Grieving the Loss of a Pet
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I’ve been meaning to write this post for months. It has been so difficult, and I haven’t felt ready to put the experience out there. Finally, I got pen to paper, and told myself I had to do it to honor my dear Coco.
Coco was our puppy. She wasn’t with us long, but she has left an imprint in our hearts that will always be there.
Coco’s Story
We had been wanting to bring a puppy into our family for a long time. In the summer of 2023 we got the amazing news that one would be available for us on October 2nd.
We were overjoyed! We knew that while life with a puppy would be so rewarding and a totally love fest, it would also come with challenges. As a family, we embraced all of it, and Coco was one of the best things that ever happened to us.
I remember the day I picked her up. She was just sooooooo cute. I put her in a little box to drive her home and she kept trying to get out to be beside me as I was driving. It was pure love from the start.
Coco was pure chaos and puppy-ness. She loved to take our socks and shoes outside. She loved to make holes in our clothes. She loved making a mess. She loved removing the stuffing from her doggie bed and from pillows. She loved chewing the edges of carpets. She loved snow. She loved to be brushed. She loved jumping on my bed to wake me up every morning. She followed me everywhere, even the washroom. She loved begging for dates and figs in the morning. She loved squash, sweet potato, bioK, honey, eggs, meat… pretty much everything! She had an extensive palate, and a family that loved to spoil her.
And it wasn’t just us. Everyone loved her. She brought the neighbors together, put smiles on everyone’s faces, and shared her joyful, loving spirit with everyone she met. You could not walk past her without her wanting to greet you.
That winter, we went on vacation and left her in the care of a neighbor whose house was already Coco’s home away from home. They also had a dog who was her best buddy. They got along so well.
On January 2nd, 2024, we were ready to head home from our vacation when I got the worst message. Our beloved 16 month old Coco had passed away in an accident. We were not even there for her last breath.
While playing, the neighbor’s dog’s teeth had gotten caught in Coco’s choker collar and he accidentally strangled her. We’ve since learned that it is called a choker accident.
Coco’s trainer had advised us to use the choker, saying it would be easier to control her on walks. I trusted the expert and I wish I hadn’t. It was devastating to lose Coco. Especially in that way.
My Grief
Grief is a raw and complex experience. It isn’t just about the space left behind by a lost loved one, but all the emotions that go along with how they died and the choices we made or didn’t make. And of course, every situation is unique.
For me, this amazing light had come into my family and had been snuffed out so suddenly and horribly, and in a way that didn’t have to happen. I’m sure you can imagine the anger, sadness and guilt that came in crashing waves.
We coped as a family, but it was a long time before I felt ready to share the experience more openly. I don’t even know if I’m fully ready, but I feel that sharing our loss is one way I can honor Coco and her joyful life.
The Validity of Grief
Grief can be experienced around any loss, and to varying degrees. It’s about the wound left behind for you. How you experience the loss. It’s valid to grieve the loss of a pet and to be deeply affected by it.
One of the reasons I held back from sharing this is that I know there are people who don’t think the loss of a pet should be so impactful. And I know there are people who have experienced far more devastating and horrible losses.
But I don’t believe that we gain anything by comparing the depths of our grief. My experience doesn’t take away from someone else’s. Someone’s far deeper grief doesn’t make mine any less impactful to me. And when we’re devastated by the loss of a loved one, it means we were once blessed by their presence. It’s ok to grieve that.
If you are experiencing the loss of a person, a pet, a job, a friendship, a home, a situation, a sense of stability, or anything at all, and you feel like you aren’t entitled to grieve – or have been told that by someone – let that feeling go, and let the grief in.
Acknowledge your grief and express it. It was so hard for me to come home to an empty house with Coco’s food and water bowls still there, waiting for her. It was hard to wake up in the morning and not have her follow me around as I went about my routine. Harder still to walk around the neighborhood without her and having people ask where she was.
The more I tried to avoid these feelings and interactions, the heavier the grief felt in my heart. There’s a saying that a problem shared is a problem halved. By acknowledging my grief and talking about it with people I trust, it didn’t go away, but it did start to feel easier to carry.
I repeat this constantly: what happens in one area of life will impact other areas. Your grief is valid and not giving yourself permission to experience it will only cause it to show up somewhere else.
Why is the Loss of a Pet so Hard?
I’ve had some difficult losses in my life, but Coco’s death hit me like nothing before.
Maybe it was because of the way she died, or that I wasn’t there when it happened. Maybe it’s because of the innocence of animals, or the unwavering trust that dogs have for us. There’s also the sense that people won’t understand or might dismiss the sadness because it’s “just a dog” (for goodness sake, please never say this to someone who has lost a pet).
Whatever it is, there’s something about the loss of a beloved pet that’s uniquely painful. That doesn’t mean it’s a pain that’s more or less than any other type of grief. Just that it’s different.
That Damn Guilt
You’re probably familiar with the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – but I think in a lot of situations, guilt can be a sixth stage, and it’s one that can really keep us stuck.
I had so much guilt about Coco’s death, both because of how it happened and because we weren’t there for her. And it wasn’t just Coco’s death. I also experienced floods of guilt when I almost lost my grandmother. It nearly happened when I was away, and I feel that if it had happened, that guilt likely would have stuck around.
I went pretty far down the guilt trail for a while, and so did my neighbors who loved her so much. But guilt doesn’t serve us. Left to fester, it can become one of our greatest Saboteurs. We can’t change what’s already happened, and guilt keeps us stuck there, ruminating on what should have been.
How Can You Help Someone Grieving a Pet?
As someone who grew up without much emotional validation, I was blown away by the outpouring of love and support that came in. Friends calling and checking in on me daily, people showing up with cards or candles to honor her, one friend made a donation to a golden retriever rescue foundation, and another gave me a bracelet with a picture of me and Coco inside.
If someone you know has lost a pet, simply BE there for them. It matters so much. Don’t avoid the topic. Let it take up space.
You don’t need to spend money or create time you don’t have. Check in calls, texts or emails are often the most meaningful. It ensures the person isn’t alone with their grief and validates that the loss is a meaningful and impactful one for them.
Gifts in Grief
As a coach, I believe that we need to look for the gifts or lessons in all things. I am always posing the question to clients, “What’s the gift in this?”
When it came to losing Coco, all I could think was, “What the f*** is the gift here??”
What was I supposed to learn? Of course I would never use a choker collar again, but that couldn’t be the only thing to gain. I was so sad and angry, and couldn’t imagine finding anything to be grateful for in Coco’s death. I also knew, as a coach and from personal experience, that finding the gifts is part of the process.
I turned to mindful moments, meditation, journaling, lots and lots and lots of crying, and when I felt I had exhausted my anger and sadness, I nudged myself in a new direction. Again, I brought myself the question I had asked others so many times. What’s the gift in this?
I thought about Coco’s impact – her incredible light – and here are the gifts I’m choosing to open myself up to:
- Set the intention to always BE IN the present moment.
I think this is one of the greatest gifts of pet ownership. Animals are always in the moment. On walks, Coco would suddenly stop to roll around in the grass, looking at us with her big puppy smile. She felt an urge and went with it. She probably never had a thought about being in the moment, she was just always there.
Like a lot of people, I tend to get caught in stress cycles, always rushed and thinking about what needs to get done. I need to embrace my inner Coco-ness from time to time and just let myself melt into the moment. I notice that when I do this, I’m able to handle everything else with more ease and joy.
- Put your intuition above your to-do list.
Along the same lines as being in the present moment, I intend to connect with my intuition more intentionally, especially during hurried or stressful moments.
I had meant to tell the neighbors to take off Coco’s collar in the house, but I was in a hurry to get to the airport on time and forgot. Later, while away, I remembered that I needed to message them and tell them. But then I got busy again and forgot again. My intuition was trying to get through to me, but even on vacation I wasn’t slowing down enough to truly connect within.
Our amazing brains process about 11 million bits of information per second, but we’re only able to consciously notice about 40 of those bits. Intuition isn’t some magical force. It’s the mind’s pathway to all of that information beneath the surface, and it can be a powerful tool in our lives.
Intuition first. Always.
- Create awareness around choker collars.
On a more practical side, this is now an issue I intend to be vocal about. I’ve since learned that while a lot of trainers recommend their use, they don’t specify how to use them safely or the risks involved.
I believe they should come with strong warnings, and that all trainers, retailers and anyone involved with pet care should be thoroughly advising pet owners.
I learned all of this too late, so I’m sharing now in case it helps someone else: Never leave a dog unattended with a choker collar on. Only use the collars for walking and only if absolutely necessary. Always take the choker off at home. If you’re leaving your dog in someone else’s care, be vigilant in ensuring they understand and follow the same guidance.
Also, don’t go straight for a choker, even if a trainer or other expert advises. Try a regular collar or harness first. If your dog doesn’t absolutely need a choker, please don’t use one.
Self-Care Practices for Grieving
You deserve to feel your grief and to heal from the loss. Caring for yourself can feel so hard, and if guilt is a dominant emotion for you, it can even feel – in your grief – like it’s wrong to take care of yourself. It isn’t. Here are some ways you can lean into to self care as you move through your grief:
- Seek support from friends or family you trust. It’s natural for people who love you to want to fix your difficult feelings, but if that isn’t what you need or want, it’s ok to say that you need support, not solutions, and to ask them to simply be there for you.
- Look into online resources, support groups and discussion boards. See which ones align with your values and feel authentic to you.
- Don’t hesitate to seek out professional support if you’re really struggling or don’t have a supportive circle in your life at this time.
- Let yourself do less.
- Words of comfort and hope can be really helpful. If someone said something especially helpful to you, write it down and put it somewhere you’ll see it daily. You can also look up quotes or poems on grief and loss for something that resonates with you. Lean into those words.
- Self care practices like meditation, mindfulness, grounding, salt baths, yoga, long walks and even good old fashioned rest can be incredibly supportive.
- Consider what areas of your energy are most suffering in your grief and adopt practices to support, protect and rejuvenate that energy.
How to Memorialize a Lost Pet
Pet loss can be so hard, and there’s little social recognition. Some people have funerals, burials, or memorial services for their pets, but it isn’t the norm and can also be far too pricey.
As you let yourself feel and express your grief, focus on your positive memories. My son said to me, “We need to focus on the fact that we were blessed to have her for 15 months.” In memorializing Coco, I try to focus on all the joy she brought, and I like to imagine her now in doggy heaven, enjoying all her favorite things, and none of the things she hated, like car rides and baths.
If it feels right to you, you deserve to remember your pet in some way. Here are some of the ways we are remembering Coco:
- Creating a little altar in our home with Coco’s ashes, her paw print, and a tuft of her fur
- Lighting candles daily and blowing her kisses
- Compiling a photo album of her life
- Making a collage of pictures to hang in our home
- Keeping her ID tag
- Writing a personal letter to honor her
Here are some ways others have memorialized their pets:
- Had a favorite photo turned into a painting-style print on canvas
- Gotten a tattoo of their pet’s silhouette
- Gotten a piece of jewelry to remember them (you could choose a paw print, birth month flower, special symbol, etc)
- Memorialized their dog’s favorite step
- Framed a favorite toy
- Preserved the chew marks on a chair leg
The Bottom Line
Grief is both a unique and deeply personal experience, and a potential path to connection. Greater connection with your loved ones, connection with a new community, connection with your core self, connection with some greater force… it’s an end, but can also be a beginning when you’re ready and open to it.
Grief is also valid and it’s ok to lean away from anyone who tries to minimize or invalidate your experience.
I will never forget Coco, and while my grief continues to soften around the edges, it will always be there in some form, and I will continue to honor it and to honor Coco ♥️
