if it does address short term issues.

Establishing a transformational leadership approach during times of calm empowers you and the people around you to hold onto the big picture vision during even the most chaotic times, which puts you in a position to make those critical short term decisions in alignment with the long term big picture.

What are the 4 Elements of Transformational Leadership?

If you’ve heard of transformational leadership before, you may also have heard of the 4 elements, sometimes called the four I’s of transformational leadership. Transformational leadership is truly a way of being, so there is no step-by-step guide to implementing it. Instead, we have high-level elements or fundamentals that serve to guide our way of being.

The 4 elements are:

Idealized influence: Idealized influence is essentially charisma, and contrary to popular belief, it can be learned and become an authentic element of your way of being as a leader.
To exercise idealized influence means being an agent of positive influence and setting the ultimate example for how to be within the team and organization. It does not mean being perfect; rather, it includes owning your mistakes, acting with integrity, being willing to take risks, and standing by an established set of core values, especially when it’s hard to do so.
A leader with idealized influence models the way forward with courage and compassion. In this way, they build trust within their teams, and their teams develop confidence in their leader.
Inspirational motivation: This is the ability to inspire others, particularly through cultivating a sense of shared purpose. Someone with inspirational motivation is able to articulate a vivid and compelling vision, illustrate how each person’s (and the overall team’s) contribution fits into that vision, and is clear in their expectations of both themselves and others.
With inspirational motivation, it’s critical to communicate a vision and expectations that genuinely resonate with people. Key to this is a skill known as bounded optimism – essentially, optimism about the future, about potential and about possibilities, while staying grounded in the reality of circumstances. Let’s say your team is down a member, but still expected to achieve the same results within the same time period. Bounded optimism doesn’t shy away from this. Instead, you get real about what that will mean for the team, while still communicating optimism about success, and digging in as a co-creator to help find the way forward.
Intellectual stimulation: This is the ability to keep people engaged by keeping their work interesting, challenging and intellectually rewarding.
Keeping people engaged and intellectually stimulated also means empowering autonomy, involving them in decision-making, providing opportunities to take risks, challenging assumptions, and always opening the floor to new ideas.
Critical to this is that it must be safe to be wrong, take risks, make mistakes, and so on. Truly top-tier talent wants intellectual stimulation. If they don’t have the opportunities, or if they don’t feel safe to challenge themselves, your best people will likely move on.
Remember that creativity is what keeps organizations relevant, competitive and successful, and it can only thrive where it is fully embraced.
Individualized consideration: As a leader, you have to consider the well-being of the team and the organization. As a transformational leader, you must also consider the individuals within the team.
This means getting to know their individual strengths, interests, values and goals, continually guiding them to bring out more of that, and actively finding and creating opportunities for them to use their strengths and grow in the direction they want to grow.
It’s about taking a genuine interest in people as human beings to understand what motivates them and what drains them, to support their development, and to be excited for their personal growth. Remember that at the heart of transformational leadership is relationships. If you want people to back you as a leader, you need to back them as people.

What are the 5 C’s of Transformational Leadership?

We just did the 4 I’s… and now the 5 C’s? Over the years and leadership research, theory and practice, there have been many efforts to simplify the way leadership styles are taught, making those styles more accessible during stressful or chaotic times. After all, who wants to be reaching for a textbook mid-crisis?

Some of these efforts have been more impactful than others and thus, you’ll hear them referenced more often. When it comes to transformational leadership, the 4 I’s and 5 C’s are the ones that come up most.

There’s a lot of overlap between the two, so I’ll keep the explanations brief here:

Clarity – Be clear in your vision, your expectations, a shared purpose, what challenges may lay ahead, and your plan to overcome them, even if that plan currently includes unknowns. Be transparent about it all.
Confidence – In yourself and others. Trust that you and the people you lead are naturally resourceful, creative and whole, and that you all have the skills to problem-solve and co-create solutions.
Connection – Build genuine connections with the people you lead. This doesn’t have to mean being everyone’s best friend. It means cultivating relationships wherein others come to know that they can trust you, rely on you, and count on your support.
Commitment – Commit to integrity, to your shared purpose, to your vision and to the success of the people around you, including the people you lead, others within the organization, your customer base, partners, suppliers and so on.
Creativity – Adopt a continual willingness to explore different ideas, perspectives and ways of doing things. Always ask, “How can we create from this?”

How to Begin Implementing Transformational Leadership

One of the most impactful leadership principles I’ve learned through my years of training with the International Coach Federation, particularly through my Master Certified Coach training, is that a true leader takes 100% responsibility. I always work with people to bring this forward as a principle of empowerment, not blame.

Old, traditional forms of leadership and management lean heavily into a sort of carrot-and-stick approach that puts people on the defensive and understandably reactive to the concept of blame. Unconditional responsibility is completely separate from blame. Instead, it’s about recognizing that each one of us has full authorship of how we show up and respond and that it’s up to us to grab onto that, get ourselves into the CEO seats of our own lives, and begin creating what we want for ourselves.

What does that have to do with implementing transformational leadership? Well, the first step of any transformation is to transform your own approach. If you want to transform your team, you have to transform the way you lead. To be able to meet people with the 4 I’s and 5 C’s, you need to first develop your inner leader to ensure that you are bringing your best self to your role before expecting anyone else to do so. It’s key that you do the work to tune into your whole self, to get up close and personal with your own hopes, fears, values and motivations, to connect with your intuition and the messages of your own body, and to fully understand what it means to you to be fully engaged with your work before you turn to inspiring others.

If you would like guidance for yourself, your organization or your leadership team on embracing and implementing transformational leadership, I invite you to connect with me, check out my workshop topics, and see what coaching approaches are available through CEO of Your Life.

Key Takeaways:

Transformational leadership is relationship-centered and rooted in trust that you and the people you lead are naturally resourceful, creative and whole.
This approach to leadership builds sustainable, intrinsic motivation that empowers both creativity and resilience within your organization.
Implementing transformational leadership demands first igniting transformation within yourself.

7 Best Practices for Terminating Employees with Empathy, Dignity and Compassion

September 14, 2023/in Business Coaching, Career, Career Coaching, Leadership, Talent Management/by melissadawn

7 Best Practices for Terminating Employees with Empathy, Dignity and Compassion

Let me ask you… How do you feel when someone is being phony or inauthentic with you? What about when they try to downplay bad news?

Letting an employee go is never easy, for either side, but the discomfort can be compounded when the delivery of the bad news feels phony, robotic, or lacking in humanity. It can amplify or even create feelings of anger, shame, bitterness, and so on.

Usually, when someone delivers news in a “phony” way, it’s because they’ve been advised by people trying to protect the company (which is valid and we’ll explore more), or they’re trying to minimize the discomfort of the situation (which is also valid and we’ll also explore). The problem is, neither of these goals are truly achieved when we remove humanness from the conversation.

In this article, we’ll explore:

Why it matters to “fire well”
What to do before deciding to let someone go
7 best practices for terminating an employee relationship
FAQs about letting employees go
What NOT to do

Why it Matters to “Fire Well”

To “fire well” means that you’ve done your due diligence in trying to make things work before deciding to fire, that you approach termination with empathy, dignity and compassion, and that you consider the well-being of your remaining employees.

Doing this well matters for 3 key reasons:

You will never know the full impact of treating someone with genuine decency and respect, and I promise you that the impact will be positive, even in a negative situation.
Your remaining employees will be watching and remembering, and how you handle the situation will impact their relationship with you and the organization, and that will impact their engagement, motivation and loyalty.
Chances are good that you or the organization will cross paths with this person again, especially in certain industries. They may not end up working for a competitor, but they could end up holding a role with a client, supplier or partner. They may not be your biggest fan, but they should be able to say that you were fair and that you treated them the best you could in difficult circumstances.

Terminating someone’s employment doesn’t have to mean burning a bridge, and it’s in everyone’s best interests to lead from your heart in approaching the situation.

What to do Before Deciding to Let Someone Go

There are typically two reasons for terminating an employee:

There has been a shift within the organization, market or economy.
The employee’s performance isn’t up to par with the expectations of the role.

In terms of the first reason, there isn’t much you can do aside from ensuring there truly is no other viable option for the organization. Some companies are looking at alternatives to layoffs, and it’s worthwhile to explore options such as furloughs and job sharing, but understandably, these alternatives just aren’t going to work for all organizations, industries or roles. Once it’s been determined that layoffs have to happen, there are some avenues to explore. In cases where a position is being cut in only one department, you may be able to suggest alternate roles within the company. I’ve seen some companies tell employees that major shifts were coming and give a period of time for people to volunteer to take a package. I’ve also heard of leaders reaching out to other companies that may consider hiring employees they had to let go. It matters to go above and beyond the “business case” and to reach for humanity. After all, it isn’t just the individual impacted, but their families, communities and others around them.

In terms of the second reason, make sure you truly have done everything you can to make things work for the employee. Have the difficult conversations that need to be had. Look into coaching, mentoring or development programs. Try different goal setting strategies. Strive to understand the employee’s perspective. Be as clear as possible about expectations and dig deep to understand why they are not being met. Ask yourself if you have done everything you can in terms of removing obstacles and/or providing resources. Involve HR or other leaders, if relevant.

Above all, make sure the termination does not come as a surprise. If there is a problem, termination should never be an employee’s first notice of that problem.

7 Best Practices

What are the key tips for terminating an employee with empathy, dignity, and compassion? Here are 7 best practices:

Take care of your heart first

We’re all familiar with the analogy of putting our own oxygen mask on first. It means that if we want to be of any good to anyone else, we need to prioritize our own needs.
In the context of an air emergency, you could lose consciousness. In the context of a termination, if you haven’t addressed your own thoughts and feelings around the situation, you could so easily become triggered by their reactions, which could lead you to become hostile or defensive, to say things you shouldn’t say, to make it about you and your feelings, or some other reaction that only amplifies the difficulty for the other person, and even yourself.
Think of yourself as the flight attendant in the situation. You need to be at your absolute best so that you can remain calm, kind and supportive. Do the work to cultivate a sense of calm and connectedness within yourself. Ask yourself if you’re sliding into one of these disempowerment roles, and make a plan to stay out of that role. If you find yourself ruminating on possible outcomes and how the other person will react, explore how non-attachment can alleviate that stress and empower you to show up with compassion. Ask yourself what you need to do just before the conversation. Maybe you need to pray, meditate, exercise, listen to music, play with your dog, take a walk, call a friend or mentor. Think about what will help you bring your best self forward, and make a plan for it.
Be human and speak from the heart

Speak like a person; like you. People can tell when they’re being fed platitudes and corporate speak, and that can add to the negative feelings that come up for them. It makes a difficult conversation so much more painful.
Often, HR will want you to follow a specific script, usually for legal reasons, but they may also be trying to make the experience as compassionate as possible, and have drafted a script that uses all the “right” phrases. The thing is, people know when they’re being fed a script and there’s no dignity or compassion in being on the receiving end of one.
By all means, use a script as a guideline, and absolutely be sure you know what you legally can and cannot say. But instead of a rote recital, tap into the part of your heart that recognizes the human being on the other side of the table, and use your own words. Let humanity come through in your tone, your eye contact, your body language. Lean forward, not away. Keep your arms and hands open, not crossed or fists clenched. Look the person in the eye when you deliver the news. Lean into transparency, which absolutely can be done while maintaining professionalism.
Let the person know that you are there to support them in any way you can (and within the company’s legal terms, of course). This can mean helping them with references or introductions, setting up regular meetings to offer advice on their job search, keeping your own ears open for potential job opportunities and so on.
Practice outloud, ideally with HR or someone who can advise you from a legal perspective

Legal issues are not something I usually talk about, but I’m bringing the topic up often in this article because it is a critical part of a difficult task.
If there’s a provided script, do use that as a sort of outline and practice delivering the message in a more genuine way. Practice it out loud, and ideally practice with someone from HR who can give you pointers on what’s ok and what isn’t, but also practice with someone who can give you genuine feedback on the tone of your delivery.
Practicing out loud is actually one of the things that will put you most at ease (or as close to it as possible, given the circumstances) about the actual event, and will help you confront whatever emotions you’re experiencing beforehand. That will help you get out of any kind of disempowering mindset, and into a mindset of empathy, respect and humanity. I have done this with many clients and it helps relieve a lot of stress. It helps them feel more confident and genuine going into the conversation, which prevents putting any additional stress or discomfort on the person being let go.
Take the personal out of it

One of the most critical steps you can take is to prepare yourself to not take anything personally. In fact, I strongly believe that taking things personally is one of the top things leaders should strive not to do, in all circumstances.
When you have to let someone go, emotions will likely run high, and as difficult as the task may be for you, the person on the other side of the conversation has a lot more at stake. Not only is this a loss of income for them, but also a loss of benefits, social connections, daily routine, and possibly even part of their self-identity. It can be a big blow.
However they react to the news is not personal to you. They may say things that you don’t deserve to have said to you. But you are not the one being cut loose. You’re not in the vulnerable position in that moment. Your feelings are valid and can be addressed on your own or with someone you trust later on. But for the moment, it isn’t about you. Respect that. Do the work in advance to protect your energy so that you aren’t triggered into a personal response to something that isn’t personal.

Be brief and get to the point

It does no one any favors to beat around the bush. Clarity is kindness. Deliver the key message within the first 30 seconds. “I’m sorry to say that we are letting you go.” (Do run this by HR or Legal as you may not be able to use the word “sorry”.) “I’m here with bad news today. We are terminating your employment.” “Unfortunately, your position here has been terminated.” Be brief and direct.

Brevity is key for legal reasons (it keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t say) and it’s respectful toward the other person.

Once you deliver the message, give a clear and concise explanation. Don’t over explain, but also don’t omit or gloss over the truth. Be honest, clear and respectful, and keep your own emotions out of the conversation.
In many situations, you may be turning the conversation over to someone from HR at this point. Some managers may choose to leave the room, but I strongly encourage you to stay for the full meeting. Good leaders stay for the hard stuff.

Move onto next steps swiftly, but compassionately

I don’t mean for you to rush people or yourself. As humans, we have a tendency to want to soften the blow when giving bad news and we think we’re being kind when we draw things out and pepper the discussion with apologies and platitudes. The truth is, it’s kinder to be quick.
Give them a pause to let things sink in a bit, then gently, but swiftly segue into next steps with something like, “If you need some time, let me know, but if it’s ok with you, I’d like to go over details of your severance package and how we will support you in finding a new role. I have all the information here, and we can take as much time as you need. If you prefer, we can also schedule a meeting in the next day or so to go over details.”
It should go without saying that you need to be fully informed of all details regarding severance, continuation of benefits, unused vacation, and so on before going into the meeting. You need to be fully prepared to say what needs to be said, and to answer any questions. Even if HR will be handling this part, you should be able to act as a resource as well.
At the end of the conversation, offer to walk them to their desk to gather up their things, and to walk out with them. If they prefer not to go back to their desk, still walk them out as a show of continued support. You may say something like, “I know this is a difficult situation. I’ll walk with you like it’s a normal day and we can keep up a conversation if that feels comfortable for you.” Tell them when you will check in with them and how they can contact you or HR between now and any scheduled follow up meeting.
Give as much support as you can

In terms of severance, insurance details, information about unused vacation or sick days, and so on, there are probably standards the organization has in place, but if you can advocate for any additional benefits, do so.
If it’s the case, let them know that you or the organization will be happy to act as a reference in their job search, and provide the contact information they should use. If you feel you can honestly write a letter of recommendation, have a default one ready and offer to personalize it to specific roles or organizations when they start sending applications.
If there are any other ways that you or the organization can provide support, push for as much of it as you can. Are there recruiters you work with that you can refer them to? Do you have resources to help them update their CV and/or LinkedIn profile? Can you – or others in the organization – reach out to your network about employment opportunities? Can you offer them any career development resources? Whatever you can provide, do it.

FAQs About Letting Employees Go

Q: How can managers effectively prepare for the termination conversation?

A: Role playing with someone you trust (who you are legally allowed to discuss the situation with) is one of the best ways to prepare, and I cannot recommend it enough. Not only does it ensure you’re saying what needs to be said, in the best way possible, but it also gives you the opportunity to work through your personal feelings before meeting with the employee. When you’ve dealt with your feelings beforehand, it empowers you to fully show up for the other person.

As you practice, consider the different roles in the Triangle of Disempowerment: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Ask yourself what role you might have a tendency to slide into and what steps you can take to stay in Hero-mode (if you haven’t, be sure to read the linked article because Hero does not mean saving anybody else). Then imagine scenarios where the other person might assume one of the three roles and determine how you can respond in a way that keeps you in Hero-mode and shines a light on more empowering choices for the other person.

Shining a light means offering guidance as well as attempting to divert their attention away from disempowering choices, but does not mean taking responsibility for what the other person ultimately chooses to do or say. It could sound like:

“I hear that you’re angry and you have every right to that reaction. Let’s discuss the details of your severance package and see what questions or concerns may come up for you.”
“I see the feelings coming up for you and I get that. The decision has been made. I cannot reverse it, and here are the ways myself and the organization can commit to supporting your next steps.”

Essentially, establish tactics to continually bring the conversation back to next steps. The termination is happening and guiding the person toward how they can genuinely take control of the situation is not only compassionate, but respectful as well.

Q: What role does active listening play during the termination process?

A: Everyone deserves to be heard, especially in times of crisis, which a termination will probably feel like (or actually be) for the other person. Active listening is allowing them to be both heard and understood.

Active listening is a technique that goes beyond simply hearing what’s said. It’s about being fully in the moment and tuned into the other person so that you notice non-verbal cues like body language and eye contact. It means listening to understand, and mirroring back what you’re hearing without judgment. Just as it’s so important to speak with dignity and compassion, active listening is how you listen with dignity and compassion.

Keep in mind that this may also be the one time this person feels able to speak freely to you, and things may be said that truly need to be said and heard. Don’t let that opportunity pass you by. Really listen and strive to understand. You may learn something that will make you a better leader for your remaining employees. If some hard truths do surface, you may also want to look at ways to cultivate a culture of openness so that truth becomes the new norm for your team or organization.

Q: How can managers communicate the decision with empathy and compassion?

Accept that this will be hard news to hear. No amount of sugar coating will change that and there really is no way to say it that will make it feel like good news. Accept that. Fully.

Once you fully accept that, you’ll recognize that the most compassionate, empathetic way to communicate the decision is to be quick and clear.

Do not start off with small talk, make jokes, try to put everyone at ease, or beat around the bush in any way. Your body language and facial expression should convey that this is a serious conversation, but also an open one. You can do that by leaning forward and keeping your arms open, rather than crossed, and making eye contact.

Once everyone is seated, dive right in. That could sound like: “I’m sure you’re wondering why we’re here, so I’ll get right to it. We’ve had to make some hard decisions due to market shifts, and I’m sorry to say that your employment here has been terminated.” OR “… We’ve taken multiple steps to work with you on improving performance, but the data shows that no improvement has been made. We’ve made the decision and your employment has been terminated.”

Q: What can be done to support the employee during the transition period?

A: This really depends on the reasons for termination. If this is a situation where you feel you can give a glowing recommendation and possibly even refer them to people in your professional circle, do that. Sit down with someone from HR and go through the full process of job hunting, from updating a CV, to searching for open roles, to reaching out for interviews. Identify any steps that the organization can potentially help with. You could even research coaches that specialize in supporting people through career transitions and consider offering that service as part of their severance package.

If the employee is not someone you can confidently recommend at this time, still consider offering coaching services, professional development options, or recruitment services as part of their severance package. You may be asking why you should bother in the case of a really problematic employee. Maybe their behavior was truly toxic. Why bother supporting them? As I mentioned before, you may find yourself having to work with them in some capacity down the road, but the most important and potentially influential side of the argument is the effect on your remaining employees. It matters for them to see that you handle even the most difficult situations with dignity and respect.

Q: Are there any specific techniques for delivering the termination news respectfully?

A: While there is no one specific technique, I would highly recommend following a formula of:

Say it fast
Keep it brief
Put your heart in it
Keep YOU out of it

What I mean is much of what is outlined above. Deliver the news within the first 30 seconds of the meeting and keep the delivery brief. Absolutely speak from your heart in terms of your body language, tone and so on, but don’t pepper the conversation with your own feelings or perspective. If anyone is going to be openly emotional about the situation, it’s the other person. Respect that.

Q: How can managers address the emotions and reactions of the employee being terminated?

A: For starters, if you feel that you may be in physical danger, by all means shut down the conversation and get help. If violence or aggression is something you fear prior to meeting with the person, speak with someone above you about options, make sure you are not alone in the room, and have security standing by in the event they are needed.

That’s an extreme situation and one not to be taken lightly. However, most situations will not be like that and the emotions and reactions that come up – even the angry ones – should be addressed with humanity, compassion and respect.

As mentioned above, active listening is a powerful technique. When someone sees that they are truly heard and understood, that really can help calm difficult emotions.

Avoid telling them to “calm down.” That phrase has never helped anyone calm down, and can often have the opposite effect. Instead, opt for something like, “I hear you and I really do understand.”

Connect with your inner leader – your intuition – to help you dance in the moment and respond to what comes up. Does it feel helpful to redirect them towards next steps, or is your gut telling you they need time? Does it feel right to offer a follow up meeting once they’ve had time to digest? Do they seem ready to hear about severance details? Connecting with your intuition and striving to respond rather than react is another way you can bring humanity into the situation.

Q: What steps can be taken to preserve the dignity of the employee throughout the process?

A: If this is a situation where the employee is being fired for cause, be forthright about the cause, but keep it brief. If the employee has made a genuine contribution to the organization or has displayed valuable skills/knowledge, bring that forward as well. “These are the areas where I see real potential and strength for you. Unfortunately, your employment here has come to an end, but in the future, these are some areas that I believe you can grow from.”

If the termination is about a financial or market shift, give an honest rundown of their contribution to the organization and how it has benefited the company. This makes it clear that the termination is in response to other circumstances, and is in no way a reflection of the employee. A termination can be a real blow to someone’s confidence, so do address strengths, just be sure it’s genuine and not flowered up. People can tell the difference.

As mentioned above, strive to continually steer the conversation toward next steps. What the person does next is where they truly have control and continually guiding them back to that can truly help preserve their dignity. It’s up to them to recognize and seize that control, but in a time of high stress, it can be helpful to have someone act as a beacon, guiding them in that direction.

On a more practical note, have a conversation with them about how they’d actually like to leave, and let them lead that. Would they like to pack up their own things, or would they prefer to have someone else handle that? Would they like the opportunity to say goodbye to colleagues or to send a leaving email? Are they ready to take those steps or would they prefer to return the following day? Obviously there may be company guidelines to follow, but strive to allow as much flexibility as possible.

Q: How can managers provide closure and help the employee move forward after termination?

A: A really important factor is to have all documentation printed, packaged and ready to hand to them, as well as digital copies emailed to their personal email address. This is so important in empowering people to move forward with dignity and respect. No one should be having to chase down paperwork in the days following a termination. It’s disrespectful to their situation and it keeps them tied to the company after they’ve left, which can hold them back from fully moving forward.

Q: Are there any post-termination actions that managers should consider to support the remaining team?

Above all, be honest and human.

Remember that how you handle issues with this employee will impact your other employees. They will be taking note of everything you say and do, and it will influence their trust in you and the organization, how safe they feel with you and the organization, and all of that will impact their engagement, which impacts their productivity, creativity, sense of loyalty, willingness to collaborate, and so on.

Be sure to also have a plan for handling the workload. Please ensure it’s a genuine plan and not just, “we’re all going to have to pick up the slack for now.” If people will need to take on extra work during the transition, be open about that, provide an anticipated timeline, and be prepared to provide compensation for additional work in the form of pay or paid time off.

If this is a situation where layoffs were due to financial strain and you cannot compensate employees for added workloads, be honest about that too. People will figure it out regardless of how you approach the situation. If you show up with honesty and transparency, they are far more likely to react positively and to be on your side.

Finally, if this is a situation where the person was fired for cause, recognize how your remaining employees are a good fit for the organization and its goals. Whenever someone is let go, it’s natural for others to start worrying that they will be next. While you can’t give confidential information about the terminated employee, you can calm fears and rumors by being open about your employees’ value. In fact, you should be doing this anyway ;)

What NOT To Do

Don’t post about it on social media. Remember the “crying CEO”? Don’t be that guy.
Don’t fake emotions you don’t have.
Don’t make it about you.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Don’t dwell on past issues in the case of termination with cause. Give the reason and move on.
Don’t try to act like everything’s fine with your remaining employees.

Remember that people are deeply intuitive and will sense when something is “off” or inauthentic, even if they can’t quite put it into words. Be human. Be real. Be kind.

If you would like guidance on building strong teams, developing compassionate leadership, or empowering your organization to thrive through even the most challenging situations, I invite you to connect with me.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I terminate an employee with dignity?

Be direct and clear, deliver the news in person and in private, let the employee speak, allow for a graceful exit, and offer practical support around references, benefits, and transition.

What is the most empathetic way to fire someone?

Lead with respect and brevity. Avoid surprises by ensuring there have been honest performance conversations beforehand. Focus on the path forward rather than re-litigating the past.

What should I never say when firing an employee?

Don’t blame, don’t lecture, don’t soften with vague language that creates confusion, and don’t compare the employee to others. Keep the message clear and respectful.

How Does Servant Leadership Build Strong Organizations (and strong people)?

March 23, 2022/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Career, Heart Based Business Coaching, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Servant leadership empowers the brilliance of others. It’s being a champion for your people, uncovering their unique strengths and talents, seeking out opportunities for them to grow and shining a spotlight on their value, contribution and potential. It’s a commitment to being aware of your own impact and making it your mission to harness your influence for the benefit of those you lead.

This article will explore:

What is servant leadership?
Is servant leadership effective leadership?
When should you choose (or not choose) servant leadership?
What are the principles of servant leadership?
Servant leadership vs. traditional leadership
How can serving others help you succeed?

What is Servant Leadership?

Like conscious leadership, servant leadership isn’t so much a technique as it is an approach. It also isn’t something you have to choose as your one-and-only style of leadership. Rather, it’s an approach to weave into your overall way of being as a leader, and as a person.

If you look at the co-active leadership model below, for example, you’ll see it includes 5 dimensions: in front, beside, in the field, behind and within. Each of the dimensions is equally important, and are meant to be leaned into as the situation demands. This requires practicing conscious, intuitive response-ability to assess what’s needed and when, and being open to exploring missteps and learning from them.

In terms of co-active leadership, servant leadership is a form of leading from behind. In servant leadership, leaders put others first, especially when it comes to celebrating success, sharing opportunities, seeking out ideas and so on. A servant leader assumes that everyone around them is naturally creative, resourceful and whole, and makes it their mission to ensure everyone has what they need to grow, succeed and care for themselves – to bring their natural brilliance forward, for the good of themselves, the team and the organization.

What is an example of servant leadership? Let’s say that a report needs to be presented to a major client every week. A servant leader would see this as an opportunity for a team member to grow their skills and experience, as well as build their personal network and gain esteem within the organization. They would also recognize that it serves the organization for more people to be skilled at dealing with high profile clients. The servant leader would coach their team member, ensure they have the necessary tools and information, introduce them to the client if necessary, and express their enduring trust in the person – not that they will be perfect, but that they will do their best, learn from mishaps, and continue to do better and better.

Is Servant Leadership Effective Leadership?

In my many years of coaching, I have worked with a diverse mix of professionals – from entrepreneurs and small business owners, all the way up to Fortune 100 leaders, and across a variety of industries. What I’ve learned is that so many people are ready for change, BUT so many people are also caught up in the idea that concepts like servant leadership just can’t be effective.

I get it. That old, carrot and stick style of leadership can sound so simple and effective. You do well, you get rewarded. You don’t, you deal with consequences. Simple, right?

And… ineffective. What’s missing from that style is an understanding of why people do well. What really motivates them? What sparks creativity? What encourages collaboration?

Guess what? It isn’t fear, and it isn’t money. At least not for tasks that require even an ounce of creativity. And there’s science behind that. I won’t go into the research and evidence here because Dan Pink did an amazing job of covering that in his renowned 2009 TED Talk. I highly recommend watching it because, as he says, “This is one of the most robust findings of social science, and also one of the most ignored.

Servant leadership is effective, and we need to stop ignoring the science that proves it. But how? In his book, “Leaders Eat Last”, Simon Sinek takes a deep dive into what it means to lead from behind. In his view, it’s about seeing leadership as a responsibility, not a rank.

“Leaders Eat Last” is a favorite of mine, as it takes a truly holistic approach, even exploring the impact of brain chemistry on workplace engagement. Specifically, the roles of endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, what triggers their production, and their critical role in cultivating trust, cooperation, motivation, goal achievement, altruism and much more. Sinek explores these within the context of creating cultures of safety that actively do away with cliques, office gossip, toxic forms of competition and other issues that are often the byproduct of carrot and stick leadership.

Sinek uses the example of Jack Welch, former GE CEO, in comparison with former Costco CEO, Jeff Sinegal. Whereas Welch opted for a leadership approach of profit before people, Sinegal put people first and focused heavily on the well being of employees. Both companies came out profitable, so which approach was better? The answer is in the rise and fall of stock prices. GE’s stock was unstable, rising and falling again and again. Costco’s, on the other hand, experienced steady, stable growth. Which company would you bet on long term?

“Leaders Eat Last” is another great resource if you’re interested in the science behind why this style of leadership is effective, and I can’t recommend it enough for further reading.

When Should You Choose (or not choose) Servant Leadership?

So, if servant leadership is one dimension of an overall approach, and if it’s an effective dimension that fosters the growth and development of others… When is it not the appropriate approach?

Let’s look at our example of presenting a weekly report to a major client, and imagine the client is known to be toxic. They are overly demanding, critical and even rude, bordering on aggressive. Ideally, the client would be dropped. Their toxicity is terrible for the well-being of your people and your organization. But, let’s assume that for some reason, you need to keep this client. Servant leadership would not be the right choice here. Instead, you would probably want to lead from the front in order to shield your people from the toxic client.

As Nelson Mandela wrote, “It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger.”

We could also imagine the major client scenario another way. You’re mentoring a team member. You know they don’t yet have the experience to handle the weekly report solo, but you recognize that they could benefit from being involved. In that scenario, you might choose to lead from beside by partnering with your mentee, working on the report together, and having them accompany you to the weekly meeting as a partner.

Servant leadership – or leadership from behind – is for when it truly serves your team, allowing them to shine their unique strengths and grow their expertise. If servant leadership would leave people floundering or caught in the line of fire, you need to reach for a different approach.

What Are the Principles of Servant Leadership?

The concept of servant leadership was first described in 1970 by business leader Robert Greenleaf, who went on to found the Greenleaf Center for Servant Leadership. From Greenleaf’s original essay and teachings, current Greenleaf Center CEO, Larry C. Spears, went on to clarify the 10 principles of servant leadership:

Listening
Empathy
Healing
Self-awareness
Influence
Conceptualization
Foresight
Stewardship
Commitment to the growth of others
Community building

Let’s explore each of these:

Listening – When someone is speaking, you give them your full, undivided attention, and expect your team members to give each other the same courtesy. But listening is so much more than hearing what people say. It’s also validating their perspective and building your question-asking skills to encourage people to talk openly.

Empathy – Empathy goes hand-in-hand with listening, and with noticing what’s going on with your team members. Practice tapping into your intuition and bringing things out into the open. That could sound like, “I notice you’ve been on edge lately. What’s up?” The servant leader’s focus is on ensuring people have what they need to succeed. Ask with curiosity and a desire to help; never with judgment. Respond with compassion. People are human beings with human experiences. There is always space for what’s human.

Healing – The servant leader recognizes that everyone has emotional wounds to heal, and physical bodies to care for. They understand that someone who doesn’t speak up, for example, may be struggling with fears rooted in past workplace or personal experiences. Someone who is consistently late may be struggling with health issues, and so on. The servant leader focuses on creating a work environment that is safe and conducive to healing, be that through inclusiveness, energy work, coaching, flex-time, health and wellness benefits, etc.

Self-awareness – Yes, the focus is on others, but the servant leader recognizes that serving others demands self-knowledge, radical self-acceptance, and personal development. They do the work to develop their inner leader and uncover the values that drive them. They get up close and personal with their triggers and inner Saboteurs so that they can overcome them and practice leading from their heart, not their hurt.

Influence – Spears actually called this principle “persuasion”, but I prefer the term “influence”, as it’s more about leading by example than persuading people to your side. Servant leadership is still very much active leadership. However, in leading from behind, it’s more about guidance through influence. It’s about inspiring others and taking full responsibility for your impact. You can take a deep dive into increasing your influence in this post.

Conceptualization – This is all about big picture vision. As a leader, you have to work towards the good of the organization. As you work to serve your team, keep your eye on the big picture – the goals, values and objectives of the organization. For example, the health of employees is absolutely in the organization’s best interests, and that needs to be pursued in a way that works for the organization. Likewise, development of skills, knowledge and experience serve both your people and the organization, if it’s done in alignment with organizational values and objectives.

Foresight – No, you don’t need a crystal ball. You do need a commitment to learning from the past and applying that to present decision making. This goes hand-in-hand with healing because to learn from the past, you need to create safe spaces for people to be open about mistakes and missteps. People need to know that it’s ok to talk about what went wrong, what could be done better, and how things can be done differently moving forward. That’s how you develop foresight – in yourself and others – by owning the past, so you can create a better future. And it starts with you. As a servant leader, you have to lead the charge of owning your own mistakes, blindspots and areas for improvement. Make it safe by how you choose to show up. For example, if you regularly hold post-mortem sessions after a project, commit to being the first to share what you feel you could have done better. Be the trailblazer.

Stewardship – Stewardship is the responsible management of resources. You really want everyone in an organization to be stewards – to be aware of how resources can be used with care and respect. To instill this in others, you have to lead by example. This could mean awareness of how your team’s activities impact other teams within the organization. It could mean volunteering for tasks outside your role because you know it will benefit others. It could mean consulting with your team before agreeing to additional work or objectives. It means always being conscious of your impact and taking full responsibility for it.

Commitment to the growth of others – Growth can be investing in education, workshops, conferences, etc. It can mean establishing a mentoring or internal coaching program. It can mean actively seeking out opportunities for people to grow their experience. It absolutely means openly acknowledging achievements and, most importantly, openly acknowledging and celebrating when people try something new, regardless of the outcome. Remember, people only really grow when it’s safe to take risks and even safe to fail because failure is always recognized as merely a stepping stone, never an end, and certainly nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. Missteps mean someone was brave enough to try, and that’s worth celebrating.
Community building – The servant leader recognizes that everyone does better, in all areas of life, when they feel like they have a sense of belonging. Your team is a community and that has to be cultivated. This can be especially challenging with remote teams, but also especially critical. Team building activities, retreats, social events, and so on are all great opportunities to build a sense of community, but even more impactful can be the day-to-day workings of the team. Look for opportunities to pair people up on tasks or projects. When issues come up in meetings that impact only a few team members, encourage smaller side meetings. Start a “lunch’n’learn” practice where team members can share their expertise on anything – work related or not. Get a walking group together for daily afternoon walks, right around that time when energy drops and we all tend to get ‘snacky’. Community grows out of these moments of connection. Work to cultivate them.

Servant Leadership vs. Traditional Leadership

Traditional leadership also isn’t a specific technique with exact steps to follow. It, too, is an overall way of being, and one that has evolved over generations. It tends to follow traditional hierarchical models, and to almost exclusively follow the leader in front approach from the co-active leadership model above.

Any time we consider shifting a way of being – our own, our team’s, our organization’s – it matters to consider why and how our current ways came to be. Ways of being tend to evolve in response to circumstances; usually to solve problems. They also evolve in alignment with the beliefs, values and understanding of the time.

Why does it matter to acknowledge this? Because when we look at the world today – circumstances, beliefs, values and understanding – our world is so different from the one people were working in just a few generations ago. Even just one generation ago!

That means, we’re using methods designed for a world that no longer exists.

In the same way that, as individuals, we need to consider how we’re different from our parents, the values we want to carry into adulthood, the beliefs that no longer serve us, and so on… we have to do this same assessment in our professional lives.

Let’s consider some comparisons of servant leadership vs. traditional leadership to better understand how a servant approach can work for our current world:

Traditional Leadership (TL)	Servant Leadership (SL)	Why SL Works Today
Leaders make decisions informed by their individual knowledge and experience.	Leaders tap into the knowledge and experience of the group to make informed decisions.	With the rise of the knowledge economy, workers today tend to possess a wealth of knowledge, expertise and experience that contributes to the overall cognitive diversity of the organization, and can contribute to better, more innovative problem solving.
The appearance of success is vital. Any appearance of failure or acknowledgement of mistakes – especially on the part of the leader – is a sign of weakness.	Failures and mistakes are viewed as stepping stones of progress. The servant leader owns their mistakes, accepts full accountability and openly works to learn and grow. They also embrace the missteps of those they lead, celebrate efforts, and prioritize honesty. In servant leadership, accountability and ownership of mistakes is seen as a strength.	We need new solutions to solve today’s problems and that will inevitably mean mistakes and failures as we learn what works, what doesn’t and why. We cannot expect people to truly innovate unless we make it safe to fail, learn and try again.
Work and home are separate spheres and must be kept that way.	It’s understood that employees are human beings with rich and dynamic lives beyond the workplace that impact well-being.	As remote work and flexible schedules become the norm, the line between work and home is becoming blurred beyond recognition. Additionally, today we have a better understanding of the burnout experience, its causes, and its impact on work. We miss a huge opportunity for cultivating a more engaged workforce if we don’t take advantage of that knowledge.

As I said before, servant leadership is just one approach of an overall way of being as both a leader and a human being. The conscious leader practices dancing in the moment, embracing what comes up, and owning their response. There are absolutely times when a leader in front approach is what’s called for, but it cannot be the only tool in our leadership toolboxes.

How Can Serving Others Help You Succeed?

As Gandhi said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

All relationships are mirrors. They show us – if we’re willing to see – what we value in ourselves, what we’re proud of, and what we want to improve. And that isn’t just about addressing your own imperfections, but about celebrating what’s wonderful about you; recognizing it so that you can bring more of it forward

We often talk about growth in terms of healing wounds, strengthening weaknesses, developing our understanding, etc., but a significant part of personal growth is also learning that it’s ok – healthy even – to shine your own brilliance. When you practice serving and supporting others, a whole new perspective begins to grow within you that will help you understand yourself and those around you in a way you never could have imagined.

Servant leadership is an expansive experience. It expands your field of vision, making you a better leader and contributing to an overall richer experience of life for you.

If you are ready to develop your servant leadership skills, or to bring this approach to your team or organization, I invite you to connect with me.

Why Asking Good Questions Can Help You Be a Better Leader

September 1, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

At the end of a long workday, many of us feel drained and unfulfilled. This is because we spend our days sliding into problem-solving or Rescuer mode. That might sound… like a good thing? Like that’s what we’re supposed to do at work? Especially as leaders?

Sure, problem-solving is great, but there are two big problems with the Rescuer mindset:

Constantly sliding into the role of Rescuer is exhausting and a path to burnout.
As leaders, we may get things done in the short term this way, but we sacrifice the long term by missing countless opportunities to coach the people we lead to develop their own problem-solving muscles.

Instead of problem-solving mode, try question asking mode.

Why is Asking Questions Important for Leaders?

The benefits of leaders asking powerful questions are far-reaching. Essentially, questions empower people.

When your default is Rescuer mode, you sap your own energy, disempower yourself, and impede the empowerment of others. The growth of yourself and those you lead gets stalled. Everyone becomes disengaged from the bigger picture, and ends up feeling like they’re stuck in a hamster wheel, constantly running, but never getting anywhere. Burnout city.

In my post on the Triangle of Disempowerment, I talked about empowering yourself by shifting your narrative into a story of you as the Hero. Not a hero who saves everyone else, but the Hero who accepts circumstances for what they are in the moment, in order to create real, sustainable change moving forward.

A true Hero also believes in the capabilities of those around them, drawing out the brilliance, strength and courage of others by trusting that those qualities already exist and are just waiting for the opportunity to spring into action.

Asking questions is a huge part of this. The Hero is always curious. He or she always wonders, what else is possible? What can I create from this? How can this get even better? The Hero approaches every interaction from a heart of peace – a heart that is open and accepting, leaving judgement behind. The Hero sees a problem and confidently turns to the people around them to ask, “What do you think?” Because even when the Hero can see a solution, they know they gain more by hearing different perspectives, and that the growth of the people they lead is the higher priority with the bigger long-term payoff.

Questions From a Heart of Peace

As leaders, our role is to create a safe space for people to come and talk to us. They have to have trust that they will be heard and validated; that what they have to say will be met with openness, not judgement.

Of course, we can’t control how others feel or behave. What we can control is how we show up and the intention we bring to our roles. We have to trust that the people around us are naturally creative, resourceful and whole, and believe that their insight is both valid and valuable.

I’m often asked, “Why is questioning a good leadership skill?” The biggest part of my answer is that by asking questions, most of the time, people come up with the answers themselves and feel both empowered and that their contribution has value. And isn’t that our main goal as leaders? To empower others?

When our default communication approach is one of curiosity, the people we lead practice – on a daily basis – how to think and how to bring their truth forward with confidence, so that when you are not there, they will ask themselves the questions that bring out the answers and solutions for themselves.

In this way, you aren’t constantly rescuing people and situations. Instead, you are “teaching them to fish”; you are facilitating their shift into the Hero of their own story, driving their empowerment, which drives creativity, ingenuity, confidence, collaboration, engagement and so much more.

What is a Powerful Question?

A client recently taught me about rubber duck theory in software programming, and it’s a great example of both the power of asking questions, and how the simplest questions can be the most powerful.

Rubber duck “debugging” (solving problems in software code) refers to a story of a programmer who would keep a rubber duck nearby and explain each scenario to the duck, bit by bit, as they were going through the code. You see, the solution was usually found within the problem itself, and simply by talking it through, the programmer was able to get the clarity needed to move forward.

By asking even the most basic questions – “What are you experiencing? Describe it to me, step by step.” – with genuine curiosity and not a hint of judgement, people not only get the opportunity to talk through problems, they also develop their own inner dialogue to begin asking themselves questions and creating solutions independently.

As a leader, you are the rubber duck. You are safe, curious, open, non-judgmental, and eager to listen. You are the most impactful type of Hero, guiding others to step into their own heroism.

What Are Some Good Leadership Questions to Ask?

As a general model, aim to keep your questions specific and open-ended.

Why specific? It comes down to fear and habits. If you ask a question such as, “How is that project going?” most people will reply “Fine” out of habit. They may also feel intimidated giving their overall impression of something. It’s a lot easier to give an honest impression of a specific part of something. That may sound like, “There’s something interesting in the second phase of this project, right here. What are your thoughts on it?” From that more specific question, the conversation is far more likely to flow into more openness and honesty.

Why open-ended? You want to get people talking. That’s when creativity and problem solving really happen. A close-ended question is something like, “Are you happy with this outcome?” It’s closed because the answer can easily be yes or no, and that’s the end of the conversation. With open-ended questions like, “What are your thoughts on this outcome?” or “What opportunities do you see from this?” or “Where do you see us going from here?” you have a better chance of getting people talking.

Here are some examples of powerful questions to ask someone, that you can modify per your needs:

What do you really want?
What about this is important to you?
What does that look like?
How do you feel about this?
What’s next?
What else is possible?
What’s right about this?
What are your concerns?
What is standing in your way?
Tell me more?
What do you need most right now?
What is the worst-case scenario? And what if that happens?
If I knew nothing about this, how would you explain it to me?
What opportunities do you see?
What is the vision you want to create?
What are you choosing?
How are you experiencing this?
What are you aware of right now?
Imagine you say yes/no, what comes up?

How to Hold Safe Space for Great Questions (and Answers)

People need a safe space to unload and to explore. They don’t need, or really even want, someone to swoop in and save them. They simply need to be heard and to have a safe sounding board.

Here’s an example of what holding safe space could look like:

“You seem to be struggling. What’s up?”
“This client is asking for the impossible. I just can’t see how we can make this work!”
“Hmmm. That does sound challenging. What do you feel is most important here?”
“I suppose that would be…”

This scenario has three key elements of impactful communication: curiosity, validation, and an “us together” mindset.

At no point are we offering solutions or downplaying the struggle. In this scenario, we are fully open, ready and willing to listen, reflect back and hold safe space.

Giving people advice from your perspective may not be the right path for them. Maybe, in certain situations with certain standards, you might have more experience. However, as a leader, your role is to guide people in coming up with the answers for themselves so that they can develop their level of experience.

If you have the answer, that’s great. Hold it in. It’s not going anywhere. Even if you open yourself up fully to other possibilities, that solution in your mind still exists. To truly hold safe space, hold yourself in the knowledge that you risk nothing by hearing someone else first. Your ideas are valid AND your priority is to create space for others to grow and explore their ideas.

Holding Safe Space Means Being a Safe Space

The real magic happens when we, as leaders, embrace the opportunities for our own growth alongside the growth of those we lead. This is part of why questions are a powerful tool for leaders. Being a safe space for others is no easy feat. It demands kindness towards yourself first and foremost. It demands caring for your whole self and establishing healthy habits that keep you grounded and connected.

I am a big believer in an intentional morning routine, as well as a strong connection with nature. Here’s why:

An intentional morning routine that’s focused on tuning into your leader within empowers you to decide how you will show up each day before anyone or anything else can influence you.
Regular contact with nature keeps you connected to your larger role in the Universe as well as the bigger picture in your life. It empowers you to practice certainty in even the most uncertain situations.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and filling your cup isn’t just so you can serve others. Be intentional, purposeful and habitual in filling your own cup and in serving yourself first – i.e. treating yourself with kindness and curiosity – and you will be in a far stronger position to be of service to others. You will be empowered to lead from your best self, which will have a domino effect on those around you, influencing them towards greater self-leadership as well.

When You Feel Like Giving Advice…

The focus of asking questions is about getting people involved in decision-making and problem-solving. This gets people exercising their critical thinking muscles so that they are better equipped to self-lead. It makes people feel valued, heard and recognized when they are proactively brought into the fold. They feel that their contribution is meaningful, which makes them more engaged, creative and at ease in their role.

Essentially, questions are about the other person. It’s your opportunity to exercise your listening muscles.

When I was going through my coach training, one of my teachers told me, very firmly, “When you feel like giving advice, take a deep breath… shut the f*ck up and ask a question instead.”

Putting this into practice was hard. It was almost like learning a new language! When someone would open up to me or bring up a problem, it was an almost unconscious reflex to offer advice. I wanted to help! But advice, unless it is explicitly asked for, doesn’t help anyone. In fact, even when it’s explicitly asked for, I now start with a question first and see where that leads us.

What I’ve had to learn is that people don’t need solutions. They need safe space and they need to be heard. Even when the solution seems so simple to you, take a deep breath… well, you know the rest ;)

When you really want to give advice and truly feel it would help move things forward, ask first. Try, “I can give you some advice around this, would you like to hear it?” By you asking and them saying yes, they’ll be more open to hearing you. If they say no, listen.

Questions Create Better Conversations

Time and again, clients tell me they keep leaving business conversations without saying what really needed to be said, or without getting what they needed from the other person. As I’ve written about before, a lot of that comes down to fear. However, another big part of it is that too many of us listen to respond instead of listening to really hear.

You don’t need to be a coach to be a great listener. You just need to commit to asking better questions. Especially in leadership or mentorship roles, asking powerful questions is an invaluable tool for bringing out what needs to come to the surface. It opens up possibilities, strengthens relationships, and really gets people engaged with their full contribution within the organization.

Taking it Further

Asking questions is a communication tool, which really makes it a relationship tool. After practicing it as a coaching and leadership technique, I began bringing it into my personal life as well and I’ve experienced some wonderful shifts in the relationships that matter most to me, and in how I interact with people on an everyday basis.

I also use powerful questions with myself. Good leadership is about asking good questions, and that extends to self-leadership. Whenever I feel stuck, I ask myself, “What else is possible?”

If you would like guidance in developing your leadership skills – including asking great questions – I invite you to connect with me. If you are open to a bit of advice from me… I highly recommend this workshop from the Co-Active Training Institute.

And now I have to ask you… What’s next?

Who’s running the show? You or your Gremlins?

July 3, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Tell me… what do you call that part of yourself that holds you in status quo? Gremlin, Saboteur, Inner Critic, Personal Demon…

Whatever you call it, we all have those inner voices, impulses, or reactions that hold us back. I usually call mine Gremlins or Saboteurs. Through my journey, and through coaching others, I know that many of us struggle to even identify what we truly want because our inner Gremlin is so strong that it stops us from even exploring the possibility of something different!

For this reason, I approach Gremlins in coaching new clients very early on. When it comes to discovering what you want, what matters to you, what fuels you, what you truly value… The Saboteurs are always there, scrambling to put up defenses. Like trolls guarding a bridge, we need to confront them first before we can progress forward.

What are Saboteurs or Gremlins?

Gremlins aren’t evil. They’re protective. They originate in childhood, often to keep us safe from things we don’t yet understand. When something feels scary, confusing, uncertain, uncomfortable or embarrassing, our Gremlin springs into action to protect us. Some people even think of their Gremlin as their inner Warrior because of this role.

Your Gremlin is usually activated by your fight or flight response. But, did you know there’s more than fight and flight? It’s actually fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Here’s what they can look like:

Fight: Fight feels like you have to actively protect yourself or your perspective from others. Like the Persecutor in the triangle of disempowerment, you become inflexible, may raise your voice, or take a “my way or the highway” approach. Other ideas or points of view feel like an attack and you need to be ready.

Flight: Flight isn’t always literally running away. Instead, you may try to change the subject instead of voicing your opinion. You may avoid certain topics or people. You may shut down when you feel uncomfortable, get overly anxious, or lean into perfectionism in an attempt to avoid mistakes.

Freeze: Freeze is feeling stuck. Every route looks scary, impossible or not open to you because of XYZ or ABC. You are frozen. You can’t take a single step in any direction.
Fawn: Fawn is the people pleaser. You will stay safe by keeping everyone else happy and calm. You give into demands even when you’re overstretched or those demands are against your values. You minimize your own experience to tend to the experiences of others. You feel responsible for keeping the peace.

All of these are our Saboteurs working to protect us. It’s very common for them to be “on guard” even when there is no real threat, which can be confusing and even more limiting. When experiencing these responses, we may ask ourselves:

“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just do what I know I need to do?”
“Why does everyone else seem to have it together?”
“Why do I keep doing the same things over and over again?”
“Why am I such a pushover?”
“Why do I get so angry?”
“Why am I so afraid?”
“Why didn’t I speak up?”
“Why am I putting other people’s happiness before my own?”
“Why do I fear other people’s reactions?”
“Why, why, why???”

The answer is that your Gremlin has been occupying your CEO seat. It is constantly on the lookout for possible threats and, if something inside you is tuned into threats at all times, guess what it’ll find? Further, if that part of you has been your dominant inner voice for most of your life, guess what you’ll believe reality to be?

Why Do We Still Have Gremlins as Adults?

If you were lucky enough in childhood and/or early adulthood to learn to tame your Gremlins, you would likely grow into the world able to view the circumstances around you from a place of curiosity and possibility.

However, so many of us don’t learn this. Maybe you had a difficult childhood. Or a perfectly happy childhood, but parenting ideas were simply different at the time.

Alternatively, maybe letting your Gremlin lead actually worked for you for a really long time! You may have worked or lived in an environment where you needed your Gremlin to keep you safe, or where a Gremlin-led approach gave the appearance of success.

Most significantly, if you’ve carried a Gremlin-led mindset into adulthood, there’s a good chance you believe that your Gremlin’s perspective is just how the world is. In that case, it’s worth taking some time to explore some of your mental models and how they’ve been leading you.

How to Control Your Inner Gremlins

All of us have Gremlins and it’s important to tame them so that they have less and less power over us. When it comes to managing your Gremlin or Saboteur, it helps to view it as a separate entity with its own personality.

What is a Saboteur personality? We’ve reviewed the four types of trauma responses that can be triggering your Gremlin, but what behaviour is actually being triggered? That behaviour is your Gremlin’s personality. It’s the thoughts, beliefs, habits and patterns that your Saboteur brings up within you.

It’s only when you have a clear picture of who your Saboteur is that you move on to managing your Gremlin, which is much the same way you would manage any other relationship: with compassion and courage.

Here are 8 steps to getting control of your Saboteur:

Step 1: Identify your Saboteur’s personality

There are 10 dominant personality types for Saboteurs and identifying yours is, thankfully, pretty easy. Get yourself into full honesty mode and take this free assessment from Positive Intelligence and you’ll have your answer.

In addition to identifying your Saboteur’s personality type, the assessment will also give you a full description, as well as an assessment of how your Saboteur scores on the other 9 types. Just like us, Saboteurs can have complex personalities and to know your inner Saboteurs is to tame them.

Step 2: Name your Saboteur

Yes, give it a name! It’s a small, but powerful, mental trick that helps you separate your limiting thoughts and beliefs from your true self; to see them as a circumstance, rather than part of your identity. Give it an image as well. What does it look like? Maybe it’s a fictional character, an animal, or something completely imagined. When you can put a face to your Gremlin, it helps you to more easily identify them when they come up.

Gremlins are masters of disguise. For years, your Gremlin has disguised itself as YOU, tricking you into believing that its voice is the real you. When you start visualizing it as something (or someone) else, the disguise falls away. Aim for a name and image that really resonates with you. If it helps, you can use the personality traits from the Positive Intelligence assessment as inspiration.

In this example, let’s name our Saboteur “Jaws”. Like a massive shark terrorizing beach goers, our inner Jaws is holding us back from revelling in the joy that life has to offer!

Step 3: Befriend your Gremlin

Befriending Gremlins is about taking away their power AND about having compassion for that part of yourself that – while it is no longer serving you – is truly just trying to protect you.

By seeing your Gremlin as a friend in need of your compassion, you can stop that “what’s wrong with me” inner criticism that really just makes everything harder to do.

Let’s use our Jaws example and visualize our Saboteur friend’s situation. Maybe Jaws is just an innocent being trying to protect its home from frightening strangers. What might you say to this friend? Maybe you’d say something like, “It’s ok. You’ve done a really good job of keeping dangerous people away, but I’ve got this now. You can rest.”

Your Gremlin has served you in some way up to this point. Thank them for where you are because of them, or for what they’ve done for you in the past. Every level you move up demands a different version of you, and you can only move up once you’ve tamed your Gremlin. Befriending them – recognizing their contribution – is part of taming them.

Who is your Gremlin friend and what is their situation? What can you say to your friend to let them know you love them and appreciate their intention, but you’ve got this now and they can relax? Facing your Gremlin doesn’t have to be confrontational. It can be compassionate.

If you want to dive deeper into this technique, there’s an excellent book by Rick Carson that I highly recommend.

Step 4: Visualize sending them off

When I first started to notice my Gremlins, I was afraid and would visualize sending them into burning lava. I didn’t like how they had been holding me back and I just wanted them gone.

As I began to understand them better, I realized that may have been a bit cruel. They were just trying to protect me, after all. So instead, I started visualizing sending them to Peru with the shamans, and would tell them to go get some enlightenment. Once, when I was going through a particularly rough time, a coaching colleague sent me a drawing of Gremlins on a bus, being driven off to a place far, far north of me.

Start from where you are and visualize sending off your Gremlin (or Gremlins) in whatever way feels right to you, from where you are today.

Step 5: Start tuning into your true voice

Remember how I said your Saboteur has been disguising itself as you? Well, now that you’ve quieted its voice, it’s time to tune into your authentic voice – the real you that’s been drowned out by your Gremlin.

Tune into your highest voice – the CEO part of you – your Captain. Your Captain is the part of you that is fearless and relentless in pursuit of the very best for you. It is the part of you that loves you completely and unconditionally, and no matter what happens, will hold you with gentleness and infinite compassion.

Start by asking yourself some powerful questions, such as:

What do I know to be true?
What does “Jaws” have to say about this?
What is the flip side of that? (When it comes to your Saboteur, what they tell you is usually in response to your true inner voice trying to speak up. When you look behind your Saboteur’s message, you often find… you.)
If I remove “Jaws” from the equation, what becomes possible?
If anything at all were possible, what would my best possible outcome look like?
What step can I take right now that aligns with my best possible outcome?

To know your inner Saboteurs gives you a powerful tool in knowing yourself. In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and the gang only got to the truth once they noticed the curtain. Pull back that curtain – unmask your Saboteur – and you’ll find your truth.

Step 6: Visualize possible outcomes – especially the bad ones

Am I really asking you to visualize bad things? Yes, but not to dwell on them. Just to explore them so that you can take their power away.

I remember being a kid and feeling terrified of a friend’s basement. The problem was, the light switch was AT THE BOTTOM of the stairs!! You had to descend into the creepy darkness before you could turn on the light and see that there was nothing to fear.

Let’s say a part of you really wants to get out of your current job and try something more exciting, but your Saboteur stops you from even considering it. Your Saboteur is afraid of the dark! What can you do? You can shine a light!

Descend into that darkness and flip the switch. Let your mind explore every corner of that basement, imagining possible outcomes, including your “worst case scenario”.

The unknown is scary and fear triggers our Saboteurs. Which means, the antidote is to make things known. Take the power away from fear by visualizing, fully, all of the possible outcomes.

Step 7: Take a step

Of all the ways to tame your Saboteur, taking a real step forward is one of the most transforming. The more you move towards what you truly want, the more your inner Gremlin will naturally calm itself and step back.

Ask yourself, “What step can I take, right now, to start moving in the right direction for me?” You don’t need to know every step that will follow just yet. That’s your Saboteur talking. Just take one step. Then another.

Step 8: Keep it up

Following these steps will shift your relationship with your Gremlin, but our Gremlins never disappear entirely. After all, they do serve a real purpose.

As you move forward, your Gremlin may crop up again from time to time. That’s totally normal. Just be prepared to recognize it for what it is, and remember these steps for getting in control of your path. Gremlins show up when you are stepping out of your comfort zone, so them showing up is a good sign. It means you are intending to take some brave steps towards something meaningful for you.

Ask yourself, “How do I know if I am self sabotaging?” Go back to the description of your Saboteur’s dominant personality and make a list of all the behaviours you identified with. When your Gremlin crops up and you’re wondering if it really is your Gremlin, or if it’s your true self sending you an important message, use that list to get clarity. Ask yourself things like, “What is the fear that’s coming up? Is it rooted in fact or is it an old belief coming up? Is this voice helping me stay on my path, or trying to guide me into old patterns?”

Once you tame a Gremlin, it can get creative and try to come back in different ways or with different disguises. This is why it’s so important to always question self-limiting thoughts when they come up. Where are those thoughts coming from? Who do they belong to?

We all have a Gremlin(s) or Saboteur(s) within us (yes, many of us have more than one). The difference between someone who can move forward with ease, and someone who feels stuck in status quo, is how much awareness and control they have over their Gremlin. The empowering truth is that taming your Gremlin is a learned skill. That means, no matter how loud or strong your Saboteur may seem, you can get yourself back into your CEO seat.

Some of my clients have even tamed their Gremlins as a team exercise. They’ve shared their Gremlins with each other and committed to calling them out (with kindness) when they show up. It’s a really powerful trust building practice that I have been honoured to help facilitate.

If you would like guidance in facing your Gremlin, taking away its power and handing the megaphone to your true self, I invite you to connect with me.

Group of coworkers chatting in conference room

Speaking Your Truth in the Workplace: Part 3

May 22, 2021/in Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Cultivating a Culture of Trust, Respect and Engagement

In this third and final part of my “speaking your truth in the workplace” series, we’ll explore how you can work to create professional environments where people feel free to share their truth openly, empowering greater diversity of thought, higher innovation, increased creativity, and more effective collaboration.

Although this post is aimed at people in leadership roles, I encourage you – no matter what level you are at – to recognize the power in how you choose to show up. Taking 100% responsibility for your world is how you lead from any place, any time.

Why Truth Matters

Why do you want people fully speaking their truth? Wouldn’t that just cause more conflict? More time wasted getting everyone on the same page?

These concerns are also rooted in that old, command-and-control style of management. We know now that this style only stifles creativity and causes people to feel like they need to keep up their “work self” personas.

The truth is, many people get bogged down in culture, admin, politics and so on, and don’t allow their true free spirit to shine. They hold back on what they want to bring forward in terms of creativity.

This leads to a whole lot of energy going into appearances instead of substance. People hold back ideas because they don’t want to risk judgement. They shy away from innovation because they fear making mistakes. They don’t speak up about problems because they don’t want to be seen as troublemakers.

This all takes a lot of energy and leaves people feeling disconnected, unfulfilled, unmotivated and disengaged.

On the other hand, when you work to cultivate a workplace environment that welcomes truth and all that comes with it, people come alive and your organization reaps the benefits.

What Truth Needs to Thrive

There are so many reasons why people might hold back their truth. Often, these reasons are deeply embedded in their social, cultural and/or familial fabric. It takes a huge amount of courage to step into truth. That’s why, the number one thing truth needs in order to thrive is safety.

For someone to come to you and say, for example, “I think I made a mistake and I’m struggling with how to fix it”, they need to feel completely safe doing so. They need to trust that their honesty will be met with compassion and that their basic humanity will be respected. They need to feel that when they bring their truth to their boss, that their boss is a human being who understands and respects the experience of being human.

When, on the other hand, truth is met with shame and blame, people don’t feel safe. They respond with fear and fear is not respect. Respect is when someone recognizes you as a true leader – a guide, a coach, a mentor, an ally – a person who holds space for truth and helps light the way forward.

Where to Begin in Creating Safety for Truth

Just like any other shift you want to create, it starts with you. You can’t lead people where you aren’t willing to go. You also can’t ensure your efforts are fully aligned with what you want to create unless YOU are fully aligned with it first.

If you haven’t done so already, I strongly recommend reading part 1 and part 2 of this series and doing the work to bring your truth forward with yourself and in the workplace.

As a leader, how you show up and the example you set is far more influential than any policy. It’s all well and good to say, “We’re going to start speaking our truth”, but it’s only when people see it in action from those at the top that they begin to feel safe

doing it themselves.

How to Cultivate a Culture of Truth

The steps and practices I share below are primarily about you as a leader. If you want those you lead to embrace truth, you may be wondering why the focus is on you, and not on techniques you can put into place for others. I’m going to repeat what I said above because it is so, so important: you can’t lead people where you aren’t willing to go.

Culture comes from the top. You can’t expect the people you lead to embrace something that isn’t openly practiced at higher levels. You must get leadership on board because that’s where the culture shift has to start. It’s true, people at all levels can have an impact. But their impact will be stunted if it isn’t welcomed by leadership. That’s when good people jump ship.

Start with you and the rest will follow.

Here are 9 practices for creating a workplace environment that embraces and encourages truth:

Take 100% responsibility for your intention.

You are responsible for what you bring to every situation – nothing more, nothing less. Before you respond to what’s coming up around you, ask yourself, “Is my response intended to open up a conversation, or to shut it down?”

Curiosity is the ultimate path to truth. When your intention is to be curious, that naturally draws truth to the surface and you can move towards stronger mutual understanding. This creates better interpersonal relationships, makes you a safe space for truth to thrive, and empowers you and the people around you to co-create real solutions.

On the other hand, if your intention is to avoid, shut things down, protect yourself, put people in their place, be right, or even keep the peace… that only contributes to the belief that truth is unwelcome.

Be clear on what ISN’T your responsibility.

People can have all kinds of reactions to truth depending on their own inner experience. That. Is. Not. Your. Responsibility.

You are only responsible for your intentions and how you show up. You cannot hold space for anyone else’s truth if you allow your own truth to be silenced by someone else’s reaction.

Getting clear on what isn’t your responsibility serves 2 goals: maintaining your own energy reserves by keeping your focus only on what you truly can control, and setting an example for the people you lead that it’s ok to be in disagreement or even conflict. Your truth can still hold firm and you can still show up with respect.

Don’t take anything personally… unless it is personal.

When you react strongly to someone else’s truth (or even their difficult behaviour), it’s usually because you’re taking it personally. It has triggered something inside you – some unhealed wound or something that needs to grow.

Taking things personally leads to the kind of behaviour that cultivates environments of fear and unease. But, if you can rise above that level, you can create something much better.

When you notice yourself feeling triggered, pause. Whatever the other person has said or done is about them; it isn’t personal. What comes up for you in response IS personal, but it’s your wound to heal or growth to explore, not their responsibility.

There’s an amazing TEDx Talk here from a professional speaker who embarked on a pretty unique journey to learn how not to take things personally. His insight and a very cool exercise in self reflection will help you understand how empowering it is for anyone – and especially leaders – to do this work.

Embrace mistakes.

Mistakes can make people feel incompetent and/or fear that others will see them as incompetent. That’s a strong driving force for hiding mistakes, deflecting blame, or never taking a risk. And that stalls progress.

The thing is, mistakes aren’t failures. They’re stepping stones and learning opportunities. They are the only path to growth, both at the personal and organizational level. But only if people feel safe enough to see them that way. There’s a fantastic interview here with CEO, Mark Nikolich, about a $2 million mistake that was… actually ok. It was worked into the company’s planned delegation strategy aimed at empowering employees to stretch themselves and learn by doing.

Of course, not every organization has $2 million to spare. But everyone has something to spare and this is an area where you can actually build truth into corporate policy. Find your areas of stretch – areas where risks can be taken – and let people have free rein. Let them make mistakes and celebrate those mistakes. We know that children build confidence and resilience by being allowed to struggle a reasonable amount. That doesn’t end in childhood. We can all become better through struggle IF that struggle is reasonable (i.e. we aren’t just set up to fail) and we have leadership nearby to coach us and hold safe space for missteps.

And once again, it starts with you. Be open about your mistakes. Speak truthfully about trying something new: “I feel confident about this decision, but the truth is, I can’t know how it will turn out. This is new for me and I’m excited and apprehensive about how it will turn out.”

Define your “why”.

“People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.” I love the way Simon Sinek repeats that mantra again and again in this talk.

As Sinek describes, there’s something called the “golden circle” of the what, how and why, with why at the center, moving out towards what. Most organizations put the what out front. But some of the most successful organizations start with the why. Those are the organizations that people follow with loyalty and devotion.

The same is true in leadership. Your personal “why” is unique to you and it is the heart of your truth at work. You really need to do the work to understand your why because people can sense authenticity. Even if they can’t put it into words, they feel it when someone is authentic and they naturally want to follow that.

Dig deep. Ask yourself, “Why does truth matter to me in this environment? Why do I want to create a culture of truth? Why am I doing what I’m doing?” Start there before moving to your how and your what, and lead from your why.

Think safety at all stages.

An organization has to feel safe for people to truly bring their best to the table. And I’m not talking about physical safety. I’m talking about psychological and emotional safety.

If people fear the consequences of their truth, that isn’t a safe environment and people cannot fully engage with it. You can put any other engagement plan into practice, but if the safety isn’t there, it simply will not work.

And here’s another key truth: you don’t create a safe space by saying, “This is a safe space.” You create it by being a safe space.

You need to show – at all times and through direct action – that you are a safe space for truth. This is why you first need to lead yourself. You need to be in a mindset that empowers conscious response over knee-jerk reactions. You have to be in control of your triggers. You have to understand that nothing is personal (and where it is, you’ve done the work). You have to be open about your imperfections so that no one feels intimidated by your perceived perfection.

There’s yet another amazing talk from Simon Sinek here about why safety matters so much in leadership. Truth is powerful… and it is vulnerable. It needs safe space to thrive.

Set clear boundaries.

Boundaries are not just about keeping things out. They’re about creating space for positive things to come in.

In terms of fostering truth in the workplace, you need to set boundaries around whatever is impeding truth. That could mean refusing to engage in gossip or negative talk, developing skills to guide conversations towards progress when they move off track, or initiating honest conversations instead of allowing conflict to fester.

Get clear on where boundaries are needed in order to protect truth and to open doorways for more truth to enter safely and confidently.

Be aware of your own assumptions.

In part 2 of this series, I explored how mental models can be a tool in creating space and safety for truth, empowering greater co-creation and problem solving skills.

However, understanding your mental models can also be a powerful tool in non-conflict times. The mental models worksheet I shared in the linked post above gives you space to explore your own perspective and that of the other side, but when there is no “other side” in question, you can simply use the first part of the sheet to build insight into your own inner experience.

When you break down your truth into the 5 categories – facts, thinking, feeling, beliefs & expectations, and values – you get a clear picture of where your experience of truth is coming from, empowering you to open up to truth coming from others.

Often, we can get really hung up on truth being THE truth when really it’s our experience of truth. There are things that are true for us that may not be true for others, and that’s ok. When you lack full clarity, you can be more easily triggered because your inner “truth detector” senses something is untrue and jumps in defense mode. But, when you do have clarity, you can hear someone else’s truth and say to yourself, “Ok, what’s true for me and true for them seem to be in conflict and we can explore that with curiosity.” That’s where leadership happens.
Get coaching.

The best leaders approach leadership from a coaching mindset meaning, you see your role as recognizing and encouraging the unique strengths in others. You notice when people are struggling and are by their side to help them grow. You see their potential and open up opportunities for them. And when they fall, you guide them to get back up and create a better way of doing things.

A coaching approach to leadership empowers truth every step of the way by using truth to lift people up. To be able to do this, you may need to get some coaching for yourself. In fact, your whole leadership team would likely benefit from coaching. Coaching not only empowers you in many ways, but also gives you a frontrow view of the experience you want to create for the people you lead.

Look into leadership coaching services available to you and don’t hesitate to shop around. A coaching partnership must feel right to you and must feel aligned with what you want to create and why you want to create it.

The most inspiring and impactful leaders throughout history have all embraced truth – their own truth and truth in others. Truth empowers real progress to happen. It brings people together and gets them engaged around a common purpose.

Truth will always matter, but we have to be willing to be different, to be disruptive, even to be “difficult” (at least to those who don’t want truth to thrive) in order to bring our own truth into the light and be a safe space for others.

If you would like help connecting with your truth and cultivating a culture of truth around you, I invite you to connect with me.

Speaking Your Truth in the Workplace: Part 2

May 9, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Understanding your mental models sparks the clarity you need to speak your truth in the workplace with confidence and courage.

In the first part of this series, we explored why it might be so hard to speak our truth at work, as well as some tips, techniques and mindset shifts to help you start owning your truth more and more in the workplace. In this part, we’ll dive deeper into this topic by getting up close and personal with our mental models, why they have such a hold on us, and what we can do, from a practical perspective, to shift those models, empowering ourselves to fully own our truth, and bring it forward with respect and professionalism.

What are Mental Models and How do They Impact Our Truth?

Mental models are your thought processes. They are built out of all your experiences, assumptions, beliefs, old patterns, and so on. You already have mental models, whether you’re aware of them or not, and they are highly influential in how you show up and respond to your environment and circumstances.

Have you ever worked with a computer system and wanted it to do something, but… it just wouldn’t do it? Even a basic program like Word. We’ve all tried to fix formatting, add an image, edit a table, and the darn thing just won’t do what we want!

Mental models can be a lot like that, especially when we aren’t aware of them. We want to speak up, but it’s like our brain is saying, “Cannot perform function. Error. Error. Error…”

Your brain is so used to thinking in a certain way that trying to force it to think in a different way might crash the system! Except… not really. Just like a computer or piece of software can be reprogrammed, you can, in a way, reprogram your mind with updated mental models.

Why do Mental Models Stop us From Speaking Our Truth?

Ok, so we get what a mental model is, but why do so many people’s models hold them back from speaking their truth? I would venture to say that 100% of the people I’ve worked with have struggled with bringing their truth forward – saying what’s on their mind, sharing ideas, having difficult conversations, disagreeing with others, and so on. Why is this so universal?

The fact is, there’s a lot we don’t know about how human thinking evolved and why it evolved the way it did. But I ask you to consider this: so much of human evolution has been in the direction of survival. What if that’s how thinking evolved as well? What if it evolved to avoid difficult, painful, uncomfortable interactions as a survival mechanism? It would then make sense that, when our brains sense a potentially threatening situation, they hold us back from engaging.

In a way, if you consistently avoid speaking your truth, you are an evolutionarily successful human!

The problem is, our environment seems to have evolved faster than we have. Boardrooms are not battlefields. For the most part, we are not actually unsafe at work. Yet, our brains are still locked into that “do not engage” programming.

On top of that, much of the professional advice of past decades has aligned with those same mental models: tow the line, respect authority, etc. That old advice no longer works in today’s workplaces.

We need to give our evolution a little nudge; to intentionally override that default programming. Just as we learned in childhood not to lash out physically or scream at the top of our lungs when we’re angry, we can also learn to stop over-protecting ourselves. By educating ourselves on our own mental models, we can make powerful, intentional shifts that reeducate our brains to better understand genuine threat vs. just an uncomfortable interaction.

Mental Models Can Create “Roadblock Conflict”

Our mental models are basically made up of everything we’ve experienced. Which means, two different people can perceive the exact same situation in two completely different ways. If both people believe that their perception is THE truth, that can create what I’ll call “roadblock conflict”.

Conflict, as I’ve discussed before, can be an opportunity to explore different perspectives and co-create better solutions. That only works when we recognize that OUR truth may not be THE truth. When each party believes that their perspective is the only one – or only valid one – that creates roadblock conflict; a conflict where neither party is open to curiosity, flexibility or co-creation.

However, when we’re aware of our mental models, we understand that what we see as truth may be different from what others perceive as the truth. When we combine awareness of our mental models with awareness of our own values and confidence in our role as Hero in our own stories, speaking our truth – anywhere, anytime, even at work, even with our boss – becomes a lot less threatening. We’re able to bring out our truth with curiosity and have better, more progressive conversations that fuel our sense of purpose, meaning and engagement.

Identifying Your Mental Models

Identifying your mental models can be as simple as filling in a worksheet. The catch is, you have to do it for each subject you want to address, AND you have to be fully honest and open with yourself, AND fully open to the fact that the other person also has a mental model that you don’t have full insight into.

Below is an image of a mental model worksheet, which you can download here as a printable sheet. This worksheet was inspired by one that was shared with me by a trainer.

Here’s how to use the sheet:

1. Be clear and granular on the subject.

If it’s a decision to be made, a problem to be solved, an idea to share… be really clear on what you want to discuss and enter that into the “Subject to explore” section. Drill down and get granular. You don’t feel right about a new corporate policy, for example. What, specifically, do you not feel right about? Drill down to the exact point (or points).

2. Determine who else is involved.

In a workplace setting, the “who” can be an individual or a full team. Teams often function as complete systems with their own personalities, beliefs, expectations, value systems, etc. If you are butting heads with an individual over a subject that actually impacts a full team, it can often help to consider the team as the “who”.

3. Get curious about your truth.

In the “My Truth” row there are 5 categories with questions and prompts to help you excavate what’s going on for you. Start with the basic facts. The other 4 categories can be done in any order, but it’s key to get clear on the subject and facts first, so that you stay on topic.

When it comes to filling in the facts, avoid using qualifiers. For example, instead of, “When I bring up [subject], I am immediately shut down and that’s making it impossible to communicate”, simply write, “When I bring up [subject], I am immediately shut down.” That is your fact, as you know it. The part about communication also matters, but is more of a personal thought or belief than a fact. Instead, you could put that in the Thoughts category as, “I think this is making communication impossible between us” or in the Beliefs & Expectations category as, “I expect us to be able to share thoughts more openly and I believe this issue is making that impossible.”

As much as possible, use “I” statements throughout. This is about excavating YOUR truth so that you can bring it forward with confidence and clarity, AND about positioning your truth as simply one person’s perspective – a perspective that is worthy and valid, just as other perspectives are worthy and valid.

4. Get curious about their truth, as you know it.

You can’t know for sure what’s happening for them, but this is an opportunity for you to shift your mind into “possibility mode” and to start exploring all sides of the subject at hand. What might be coming up for the other person? What facts might they have that you don’t have? What facts might be more important to them than they are to you? What values might this touch on for them? What might someone in their position be thinking or feeling?

5. Explore the potential of “Us Together”.

For this section, think about how both sides can be brought together. Where can you be flexible without compromising what’s most important to you and/or your team? What common ground can you co-create from? What might they be willing to compromise on? What expectations, thoughts or feelings might be holding you back that you can work through? Remember, you aren’t creating the solution here. At this stage, you’re opening your own mind, getting a clear picture of your own mental model, and taking 100% responsibility for how you show up and respond.

What Next?

Just by going through the worksheet, you’ve already taken a practical step towards shifting your mental models. You’ve built awareness of your current models and have gotten curious about different perspectives and possibilities. Now ask yourself:

What have I gained through this awareness?
In what ways was my old mental model holding me back?
How will I use my new awareness to move forward?

Using Mental Model Awareness to Move Forward in Truth

Now it’s time to determine your next steps and take action. And this is where you need to lean into your leader within. What you do next will depend on:

The specifics of the issue
What you have determined matters most to you
The new perspectives, curiosity and flexibility you have created for yourself

Here are 4 approaches to consider in bringing your truth forward:

Bring your worksheet to the other person.

You’ve gone through a meaningful thought process. Why not share that? Show the other person where you started, what your concerns are, what matters to you, what you have considered of their perspective, and areas in which you feel you can be flexible.

Try something like: “I’ve been thinking over this issue and I’d like to share my thought process with you. I’d like us to create something that works for both of us.”
Have both of you complete the worksheet separately, then come together.

If you feel the other person or team would be receptive, suggest you each complete your own worksheets separately, so that when you come together, each party’s point of view is right there to start building mutual understanding.

Try something like: “I’d like to get a conversation going on this. I imagine we each have different values at play, objectives to consider and whatnot, and I also think we can find some common ground to create from. Would you be open to a little exercise that will help us all be heard and understand each other better?”
Break the ice with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is a really powerful quality to embrace. When you show up from a vulnerable place – meaning a place with no armor, personas or self-protective habits – you immediately become non-threatening, which can help disarm that knee-jerk reaction in others to shutdown.

Try something like: “It’s really difficult for me to have this conversation. I’m not used to speaking up and I’m still getting comfortable with openness.”

Unless the person you’re dealing with is truly toxic, chances are they have the same very human fears and awkward feelings around speaking their truth. Using vulnerability as an icebreaker levels the playing field. It puts you on an equal, “us together” footing where co-creation can thrive.
Invite collaboration.

When you filled out the worksheet, you had to make assumptions about the other person’s perspective. Lean into that to invite collaboration! It matters to all of us – at all levels – that we feel heard and valued. When you invite someone in with curiosity, you show them, from the start, that you want to hear them, and that you value their truth.

Try something like: “I really want to get your perspective on this because I know I’m only seeing it from my point of view right now. How do you see it? What am I missing that you can fill in?”

Then really listen as they speak. Does what they’re saying differ from your original assumptions? If so, how can you continue to be flexible? How else can you bridge the gap? What else is possible?

Mental models are strong, but they are not fixed. Through awareness, you can build flexibility into your mental models. When your thought processes are flexible AND you are confidently aligned with your values, the idea of speaking your truth becomes less threatening. In this state, you know that you lose nothing in speaking up, even if your truth is disagreed with.

One of my mantras is that truth always brings more truth. Everyone around you has their own truth, waiting for a safe space to emerge. When you start sharing your truth from a place of curiosity, you become that safe space. You allow more truth to emerge.

If you would like help getting clarity on your truth and building the confidence to bring it forward with professionalism and respect, I invite you to connect with me.

This is part 2 of a 3-part blog series on speaking your truth at work. You can read part 1 here. Part 3 will specifically guide those in leadership roles on how to cultivate cultures of truth and respect, and the value that brings to organizational success.

Diversity & Inclusion: How creating cultures of integration brings us all to greater heights

February 6, 2021/in Blog, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Creating cultures of integration brings us all to greater heights

Let me ask you… what does integration mean to you?

By definition, integration means bringing different things together. When we do that, the result is something new.

Imagine a bunch of different ingredients – flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, eggs, milk, butter – each with its own unique properties. When combined, those unique properties work together to co-create something wonderful (in this example, pancakes!).

The properties of each ingredient have value on their own, but it’s when they’re integrated that they bring the full force of that value forward.

What do pancakes have to do with diversity and inclusion in the workplace?

People are not pancakes. We’re not flour, sugar, butter… but we are all unique, each with our own strengths, talents and passions that bring great value to the organizations we work for… IF our organizational culture is one of integration.

Integration > Assimilation

Many organizations say they’re practicing diversity, but it’s really assimilation, meaning people are hired and expected to work themselves into the existing environment.

This misses the beauty of diversity, which is to create something even better – for your organization, your people, your community and the world.

With integration, people are hired and/or promoted with the expectation that they bring unique value, and that the environment will evolve in positive ways through that inclusion.

I can only go so far with the pancake metaphor, but imagine as each ingredient is added, it takes on the properties of baking powder instead of shining its own uniqueness. Not very effective!

Creating a workplace culture that welcomes, empowers and integrates uniqueness leads to wonderful things like greater creativity, innovation, engagement, collaboration, problem solving and more.

Why Diversity Matters for Business

Aside from the fact that it is the right – the human – thing to do, diversity and inclusion matter to a company’s overall success and placement within the global business community.

Earlier this year, the industry firm Catalyst published a report on the business case for diversity and inclusion, which includes such benefits as:

Lower turnover
Higher engagement
Greater innovation
Better decision making
Lower rates of team conflict

They also reported that organizations that prioritize inclusion experience boosts in their overall reputation, and that many consumers are more likely to purchase from a business they see as diverse and/or inclusive.

All that said, the report also points out that, “Instead of trying to seek that elusive “proof” that diversity causes improved business performance, companies should focus on diversity as a talent issue, and recognize that to be an industry leader, it is critical to tap into the full talent pool.”

Why wouldn’t you want the best and most diverse talent possible? People who challenge the norms and expand your field of possibilities?

Beyond Headcount

Of course, one of the first steps in creating a diverse organizational culture is actually having a diverse workforce, at ALL levels. That’s where you may need to examine your hiring and promotion practices.

Many companies already do this… and they stop there.

Whether I’m coaching individuals, teams or organizations, I always say that to create something different, you have to do things differently. If you’re changing your hiring practices, but your internal culture stays the same, you aren’t really doing things differently.

Beyond diversity is inclusion – cultivating a culture where everyone feels included – and beyond that is integration – cultivating a culture where everyone is valued.

Value in Action

What does it mean to actually value someone? Value in action looks like:

Openly recognizing contributions
Holding authentic conversations
Asking for input and advice
Taking all opinions into consideration
Getting curious about strengths, interests and passions, especially beyond the job description
Constructive feedback
Active listening
Regular face time where people are given your full attention
Interest in, and guidance for, professional and personal development
Embracing conflict as an opportunity for better understanding

It is primarily intangible actions – behaviours and practices baked into the culture – that tell people whether or not they are genuinely valued.

A person who feels valued feels secure in bringing more and more of their uniqueness forward, integrating that uniqueness into their team and the overall organization, contributing to a culture of continual evolution towards higher and higher levels.

Creating a Culture of Integration

You’ll never know what awesomeness people can really bring to the table unless you do the work to create a safe space for all of it to come forward.

Here are 5 ways to start transforming your workplace culture into one of integration:

Prioritize authenticity
If you really want people to go above toeing the line, you have to make authenticity a real priority. That means, letting people be human, making it ok to get it wrong, thanking people for sharing ideas that are different, and setting the example by stepping into your own authenticity.

Assume a mindset of anything is possible
It’s such a common thing in business environments to get caught in that “this is just the way it’s done” mindset. Especially in times of chaos. But that’s how you get stuck and growth stalls. Be intentional about adopting an “anything is possible” mindset at all times. If you are clear on your values and goals, staying open to possibilities won’t throw you off track. It’ll get you on an even stronger path.

Value the whole person, not just their direct contribution
What someone brings to their role is important – their skills, experience and practical knowledge. However, if you want people to be engaged, creative and productive, they need to bring the full force of their strengths and energy into the work that they do. As a leader, you need to be the one driving this by living it yourself and valuing it in others. Get curious about what fires people up, what they enjoy in their downtime, what other interests they have, their personal goals and passions.For example, maybe someone is really into health and fitness in their personal time, but they never talk about it at work. If you get curious about it and ask them about it, maybe other people overhear or they start mentioning their interests from time to time. Maybe that turns into a group of people becoming running buddies, either in person or through an app. Now you have employees connected to each other in a stronger way. By finding that point of connection, they develop better relationships that translate to more creative collaboration. Whether it’s cooking, travelling, reading, meditation, online gaming, writing fan fiction, creating makeup tutorials, celebrating holidays, following cricket… celebrate people bringing their joys and interests forward to create an inclusive, integrated work culture.
Establish an internal coaching & mentorship program
It isn’t just hiring practices that hold people back and keep work cultures homogenous instead of dynamic. Your internal development and promotion practices need to change as well. Take an honest look at how careers evolve within your organization and who is rising through the ranks. Chances are, whether the practice is intentional or not, it’s mostly people who follow the status quo that get promoted. That’s a red flag that not only is your culture not inclusive, it also isn’t growth focused. One way to combat this stagnancy is to develop an internal coaching & mentorship program where the focus is on uncovering and growing the unique strengths and talents of your people and guiding them to align what fuels them with organizational objectives. This may require coaching your leadership to become coaches within the organization, and that is a powerful way to kick off top-down change that cultivates multi-level evolution.
Learn to lead from the heart
Many of us want to welcome all ideas and perspectives. We want dynamic and inclusive workplace cultures where innovation and going against the grain are celebrated. So, why can it feel like such a challenge? One reason is that we aren’t conscious of how much our behaviours and actions aren’t coming from our true selves. From a young age, most of us are taught that fitting in is better than standing out. We then bring that mentality into our professional lives, limiting ourselves and everyone around us. Embracing heart-based leadership is about reconnecting with the core of who you are, what you truly believe, and what matters to you. It means identifying your limiting beliefs and cutting them off at the root so that the best parts of you can thrive. When you do that, you can lead from a place of genuine authenticity; a place of vulnerability and courage. This is how you become a safe space for others to bring their truest and best selves forward, driving inclusion and integration in such a powerful way.

The bottom line is, everyone benefits when diversity is celebrated – when we elevate it to something critical to our advancement and success as individuals, organizations and a society, rather than a line item to check off.

When we see the things that make us different as things that make us better, we empower diversity in all forms and open up endless possibilities to reach higher and higher levels.

If you would like guidance in how to put value into action and create a culture of integration, I invite you to connect with me.

How Authentic Are Your Business Conversations?

September 25, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Business Coaching, Career Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Heart Based Business Coaching, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Something I hear over and over again from different clients is that they keep leaving business conversations without having said what they really wanted to say, without getting the answers they needed to move forward, and without getting commitments to put things into action.

This is a struggle I know well – not just because a huge part of coaching focuses on having better conversations, but because I lived that struggle for many years myself.

So… why do so many of us struggle to get anything meaningful out of conversations?

I’ve worked with people all over the world, and this struggle seems to transcend culture. Across the globe, people are afraid to speak what is on their mind. They are afraid to have authentic business conversations either because they fear the other person’s reaction or opinion, fear being rejected or their ideas not being important, or they fear the other person’s position and how they might handle the information.

The bottom line is fear. And let me tell you, fear is a powerful feeling.

But, let me ask you… how authentic are your business conversations? How much do you leave unsaid? How is that serving you?

The Co-Active Training Institute says, “A leader is one who is responsible for their world.”

As someone who is responsible for their world, you have it within your control to change the course of your conversations. You have the capability to enter conversations with authenticity and leave them feeling more fulfilled.

How can you do that? It’s all in how you choose to show up.

Here are 14 ways you can optimize how you show up in order to create authentic business conversations that genuinely move things forward:

1. Take control of your mindset and attitude going into the conversation.

You feel like every conversation you have goes the same way. So why assume the next one will be any different? Well, one thing that absolutely can be different is the mindset and attitude you adopt going in.

Connect with your higher self, the Universe, your purpose before going into the conversation. Connect with your values.

Set the intention to speak from your heart and with the utmost respect.

Look for the connection point and latch onto that. Even if there is just 1% you like or respect in the other person, focus on that 1%. What you focus on, expands. It’s where growth happens.

Don’t go in as a tyrant. Make a commitment, here and now, to abandon the “I am right, you are wrong” mindset. Go in with curiosity, treating the other person as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, with the mindset that perhaps they can contribute to the situation something that you can’t.

Attitude is everything. You are responsible for the energy you bring into the conversation. Don’t be toxic or attempt to make someone feel powerless or in the wrong. Go into it with the intention to resolve, not win.

2. Own your part of it.

As Fred Kofman, PhD, Google’s leadership development advisor, and author of the book Conscious Business says, “Our goal is to explore each other’s reasoning, to understand why we think what we think. We need to assume that we have contributed to the current situation and explore our role in it.”

Yes, it might be hard to admit, and you might not see it right away, but you have contributed to the situation in some way. The sooner you are ready to see and accept that, the sooner you can open up a new way of looking at the situation and new possibilities can emerge.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about responsibility. Blame lives in the past. Responsibility strives to move forward.

3. Know your BATNA.

“How do I feel about this? What is important to me? In a perfect world, what would my ideal end result look like? What am I willing to settle for?”

This is your BATNA, or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.

Get clear on your best alternative before going in. By knowing your BATNA beforehand, you are able to go in with clarity on what you will or will not agree to.

When we leave a conversation feeling that nothing was accomplished or that we compromised on something we shouldn’t have, it’s usually because we lacked this clarity.

When you are confident in your BATNA in advance, you know where you need to stand firm and are free to be flexible in other areas.

4. Explore the other side; be curious!

Truly listen. Summarize what was said. Acknowledge their concerns. Confirm and validate them. Show empathy and convey that you care.

Always talk from your heart. “I hear you… I respect you… your demands are reasonable… here is what is happening and what is possible at this moment… “

Above all, stay curious. When someone speaks, assume you have no idea what they’re about to say (instead of assuming you know exactly what they’ll say, which so many do out of habit) and truly listen.

5. Practice “level 3 listening”.

Listening is more than just hearing words. It’s about building connection.

Level 1 listening is extremely common. This is where we’re maybe hearing the words of the other person, but our main focus is on our own opinions, judgements, what we’ll say next and so on.

At level 2, we turn our focus onto the other person more fully, hearing not just their words, but also noticing their body language, tone of voice, energy, direction of their gaze, everything.

At level 3, we’re still tuned into all the level 2 listening cues, but we now add in our intuition and mirror back what we’re seeing, hearing and intuiting. All without judgement or investment in the outcome – purely from a curiosity mindset. That may sound something like this: “I hear your concerns and I see where you’re coming from. I feel like you’re holding back something you want to say. What’s up?”

It’s a really strong skill that helps people open up and be themselves. Even if they aren’t ready to open up, having you show up in that way helps them feel seen and truly heard, which is where true connection is formed and progress can begin.

6. Ask powerful questions to start excavating.

Imagine yourself as a conversational archeologist. You want to uncover what’s way beneath the surface but to do that, you have to gently start clearing away what’s at the surface. You can do this by asking open questions that really get people thinking.

You might try questions like, “What is most important to you? What does that look like to you? If you could have any role, what would that be?”

Ask questions to get the person thinking about what is going on and what they want to create, not to just repeat stories they can tell to anyone. Amazing things can surface in this way.

7. Do your part and initiate the authenticity.

Whether the other person is being authentic or not, choose to take responsibility for your part and be authentic. It’s very common that we tend to move ourselves to the level of the person we’re interacting with. Instead of being the one doing the moving, harness that phenomenon by being the one to set the tone of authenticity. This keeps you at your highest level and gives the other person the opening to rise to your level. Whether or not they take that opening is up to them.

Committing to the level of authenticity brings good karma as you are treating people the way you would like to be treated. It isn’t easy to be authentic, but what is the cost of not being authentic? If we don’t speak our truth, we stay in the same place. Don’t let that be an option.

Either the person or the issue is important to you. Do your part by speaking up.

Remember, leaders have opinions. Bring energy to your point and don’t let it get shut down. Yes, in previous tips I’ve encouraged you to acknowledge and accept the other person’s point of view. But acceptance is not acquiescence! It’s respecting the diversity of perspectives and experiences, and being open to alternative points of view. It does not mean compromising your values.

You can impact the energy in a conversation. Choose to be a leader in the conversation rather than a victim.

8. Be mindful of the words you say (and don’t say).

Speak from your point of view using open ended phrases. For example, try “The way I see it… The way I feel…” and so on vs. “We should do this… This is how it is going to be…” You want to co-create, not dictate.

Avoid attacking, blaming or taking a superior tone. Treat others as equal co-creators and believe that they truly can be equal co-creators.

Avoid phrases like, “You did this,” or “You should… ”. These phrases are loaded with judgment – intended or not – and tend to put people on the defensive.

Instead, try phrases like, “I would like…”, “It would help if…” or “I feel we would both benefit from…”

Don’t punish by withdrawing if you don’t get what you want. Remember that this is about resolving the problem to everyone’s benefit. Stay open. Keep asking, “What else is possible?” Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It might be uncomfortable speaking authentically, but better to be uncomfortable than to hold in anger and resentment, which will only spill over into other areas of your life. As Brene Brown, American professor, lecturer, author and podcast host says, “Discomfort over resentment.”

9. Bring out the left-hand column.

What’s the left-hand column? The LHC (or left-hand column) refers to everything going on in your head during a conversation that you choose NOT to share.

We hold back our LHC either because it’s toxic, (“Is this person crazy? Are they smoking something?”), or it could be gratitude and admiration you hold back because it’s uncomfortable, or maybe you don’t feel comfortable sharing your unique thoughts out of fear (“What will people think? What if I upset someone?”).

Try this:

Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of it.
In the right-hand column, write out a conversation you recently had with someone.
In the left-hand column, write out what you wanted to say at each step of the conversation, but you did not say, or what you were thinking or feeling during the conversation, but kept to yourself.

When we do this exercise, that LHC often comes out a lot longer than the right hand column. In an authentic conversation, however, that LHC would significantly decrease.

If you have a lengthy LHC, chances are high the other person does too. Start being open about yours in a professional way and chances are you will open up the space for the other person to be upfront about theirs as well. So much more is possible from this place!

Going into a meeting, be aware of what might be on your LHC ahead of time and set the intention to try to bring as much of that forward as possible. How would sharing your LHC impact the conversation, your relationship, or how you feel in the conversation? What is the impact of not sharing it?

There are facts, feelings, expectations and assumptions we each have that the other person might not be aware of, which will contribute to a better conversation.

Acknowledge the LHC. Make room for it at the table, whether it’s in a one-on-one conversation, with your team, or even your family.

Of course, some things should stay on the LHC. I’ve yet to ask someone, mid-conversation, “Are you smoking something??” And I think I’ll keep it that way ;)

10. Choose how you will respond.

If you get triggered, notice where you are triggered. It’s an indication of what you need to heal and not necessarily connected to the moment. This is where respond vs. react comes into play. When we aren’t fully aware of our triggers and their source, we’re more likely to react when something comes up. When we have that awareness, we’re able to interact responsively, rather than reactively.

Be alert to what makes you shut down and what makes you open up so that you can be intentional in choosing how you will respond.

11. Align around a common purpose.

“Are our values aligned? Is there a common purpose? Is there a mutually beneficial agreement?”

A common purpose gives people something to continually work towards, together. It can also move conversations away from battleground-style conditions and towards an “us together” mindset where co-creation is possible.

Keep aligning on what you can agree on and grow from there.

12. Check in on how others are feeling during the conversation.

It’s important to acknowledge others’ feelings as it helps you have more authentic conversations and assures the people you’re connecting with that they are a valued part of this interaction.

Ask questions like: “How do you feel about what I said? What comes up when I say that? How do you see things? Have I addressed your concerns?”

13. Keep in mind where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.

There really is so much within our control and a great deal of responsibility that we can take on in a progressive way. However, it’s equally important to be aware of those boundaries where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. That’s as much about caring for yourself as it is about respecting another person’s areas of self-authority, regardless of what they choose to do with them.

For instance, if someone is dead set on getting a deliverable from you, but delivering on that date would mean compromising a higher priority item, say something like: “If I don’t get this high priority item out, what will I say during my presentation to the team? I will have nothing to report and our schedule will be off track.”

Put yourself in their shoes and understand their concern (remember, acceptance and acknowledgement are not acquiescence). Remind them of the priorities of the organization as a whole and where you have to put your efforts and priorities to align with those of the organization. As for their deadlines, have compassion for them and encourage them to have authentic conversations with their teams as to why certain things can’t be met at certain deadlines and what is possible instead.

For many of us, maintaining these clear boundaries can bring feelings of guilt. That’s a trigger that needs your inward exploration, not your external capitulation. When you make decisions that align with organizational priorities, personal values, a common purpose, etc., someone may feel let down in the moment, but that feeling is theirs to explore. Ultimately, you have done the opposite of let anyone down. You’ve embraced the discomfort necessary to continually move in the right direction. That’s leadership.

14. Don’t leave the conversation without moving forward.

Try not to let a conversation end until:

You have fully expressed your thoughts;
You’ve gained needed clarity on a situation;
Your questions have been answered, or commitments (with a set date) have been made to follow up with answers;
Or next steps have been determined.

Never leave a conversation without feeling it has moved forward in some way. If there is a time constraint, set a firm date and time for when you’ll pick the conversation up again.

When you are not authentic, people feel it, instinctively. And it backfires. When you are being you, you shine. You are happier and freer. You are also more productive, most likely because it’s exhausting trying to keep up being someone that is not authentically you. When you choose to sit in discomfort rather than leave things to fester, you are actively doing the hard work of leadership. When you take down the walls, the LHCs, you become energized. People around you feel more comfortable and inspired to do the same.

Just imagine what a company full of authentic, engaged, openly communicating employees can achieve!

Authenticity always brings more authenticity and can shift any situation or conversation. Choose to set that tone.

If you need some coaching around having better conversations at work or in your personal life to help move you forward, connect with me.

In this article, we’ll explore:

The Leadership Impact of Daily Routines

Why is a Morning Routine Important for Leadership Presence?

How Your Morning Routine Shapes Your Team

Momentum Tunnels: The Key to Lasting Change

How to Create Positive Momentum

Example: Replacing a Habit That Drains Energy

How to Close the Exits to Old Habits

Ask Yourself:

How to Create a Morning Routine That Sticks (5 Steps)

Step 1: Get Clear on Your Leadership Vision

Step 2: Start Small—One Shift at a Time

Step 3: Design a Routine That Fuels You

Step 4: Build Momentum Gradually

Step 5: Implement & Reassess

Final Thoughts: Leading with Intention

What is Transformational Leadership?

How Does Transformational Leadership Differ from Other Leadership Styles?

What are the Key Benefits of Transformational Leadership?

What are the 4 Elements of Transformational Leadership?

What are the 5 C’s of Transformational Leadership?

How to Begin Implementing Transformational Leadership

Key Takeaways:

7 Best Practices for Terminating Employees with Empathy, Dignity and Compassion

Why it Matters to “Fire Well”

Doing this well matters for 3 key reasons:

What to do Before Deciding to Let Someone Go

7 Best Practices

Take care of your heart first

Be human and speak from the heart

Practice outloud, ideally with HR or someone who can advise you from a legal perspective

Take the personal out of it

Be brief and get to the point

Move onto next steps swiftly, but compassionately

Give as much support as you can

FAQs About Letting Employees Go

Q: How can managers effectively prepare for the termination conversation?

Q: What role does active listening play during the termination process?

Q: How can managers communicate the decision with empathy and compassion?

Q: What can be done to support the employee during the transition period?

Q: Are there any specific techniques for delivering the termination news respectfully?

Q: How can managers address the emotions and reactions of the employee being terminated?

Q: What steps can be taken to preserve the dignity of the employee throughout the process?

Q: How can managers provide closure and help the employee move forward after termination?

Q: Are there any post-termination actions that managers should consider to support the remaining team?

What NOT To Do

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I terminate an employee with dignity?

What is the most empathetic way to fire someone?

What should I never say when firing an employee?

What is Servant Leadership?

Is Servant Leadership Effective Leadership?

When Should You Choose (or not choose) Servant Leadership?

What Are the Principles of Servant Leadership?

Servant Leadership vs. Traditional Leadership

How Can Serving Others Help You Succeed?

Why is Asking Questions Important for Leaders?

Questions From a Heart of Peace

What is a Powerful Question?

What Are Some Good Leadership Questions to Ask?

Here are some examples of powerful questions to ask someone, that you can modify per your needs:

How to Hold Safe Space for Great Questions (and Answers)

Holding Safe Space Means Being a Safe Space

When You Feel Like Giving Advice…

Questions Create Better Conversations

Taking it Further

What are Saboteurs or Gremlins?

Why Do We Still Have Gremlins as Adults?

How to Control Your Inner Gremlins

Here are 8 steps to getting control of your Saboteur:

Step 1: Identify your Saboteur’s personality

Step 2: Name your Saboteur

Step 3: Befriend your Gremlin

Step 4: Visualize sending them off

Step 5: Start tuning into your true voice

Step 6: Visualize possible outcomes – especially the bad ones

Step 7: Take a step

Step 8: Keep it up

Cultivating a Culture of Trust, Respect and Engagement

Why Truth Matters