How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Difficult (and all) Times

November 16, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Business Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Boundaries are always important. Especially now. With many people now working from home, many clients have told me they need their own space. I’ve seen everything from meetings in closets, to spaces within spaces, to reimagined furniture. These physical and visual boundaries are great, AND can be helped along by healthy personal boundaries.

What are Healthy Boundaries?

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
~Prentis Hemphill

When you feel safe and free within a space, that’s when you know you have healthy personal boundaries. This is true in a physical space, but what I’m talking about here are emotional, mental and spiritual spaces.

Whenever we feel that our personal “space” – our inner wellbeing – is threatened, crowded, jumbled up, or otherwise not secure, that’s an indicator that we don’t have healthy boundaries in place. This can feel like you’re doing everything to please others, or just to “stay afloat”, like your life force is being sucked out, or like you’re just functioning in survival mode.

The pandemic has shifted so many of our “walls” – our physical spaces, interactions with others, the role of media in our lives, even how we prepare to leave the house – meaning we have to tap into our flexibility to reimagine what healthy boundaries look like for us, then put them into practice.

Boundaries & Fear

Many people are afraid to set boundaries that empower self-love. We’re afraid of rejection or upsetting someone. Afraid of love or affection being withdrawn. Afraid of getting fired. Afraid of being criticized, called selfish or accused of being a bad parent, spouse, friend or child. We fear the loss of whatever carrot is dangled in front of us.

It took me a long time to realize this.

Let me tell you, when you live your life afraid to set boundaries, people just seep right in there with all their ideas, opinions and demands… and it is quite hard to change.

So, if that is where you are starting from, you are not alone. If you’ve set boundaries before, but find they aren’t serving you in your new normal, you aren’t alone in that either.

Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

If you truly want to end the draining, people pleasing cycle, you need boundaries. You have to put walls up against situations and people that cause you to feel less than whole.

In some cases, those walls will build stronger, more vibrant relationships with deeper connection through understanding. In other cases, those walls will be protective, keeping toxic people or situations at bay.

And let’s be clear: Protecting yourself is not selfish! It’s a vital form of self-care.

My Journey

As a child, I was stopped and reprimanded whenever I tried to explore or question, so that I essentially had no voice.

Because I was not allowed to explore, not taught to say NO when I was uncomfortable, always expected to respect adults unconditionally, I never developed self-confidence.

Instead, I grew up believing that my thoughts and feelings were wrong, and that it was up to authority figures to tell me what to think, feel and do.

Not having this confidence created many issues in my life.

My experience was at the extreme (though sadly not uncommon) end of what can happen when a child is denied the right to set boundaries. I didn’t know to speak up when something wasn’t right and the wrong people took advantage of that. I later learned that people who mistreated me went on to do this to others as well, never facing the consequences for what they had done.

There are many ways we can end up abused or taken advantage of when we are not empowered to set our own boundaries – when we are taught that pleasing others matters more than respecting ourselves.

Learning to set boundaries as an adult, I learned that healthy boundaries aren’t just about protecting ourselves from the bad, but also about creating the good things we want. As they guide us away from what isn’t right for us, they guide us towards the relationships, opportunities and pursuits that fuel us from the inside, creating a domino effect within our lives and those of the people around us.

How to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Like I said, setting boundaries is easier said than done. Especially if the people around you are resistant and/or dealing with their own struggles. Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you’re holding others up without caring for yourself, you aren’t being strong. You’re being used. Eventually, you’ll get used up and that’s when burnout sets in.

Here are 12 tips and best practices to strengthen yourself within through holding up your boundaries:

1. Identify where you need to set or adapt boundaries.

If boundaries are the distance at which you can love yourself and the other person simultaneously, where is this missing for you? For this exercise, let’s use the word “love” not in a romantic sense, but a human one – that point at which you can fully love and accept the humanness of yourself, and fully acknowledge and respect the humanness of the other person.

2. Accept the reality of the situation.

You may think, “If I just change this or that, if I just do a little more, if I just do this one thing…” Or you might think, “If they just change this or that …”

In a healthy relationship – personal or professional – no one should have to compromise their values, overextend themselves, put up a false front, or employ any other inauthentic tactic to make things work. That isn’t love, acceptance, or respect. Accept what is and what isn’t.

3. Let go of what they can’t give you.

You could spend your whole life trying to get approval and acceptance from others and never get it. Trust me, I did this a lot. I depleted myself again and again to keep the peace or to gain love. It only ever ended in me burning out.

Whatever you fear losing – that person or their love – face it. Burn those limiting feelings if you have to. Just let it go.

4. Prepare for resistance.

Change can be difficult. The person you’re setting boundaries with may resist the change at first. Prepare yourself to handle this with compassion, but also with confidence and consistency in holding the boundaries you need.

With toxic people, they will likely react negatively. Your boundaries prevent them from continuing on as they want to. That is not your wound to heal.

Remember our definition of boundaries. No part of that says that the other person has to love you. That’s not something you can control. Find the place where you can love yourself and see the humanity of the other person, then stand firm in that place. Where they choose to stand is outside your circle of control and responsibility.

5. Remind yourself of why you’re doing this.

When someone reacts poorly to our boundaries, we’re often tempted to revert back to pre-boundary terms. This is normal. Remind yourself why you started this journey, and that you cannot change others, only yourself. Talk it through with your support person. You need to stick with your new boundaries and having people to support you is essential.

6. Stay alert to red flags.

The person you’re setting boundaries with might try to guilt trip you, call you selfish or inconsiderate, play themselves as victims, gaslight you… They know how to make you feel guilty and how to break down your confidence. They will play on that to try to maintain the status quo.

Be aware of these tactics, stay alert to them, and don’t engage with them.

7. Be conscious of levels of awareness.

When you choose to be intentional about setting healthy boundaries, you’re choosing to act from your highest level of awareness. The person you’re setting boundaries with may be operating from a lower level. In showing up at a higher level, they may be inspired to bring themselves up as well. Or not. It isn’t your responsibility (or within your power) to bring them up. Be open to them rising, but stay firm in not getting pulled down.

8. Always remember that if you want something different, you need to do something different.

Whether setting boundaries is new for you, or you’re adapting boundaries to work in your new reality, changing the way you show up is how you create change in your life. Healthy, intentional, conscious boundaries are one of the most important parts of putting self-acceptance into action; of truly becoming the CEO of your life.

9. If you are a parent, healthy boundaries matter x2.

Setting healthy boundaries with others sets a solid example for your children. Setting healthy boundaries with your children teaches them that boundaries are part of love, not a limit to love. This means also respecting your child’s boundaries. As parents, we can do this by aiming to be their guide, not their dictator. Let them explore, discover and build a solid sense of self. Let them say no. Let them make choices. Show them that boundaries are meant to be respected in a loving relationship by respecting theirs. Of course we can’t let them play in traffic, never take a bath, or forego school, but there are so many boundaries we can respect.

10. Start small.

Some people are so eager for change that they start setting all their boundaries at once and the situation gets crazy. From my experience, both personally and in working with coachees, I recommend setting (or adapting) 1-2 boundaries at a time, before gradually adding more. Give the other person time to swallow and adjust, and yourself the time and clarity to be really intentional in holding your boundaries respectfully.

Yes, it can suck not to do it all at once, and that is the cost of not having set them sooner. Moving forward, remember that this is why it’s so important to have authentic conversations when situations arise. Doing so naturally builds healthy boundaries into the relationship so that there isn’t a jarring or burnout situation down the road.

11. Be mindful of your words.

The way you say it is really important in establishing boundaries. If you are lashing out, for sure that will get a negative reaction. Speak from a heart of peace, not a heart of war (taken from the book, The Anatomy of Peace).

Choose to see the humanity on the other side – a person with needs, wants, fears, desires and struggles just like you. Get curious about what is going on with them. Even if you are “at war”, you can show up with compassion. When you do so, others are more likely to treat you the same way, increasing the likelihood of peace.

12. Know the difference between compassion and capitulation.

Having compassion for someone else’s discomfort is not the same as giving in. Here’s an example of the difference when someone resists your boundaries:

Capitulation: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Maybe we can find a compromise.”

Compassion: “This is hard. I can see you’re upset and I get it. Change can be difficult. This boundary is important for me and I need to stand firm.”

See the difference? Healthy boundaries – the ones we need in order to love ourselves fully – cannot be up for negotiation. Your happiness can’t depend on anyone else’s choices, just as someone else’s happiness can’t depend on yours. Compassion is acknowledging and accepting another person’s discomfort, not taking responsibility for it.

Let’s face it. If setting healthy boundaries were easy, we wouldn’t be facing the burnout epidemic that was rising long before we’d ever heard of Covid. It’s hard, and many of us simply weren’t raised to have confidence in our own inner experience. This isn’t necessarily a failing of previous generations, but an evolution in our understanding of what children need to become healthy adults.

As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better::, do better.”

Be the person today that your child-self needed. Be that person for yourself and for those around you. This is how we create better lives for ourselves that ripple out into a better world. With the pandemic, we have the choice not to “go back to normal” but instead to create an even better normal. So now that we know better for ourselves, let’s do better for ourselves.

If you need help getting clear on your boundaries and putting them in place – either personally or professionally – please connect with me. Let’s make this happen.

Additional resource: 10 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

How Authentic Are Your Business Conversations?

September 25, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Business Coaching, Career Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Heart Based Business Coaching, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Something I hear over and over again from different clients is that they keep leaving business conversations without having said what they really wanted to say, without getting the answers they needed to move forward, and without getting commitments to put things into action.

This is a struggle I know well – not just because a huge part of coaching focuses on having better conversations, but because I lived that struggle for many years myself.

So… why do so many of us struggle to get anything meaningful out of conversations?

I’ve worked with people all over the world, and this struggle seems to transcend culture. Across the globe, people are afraid to speak what is on their mind. They are afraid to have authentic business conversations either because they fear the other person’s reaction or opinion, fear being rejected or their ideas not being important, or they fear the other person’s position and how they might handle the information.

The bottom line is fear. And let me tell you, fear is a powerful feeling.

But, let me ask you… how authentic are your business conversations? How much do you leave unsaid? How is that serving you?

The Co-Active Training Institute says, “A leader is one who is responsible for their world.”

As someone who is responsible for their world, you have it within your control to change the course of your conversations. You have the capability to enter conversations with authenticity and leave them feeling more fulfilled.

How can you do that? It’s all in how you choose to show up.

Here are 14 ways you can optimize how you show up in order to create authentic business conversations that genuinely move things forward:

1. Take control of your mindset and attitude going into the conversation.

You feel like every conversation you have goes the same way. So why assume the next one will be any different? Well, one thing that absolutely can be different is the mindset and attitude you adopt going in.

Connect with your higher self, the Universe, your purpose before going into the conversation. Connect with your values.

Set the intention to speak from your heart and with the utmost respect.

Look for the connection point and latch onto that. Even if there is just 1% you like or respect in the other person, focus on that 1%. What you focus on, expands. It’s where growth happens.

Don’t go in as a tyrant. Make a commitment, here and now, to abandon the “I am right, you are wrong” mindset. Go in with curiosity, treating the other person as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, with the mindset that perhaps they can contribute to the situation something that you can’t.

Attitude is everything. You are responsible for the energy you bring into the conversation. Don’t be toxic or attempt to make someone feel powerless or in the wrong. Go into it with the intention to resolve, not win.

2. Own your part of it.

As Fred Kofman, PhD, Google’s leadership development advisor, and author of the book Conscious Business says, “Our goal is to explore each other’s reasoning, to understand why we think what we think. We need to assume that we have contributed to the current situation and explore our role in it.”

Yes, it might be hard to admit, and you might not see it right away, but you have contributed to the situation in some way. The sooner you are ready to see and accept that, the sooner you can open up a new way of looking at the situation and new possibilities can emerge.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about responsibility. Blame lives in the past. Responsibility strives to move forward.

3. Know your BATNA.

“How do I feel about this? What is important to me? In a perfect world, what would my ideal end result look like? What am I willing to settle for?”

This is your BATNA, or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.

Get clear on your best alternative before going in. By knowing your BATNA beforehand, you are able to go in with clarity on what you will or will not agree to.

When we leave a conversation feeling that nothing was accomplished or that we compromised on something we shouldn’t have, it’s usually because we lacked this clarity.

When you are confident in your BATNA in advance, you know where you need to stand firm and are free to be flexible in other areas.

4. Explore the other side; be curious!

Truly listen. Summarize what was said. Acknowledge their concerns. Confirm and validate them. Show empathy and convey that you care.

Always talk from your heart. “I hear you… I respect you… your demands are reasonable… here is what is happening and what is possible at this moment… “

Above all, stay curious. When someone speaks, assume you have no idea what they’re about to say (instead of assuming you know exactly what they’ll say, which so many do out of habit) and truly listen.

5. Practice “level 3 listening”.

Listening is more than just hearing words. It’s about building connection.

Level 1 listening is extremely common. This is where we’re maybe hearing the words of the other person, but our main focus is on our own opinions, judgements, what we’ll say next and so on.

At level 2, we turn our focus onto the other person more fully, hearing not just their words, but also noticing their body language, tone of voice, energy, direction of their gaze, everything.

At level 3, we’re still tuned into all the level 2 listening cues, but we now add in our intuition and mirror back what we’re seeing, hearing and intuiting. All without judgement or investment in the outcome – purely from a curiosity mindset. That may sound something like this: “I hear your concerns and I see where you’re coming from. I feel like you’re holding back something you want to say. What’s up?”

It’s a really strong skill that helps people open up and be themselves. Even if they aren’t ready to open up, having you show up in that way helps them feel seen and truly heard, which is where true connection is formed and progress can begin.

6. Ask powerful questions to start excavating.

Imagine yourself as a conversational archeologist. You want to uncover what’s way beneath the surface but to do that, you have to gently start clearing away what’s at the surface. You can do this by asking open questions that really get people thinking.

You might try questions like, “What is most important to you? What does that look like to you? If you could have any role, what would that be?”

Ask questions to get the person thinking about what is going on and what they want to create, not to just repeat stories they can tell to anyone. Amazing things can surface in this way.

7. Do your part and initiate the authenticity.

Whether the other person is being authentic or not, choose to take responsibility for your part and be authentic. It’s very common that we tend to move ourselves to the level of the person we’re interacting with. Instead of being the one doing the moving, harness that phenomenon by being the one to set the tone of authenticity. This keeps you at your highest level and gives the other person the opening to rise to your level. Whether or not they take that opening is up to them.

Committing to the level of authenticity brings good karma as you are treating people the way you would like to be treated. It isn’t easy to be authentic, but what is the cost of not being authentic? If we don’t speak our truth, we stay in the same place. Don’t let that be an option.

Either the person or the issue is important to you. Do your part by speaking up.

Remember, leaders have opinions. Bring energy to your point and don’t let it get shut down. Yes, in previous tips I’ve encouraged you to acknowledge and accept the other person’s point of view. But acceptance is not acquiescence! It’s respecting the diversity of perspectives and experiences, and being open to alternative points of view. It does not mean compromising your values.

You can impact the energy in a conversation. Choose to be a leader in the conversation rather than a victim.

8. Be mindful of the words you say (and don’t say).

Speak from your point of view using open ended phrases. For example, try “The way I see it… The way I feel…” and so on vs. “We should do this… This is how it is going to be…” You want to co-create, not dictate.

Avoid attacking, blaming or taking a superior tone. Treat others as equal co-creators and believe that they truly can be equal co-creators.

Avoid phrases like, “You did this,” or “You should… ”. These phrases are loaded with judgment – intended or not – and tend to put people on the defensive.

Instead, try phrases like, “I would like…”, “It would help if…” or “I feel we would both benefit from…”

Don’t punish by withdrawing if you don’t get what you want. Remember that this is about resolving the problem to everyone’s benefit. Stay open. Keep asking, “What else is possible?” Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It might be uncomfortable speaking authentically, but better to be uncomfortable than to hold in anger and resentment, which will only spill over into other areas of your life. As Brene Brown, American professor, lecturer, author and podcast host says, “Discomfort over resentment.”

9. Bring out the left-hand column.

What’s the left-hand column? The LHC (or left-hand column) refers to everything going on in your head during a conversation that you choose NOT to share.

We hold back our LHC either because it’s toxic, (“Is this person crazy? Are they smoking something?”), or it could be gratitude and admiration you hold back because it’s uncomfortable, or maybe you don’t feel comfortable sharing your unique thoughts out of fear (“What will people think? What if I upset someone?”).

Try this:

Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of it.
In the right-hand column, write out a conversation you recently had with someone.
In the left-hand column, write out what you wanted to say at each step of the conversation, but you did not say, or what you were thinking or feeling during the conversation, but kept to yourself.

When we do this exercise, that LHC often comes out a lot longer than the right hand column. In an authentic conversation, however, that LHC would significantly decrease.

If you have a lengthy LHC, chances are high the other person does too. Start being open about yours in a professional way and chances are you will open up the space for the other person to be upfront about theirs as well. So much more is possible from this place!

Going into a meeting, be aware of what might be on your LHC ahead of time and set the intention to try to bring as much of that forward as possible. How would sharing your LHC impact the conversation, your relationship, or how you feel in the conversation? What is the impact of not sharing it?

There are facts, feelings, expectations and assumptions we each have that the other person might not be aware of, which will contribute to a better conversation.

Acknowledge the LHC. Make room for it at the table, whether it’s in a one-on-one conversation, with your team, or even your family.

Of course, some things should stay on the LHC. I’ve yet to ask someone, mid-conversation, “Are you smoking something??” And I think I’ll keep it that way ;)

10. Choose how you will respond.

If you get triggered, notice where you are triggered. It’s an indication of what you need to heal and not necessarily connected to the moment. This is where respond vs. react comes into play. When we aren’t fully aware of our triggers and their source, we’re more likely to react when something comes up. When we have that awareness, we’re able to interact responsively, rather than reactively.

Be alert to what makes you shut down and what makes you open up so that you can be intentional in choosing how you will respond.

11. Align around a common purpose.

“Are our values aligned? Is there a common purpose? Is there a mutually beneficial agreement?”

A common purpose gives people something to continually work towards, together. It can also move conversations away from battleground-style conditions and towards an “us together” mindset where co-creation is possible.

Keep aligning on what you can agree on and grow from there.

12. Check in on how others are feeling during the conversation.

It’s important to acknowledge others’ feelings as it helps you have more authentic conversations and assures the people you’re connecting with that they are a valued part of this interaction.

Ask questions like: “How do you feel about what I said? What comes up when I say that? How do you see things? Have I addressed your concerns?”

13. Keep in mind where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.

There really is so much within our control and a great deal of responsibility that we can take on in a progressive way. However, it’s equally important to be aware of those boundaries where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. That’s as much about caring for yourself as it is about respecting another person’s areas of self-authority, regardless of what they choose to do with them.

For instance, if someone is dead set on getting a deliverable from you, but delivering on that date would mean compromising a higher priority item, say something like: “If I don’t get this high priority item out, what will I say during my presentation to the team? I will have nothing to report and our schedule will be off track.”

Put yourself in their shoes and understand their concern (remember, acceptance and acknowledgement are not acquiescence). Remind them of the priorities of the organization as a whole and where you have to put your efforts and priorities to align with those of the organization. As for their deadlines, have compassion for them and encourage them to have authentic conversations with their teams as to why certain things can’t be met at certain deadlines and what is possible instead.

For many of us, maintaining these clear boundaries can bring feelings of guilt. That’s a trigger that needs your inward exploration, not your external capitulation. When you make decisions that align with organizational priorities, personal values, a common purpose, etc., someone may feel let down in the moment, but that feeling is theirs to explore. Ultimately, you have done the opposite of let anyone down. You’ve embraced the discomfort necessary to continually move in the right direction. That’s leadership.

14. Don’t leave the conversation without moving forward.

Try not to let a conversation end until:

You have fully expressed your thoughts;
You’ve gained needed clarity on a situation;
Your questions have been answered, or commitments (with a set date) have been made to follow up with answers;
Or next steps have been determined.

Never leave a conversation without feeling it has moved forward in some way. If there is a time constraint, set a firm date and time for when you’ll pick the conversation up again.

When you are not authentic, people feel it, instinctively. And it backfires. When you are being you, you shine. You are happier and freer. You are also more productive, most likely because it’s exhausting trying to keep up being someone that is not authentically you. When you choose to sit in discomfort rather than leave things to fester, you are actively doing the hard work of leadership. When you take down the walls, the LHCs, you become energized. People around you feel more comfortable and inspired to do the same.

Just imagine what a company full of authentic, engaged, openly communicating employees can achieve!

Authenticity always brings more authenticity and can shift any situation or conversation. Choose to set that tone.

If you need some coaching around having better conversations at work or in your personal life to help move you forward, connect with me.

How to Refresh the Energy of Your Space

August 14, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

Tell me… have you ever felt like the energy in your space needed a refresh?

Maybe it’s your home, workplace, a community gathering place, or even a single room.

Sometimes the energy just feels stagnant. Even when you work really hard at being intentional in your impact and bringing the best of yourself forward, you still feel it in your mind, body and spirit… something isn’t right!

You may notice this stagnant energy in yourself or the people around you (or both) and it definitely seems to be connected to a particular space.

What if I told you that the energy in a physical space really can become stagnant, and that there is a way to clear out that stale energy while calling in fresh, positive energy that infuses the space – and the people who move within it – with a renewed sense of possibility?

What is smudging?

Smudging is the practice of burning organic elements to cleanse the energy of a space, opening it up to the positive elements we want to draw in.

Smudging is practiced across different cultures and traditions around the world and throughout human history. The general idea is that the smoke acts to cleanse the negative or stagnant energies of a space, while the person performing the ritual invites positive energies into the newly cleared environment.

However, there’s more to the ritual than just burning a bunch of leaves. From start to finish – from the moment you begin gathering materials, to the moment you’re putting them away – each step is meaningful and meant to be carried out with deep intention.

Why smudge?

Smudging is like bringing a new beginning into a space. As you go, you visualize anything negative or stagnant being chased out of every little pocket of the room, opening the space up for good things to come in.

Smudging can be done:

Whenever you feel a space needs to be refreshed
When you move into a new home or office space
As a seasonal ritual to clear out the old and welcome in the new
When you notice a lag in energy within a space
When you’ve had a recent change or upheaval such as a break up, a job change, an argument with a loved one, a setback at work and so on

In fact, with the ongoing pandemic, you may find that energy is becoming stagnant in your home, office or both on a regular basis!

There are many reasons to smudge. Some people even do it during or after an illness. Much like opening a window to refresh the air, smudging opens an energetic window to refresh the energy. Depending on the organic materials you use, there can be many additional benefits beyond energy. Sage, for example, is a commonly used smudging herb and has been shown to reduce bacteria in the air, reduce stress and anxiety, help you better connect with your intuition and even repel bugs. My personal favourite is palo santo sticks. The scent is light and fresh and is believed to promote creativity while calming the nervous system, making it ideal in many areas of life, especially in workspaces.

Smudging may be totally your thing, or you may be thinking… “You want me to do what?”

If you’re in the latter group, that’s ok. Some things will work for us, others won’t and it’s part of our journey to discover how we best navigate the world. I will ask you to open your mind for a moment though and just consider the possibilities. After all, if you want something different in life, it starts with doing something different ;)

How to Perform a Smudging Ceremony

What you’ll need:

What do you need for a smudging Ceremony?

Palo santo sticks, bundled cedar clippings, bundled dried sage, or other bundled herbs (all nature is considered sacred and different herbs and plants can be used for smudging – there’s a great list here of the meaning, benefits and purpose behind different smudging materials)
Candle with safe and stable holder
Matches or lighter
Ceramic bowl or other heat proof container filled with sand (for extinguishing the herbs or stick)
Fireproof dish such as a shell (abalone shells are a traditional choice) or small clay pot or bowl (you’ll use this to hold under your burning herbs or sticks to catch any falling ashes)

Your materials should be stored together respectfully and only used for smudging ceremonies. For example, you should ideally have a pack of matches and a candle that are just for smudging.

Getting started:

How to perform a smudging ceremony?

Prepare yourself and your environment. Make sure there are no distractions and that you’ve set aside enough time to perform the ritual fully, without rushing. Prepare yourself through meditation, deep breathing, or playing calming music. Think about your intention for the ceremony and try to clear everything else out of your mind.
Take your time to gather and set out your materials, beginning at the main entrance of the room or building. If you’re smudging a whole building or multi-leveled unit, start with the main entrance of the main floor. Remember that each step is a meaningful part of the ceremony and should be done with reverence and intention. This includes gathering and setting out each item.
Call in your higher power (for you this may mean God, guides, the Universe, angels, power animals… whatever you connect best with) to be with you while you perform this ritual.
Light the candle with your matches or lighter and let the candle burn for about a minute. Then use the candle to light the end of your dried herb bundle or palo santo stick. You may need to occasionally relight it as you go along, so keep the candle lit (in a safe space and holder, of course) and easily accessible.
Start with yourself, moving the stick or leaves safely around your body, clearing any negative energy that may be clinging to you. Start with underneath your feet, bring the stick or herbs up over both legs, swirling it in clockwise circles while moving up. Bring it over your torso, then stretch out your arms, moving it along each arm, up your head and finally, a little over the crown of your head. Then move to the main entrance of the building or room. Always hold your shell or fireproof dish under the herbs or stick to catch any falling ash.
Work in a clockwise direction, ensuring the smoke reaches every nook and cranny – corners of walls and ceilings, bookshelf corners, kitchen cabinets, light fixtures, closets, those spaces between walls and appliances, the space behind your television – every single corner!
What about stairs? If you are only smudging the room, go up or down the stairs when you reach them, then back again, smudging as you go, and resume your clockwise journey. If you’re smudging the whole building, go up the stairs when you reach them and smudge the next level in a clockwise direction. When you get back to the stairs, travel back up or down them and continue your clockwise journey around the main floor.
As you smudge the space, be present with your intention for the ritual. Either out loud, or silently in your mind, invite in the positive energy you want to bring. It may be peace, healing, generosity, harmony, creativity, abundance… whatever you envision for the space and the people who occupy it. Many traditional practitioners recite a prayer or chant as they go. That may work for you, or you can simply hold your intention in your body, mind and spirit as you go along.
When you arrive back at your starting point, carefully smudge yourself again to clear off any negative energies you might have taken on during the process, then take a moment to visualize the space being filled with the positive energy you’ve invited in. You may see that energy as a particular colour or as a glowing light. However you visualize it, hold that image in your mind and repeat your intention into the space.
To end the ceremony, extinguish your herbs or stick in the bowl of sand, or you may want to leave it in the shell or fireproof dish to extinguish on its own. If you do, make sure not to leave it unattended. As the herbs or stick are extinguished, thank your higher powers for accompanying you in this ritual.
When the herbs or sticks have fully extinguished, choose a spot outside to bury them along with any ashes that you collected along the way. I like to bury them in a garden or some area of lush growth, signifying good things growing out of challenges.
Finally, take as much care in packing away and storing your materials as you did in setting them out.

Whenever we want to change something in our lives, invite in something new, or give ourselves a fresh start, it can be really powerful to try something outside our own personal box. Anytime we try something new, we open our minds up to new ways of thinking and new possibilities in the environment around us.

Smudging is a great way to clear out the negative and invite in the positive, but it only works if we are clear in our intentions and what we want to create. If that’s something you struggle with and would like help refreshing your energy or the energy of your leaders, team or organization, I invite you to connect with me to discuss the many possibilities open to you, of which smudging is just one. My approach is to work collaboratively, creating solutions and practices that work with the individual or group, including conscious leadership tools, high performance team building strategies, effective communication guidance and so on.

5 Ways to Lead Through Chaos and Uncertainty

July 30, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Career Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership/by Melissa Dawn

Tell me… do you ever feel like you’re a spectator in your own life? Or like things are just happening around you while you can only watch, wait and scramble to keep up?

What if I told you this was because you aren’t tuning into your WHOLE self?

Let me backtrack for a moment. Let’s start with the brain. Most of us think of our brain as that wrinkly grey mass in our heads that does all our thinking. But the brain is just one part of your overall nervous system. And that whole system is complex, knowledgeable and full of information for you!

Your nervous system reaches every corner of your body and behaves in ways we’re only just starting to understand. In fact, it was just 10 years ago that scientists discovered cells in the gut that could send messages to your brain in 100 milliseconds!

Here’s what we know: our entire bodies are collecting information about the world around us every second of every day.

So… why do we put so much energy into ignoring it?

So many of us focus on what we can think through, logically, inside that grey matter, and push away the wealth of information our bodies are trying to give us. For a lot of people, we’ve been conditioned throughout our lives to hone in on our logic, pushing everything else aside.

We ignore gut feelings, shake off that prickly feeling on the back of our necks, use deprecating language for our intuition such as “nagging doubt”, “cold feet” or “nervous tummy”.

When I say we aren’t tuning into our whole selves, what I mean is that we aren’t taking advantage of all the information being registered throughout our bodies – our full nervous systems – making it difficult to clearly see our own big picture.

This is why you feel like a spectator.

When you watch a movie, you only see what the camera shows you. When you only view the world through your logical brain, you’re missing the bigger picture your whole brain is trying to show you.

That’s why you feel disconnected. It’s why you keep making the same choices over and over again. It’s why you can’t seem to get out of your rut. It’s why times of chaos and uncertainty can throw you so out of whack.

Learning to lead through chaos and uncertainty (especially during a chaotically uncertain time like now) is a powerful way of not only thriving through the chaos, but also to start tapping into your whole self- your full experience of the world around you.

Here are 5 Ways to Lead Through Chaos and Uncertainty:

1 – Start from you.

Mastering leadership starts with mastering leadership of yourself.

Tune into your inner experience and face it – fully. What you refuse to face ends up running your life, instead of you being firmly in that CEO seat.

When you tap into the wholeness of your inner experience, you’re able to see more clearly where you are in the moment and the next best steps forward. You’re able to make decisions that move you in the direction you want to go, be intentional in your impact, and approach chaos and uncertainty from a responsive – not reactive – mindset.

The more you work on yourself, the more you can then support others. Tune into what scares you, angers you, is coming up for you.

2 – Mindset.

Fred Kofman, leadership development advisor for Google and founder of the Conscious Business Center International, has a great approach to mindset. Instead of saying, “Oh shit”, he suggests, “Oh fertilizer!”

It’s a victim vs. player mentality. Instead of saying, “Oh shit, why is this happening to me?” Try, “Oh fertilizer! How can this make me grow?”

In times of chaos, “Oh shit” mentality is common and even understandable. The problem is that it gets you stuck in a mindset of things just happening to you and you can’t do anything about it. By continually asking yourself – in chaotic times and peaceful ones – how you can grow from what’s happening, you keep yourself in a mindset of forward, positive movement.

3 – Create from whatever is happening.

Singing opera on balconies, playing tennis through windows, doing Zumba on rooftops… if the current pandemic has taught us anything it’s that humanity is bursting with creativity.

One awesome leader, noticing her team seemed unmotivated and lethargic on their weekly Zoom status call, made a simple, but powerful change. They now hold a weekly “walking meeting” with no video, just voice. Although the 5 team members are dispersed between 3 countries, they all take a walk together on their headsets to share how they’re doing and any setbacks they’ve encountered. The result has been higher energy, a greater sense of connection and stronger engagement within the team!

Keep asking, “What else is possible?” Even tiny steps outside the box can create meaningful results.

4 – Embrace aggressive transparency.

People remember how you respond or do not respond. Show that you put people first, even when the path is difficult, not just when it’s easy.

Acknowledge updates immediately. Get on a group call and bring it out in the open. Don’t let anything fester.

If you don’t know the answer to something, or you’re feeling anxious, or you’ve noticed a problem within the team, but don’t have a ready solution… bring it out anyway! As humans, we are so perceptive. Even if we can’t clearly identify “he’s scared of something” or “she’s holding back”, we notice changes in mood, energy, tone of voice and so on.

When you can name something, you take away its power. Be fully transparent.

5 – Tune into your body.

We often think about the brain sending information to the body. But it’s actually more of a two-way street with our bodies sending about 11 million pieces of information per second to our brains for processing. What’s more, certain parts of our bodies have larger clusters of neurons sending even more information. The heart, for example, has about 40,000 neurons and sends more information to the brain than the brain sends to the heart! In the video linked above, the HeartMath Institute explains that our emotional experiences are reflected in our heart rhythms, which send information to the emotional center of the brain, and can come out as feelings of joy, anger, fear, and so on. And that’s just one example of how what’s happening in your body can (and does!) impact how you show up.

Whether it’s your heart, your gut, or some other part of your body, your body is speaking to you, and a critical part of self-leadership is tapping into its messages. The problem is, while your body may be sending millions of bits of information, the human brain is only capable of consciously processing a few dozen of those bits. So, when it comes to noticing your body’s messages and understanding how to use them in partnership with your logical brain, tuning in with intention is critical.

The wisdom in your body is your bridge to life around you, and living in your head cuts you off from that wisdom. When you tune into your body, you’re able to feel your next best move; to show up with authenticity, leading from the best parts of yourself, and face your own anxieties with vulnerability and courage; and to fully appreciate and accept the humanity in yourself and those around you, giving you a huge advantage in understanding – intuitively – how best to help put others at ease, recognize and encourage their strengths, and inspire them towards a path of continuous personal and professional growth.

How do you tune into your body? A regular meditation practice strengthens your mind-body connection, which primes you to tune into your body as you go about your day. You can also set reminders for yourself to count to 5. Just 5 seconds of deep, intentional breathing can turn your mind inward, empowering a meaningful moment of connection.

There’s no question this is an uncertain time. The way we show up now will have an impact way beyond this crisis.

Interested in further leadership coaching? A leadership coach helps you tap into your whole body to understand and integrate the messages coming in. They act as a sounding board, help you see your blind spots, where you might be stuck hold you accountable for taking real steps forward, and teach you powerful leadership tools to help you create from everything around you. Even chaos. Connect with me to discuss the possibilities.

How you show up will ALWAYS matter!

July 13, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Workshops to succeed during COVID-19 and beyond.

Tell me… are you struggling with the current situation? If you’re like me, one of the many challenges is feeling like you can’t (or shouldn’t) plan for the future.

With so many unknowns and so much change and unrest to address in the present, it can seem like planning for the future is just not an option.

That can amplify stress and anxiety because at the heart of planning ahead is… hope.

As a leader, manager, business owner, or leader within (someone who may not be a leader in title, but feels the call to lead through example, compassion, courage and clarity), how do you address the difficult feelings in those around you? How can you thrive during the current pandemic, while also engaging in hope-driving future planning?

My 3 upcoming workshops (hosted online), in partnership with Concordia University, have been created to do just that. These powerful workshops are designed to help businesses, teams and individuals establish new habits that both address current struggles and ignite cultural shifts within teams and organizations that will continue to serve you in years to come.

Creating Engagement in a Time of Crisis

Upcoming dates:

Jul. 20, 2020 – 8:30AM – 12:00PM EST
Aug. 13, 2020 – 8:30AM – 12:00PM EST

Engagement is at the core of employee productivity, motivation, retention, innovation and so much more. It’s often what sets A-players apart and what can transform a good-enough team or organization into an amazing one.

Now is the time

to rethink how you drive engagement because your approach will drastically impact success right now, and take your entire organization to higher and higher levels for years to come.

Check out the workshop details for dates and to learn more about the unique challenges and opportunities of creating engagement during a crisis.

Vulnerability and Courage in the Workplace

Upcoming dates:

Jul. 22, 2020 – 8:30AM – 12:00PM EST
Aug. 21, 2020 – 8:30AM – 12:00PM EST

To be vulnerable at work… sound scary? Maybe even counterproductive or distracting, especially at a time like this?

Being vulnerable in a professional setting can take many forms, but at the core is the ability to have the difficult conversations that need to be had. This is an invaluable skill at any time, but especially during times of crisis or uncertainty when open, honest conversations, led by empathy and courage, can drive engagement on a deep and powerful level.

This workshop will guide you on how to embrace professional vulnerability as a path to creating accountability, bringing out your own unique strengths and those of others, embracing a growth mindset, and redirecting energy away from limiting thoughts and towards creating amazing things for yourself and your organization.

Check out the workshop details for dates and to learn more about what it means to embrace vulnerability and courage for professional success.

Creating Human Connection While Working from Home

Upcoming dates:

Aug. 3, 2020 – 8:30AM to 12:00PM EST

Whether remote work has long been part of your organizational structure, or you’ve been thrust into a new routine due to the pandemic, one thing is for sure: human connection matters!

Working from home can leave people feel disconnected and unmotivated, and can make productive collaboration seem even more challenging. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

One positive to come from all this is a huge boost in people finding innovative ways to connect and we can build on that to create organizational cultures that thrive, regardless of physical distance. This workshop will guide you on how to create connection among your team and within yourself to continuously take yourself and those around you to new heights.

Check out the workshop details for dates and to learn more about what it means to create connection when working from home.

There’s no question that we’re in uncharted waters right now and we don’t know for sure what the future holds. What we do know is that how we show up, and the connections we make will continue to matter in huge ways.

When you invest in strengthening yourself, your employees and/or your organizational culture, you invest in creating something that will not only see you through the challenging times, but will also empower you to emerge from them stronger than before and strategically positioned to reach new levels of success.

If you’re interested in any of the workshops for yourself, your team or your organization, please click the links above to check dates and register, or connect with me to learn more about thriving through pandemic and beyond, or how workshops can be customized for your organization.

Driving Organizational Change With Internal Coaching Programs

June 11, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Business Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Heart Based Business Coaching, Human Resources, Leadership, Life Coaching, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Whether in sports or business, a coach’s role is to bring out the best in others, guide them to where their strengths create the greatest impact, and provide them with tools and strategies to continually reach greater heights. Because of this, an internal company coaching program has the power to drive real change within your organization.

The greatest strength of any organization is its people. The problem is, few people are bringing their whole selves into their work and leadership. This isn’t a failing of individuals, but rather a habit of society. We have this idea that we need to split into a “work self” and “home self”. That’s great for dressing appropriately, using business etiquette and so on, but terrible for our creativity, passion, ingenuity, problem-solving, relationship building, and all those great qualities of A-players.

A strong organizational coaching program works to strengthen your organization by strengthening the people within it, growing within them the tools to bring their best selves forward in all aspects of work and life.

What is an Organizational Coaching Program?

It’s a coaching program that focuses on broad organizational objectives, major transitions, culture shifts, developing leadership, increasing engagement and retention, or any other goal or challenge that impacts the overall business. Coaches work with both individuals and groups within the business to continually align efforts and decisions with the overall goal.

Some organizations may hire full time coaches, train existing leaders to function as coaches, or partner with an external coaching service like one of these to design and run their program. In some cases, an external coaching service will come in to run the program initially, but part of that effort will be to create a coaching culture and train leaders to take over and drive the coaching program long term.

What are the Benefits to Companies with Internal Coaching Programs?

The core of all coaching – life, leadership, executive, team performance and so on – is growth.

It’s about getting full clarity into where you are right now, uncovering strengths, talents and passions, getting real about challenges and roadblocks, and creating a vision of what you want to achieve. Once that’s in place, a strong coaching program focuses on taking real steps, every single day, towards breaking down barriers, bringing those uncovered strengths forward, and moving consistently towards that big picture vision. A good coach will act as your soundboard, helping point out blind spots and gain clarity on the next best steps. They will act as your guide and also hold you accountable for putting each step into action.

That’s how real growth happens, whether on an individual or an organizational level. In fact, the best coaching programs recognize that this growth must happen on BOTH an individual and organizational level, since it’s the individuals – the people – who actually drive change.

With that in mind, here are some of the benefits that companies with life coach programs, leadership coach programs, or other types of internal coaching programs may experience:

Increased employee engagement
Increased retention rates
Ability to bring out the full strength of every person’s unique talents
Stronger collaboration among team members
More responsive – rather than reactive – leadership
Sense of shared purpose in working towards objectives
More effective decision-making tools
People feel empowered to accept accountability
Development of high potential talent
Uncovers previously unknown blindspots
Greater creativity and motivation in identifying solutions
Ability to solve behavioural issues and conflicts at their core
Creates cultures of trust, respect and openness
Drastically improves relationships at all levels
Employees that value self-awareness, taking full responsibility for how they show up and how they can bring their best selves forward
Greater leadership adaptability and agility in dealing with constant change
A collective focus on co-creation and thinking in innovative ways
Enhanced communication skills, particularly in navigating difficult situations
The ability to build and maintain successful teams that inspires trust
Leaders who understand how to positively influence strategy and decision making while staying true to their leadership values and who they are
Cultures of growth mindset that stay open up to new possibilities and new ways of being
Employees and leaders that know how to fuel their energy tanks in positive ways

Coaching is an incredibly hands-on approach to driving change. By developing an internal program, organizations give themselves a powerful edge in sustaining the momentum of change, ensuring measurements and analysis are continual, and that strategies are constantly tweaked to create sustainable growth.

What is a CTI Organizational Coaching Program?

“CTI” stands for Co-Active Training Institute (formerly the Coaches Training Institute). Major companies that have life coach programs or other types of coaching programs typically look for certified coaching programs when looking to partner with an external coaching service.

Within the coaching industry, the Co-Active Training Institute is considered one of the top training institutions and is accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF). Founded around 3 decades ago, it was one of the first coaching schools and has since published highly respected books including Co-Active Coaching and Co-Active Leadership. CTI not only trains and certifies coaches, but also provides leadership training programs.

One challenge within the coaching industry is that it is not (yet) a fully regulated industry, so there are a number of programs out there where someone can attend a single workshop and gain their “certification” as a coach.

CTI, however, designs intensive programs that take a huge commitment of time and effort, as well as hours in the field. Certifications from CTI are earned through performance. Simply attending the classes does not gain certification – a coach must pass stringent evaluations by top coaches and business leaders.

If you’re looking to partner with an external coaching service, look for one where coaches are held to these high standards. For example, if you go to the CEO of Your Life about page, you’ll see both the CTI and ICF logos, meaning CEO of Your Life is certified by both of these organizations.

How do I Start an Internal Coaching Program?

For most organizations, hiring an external organization is usually the best way to go. Many employees feel more comfortable talking with, and fully trusting, someone not directly employed by the organization they are in. It’s often easier to talk openly with someone who isn’t directly involved with the culture, objectives and day-to-day goings on of the business. Additionally, an external coach can be fully focused on coaching activities and not distracted by other roles and responsibilities, so that you can get the full benefits of a coaching program.

Coaching may be one of the most impactful investments your organization makes, so it’s important to choose a coach or coaching service that resonates with you and aligns with what you want to create for your organization.

Reach out to your professional network for recommendations. Read blog posts and articles by different coaches. Browse their social media pages. Spend some time on their websites. Once you’ve narrowed it down to a few, set up some initial calls to talk about your goals and challenges and see if how they respond feels right to you. If possible, make that first call a video call so you can get a better feel for their approach, and if it seems like a good fit for your organization.

At the time of this writing, we’re in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic and you may be wondering if getting a coaching program off the ground during a crisis is even possible. Not only is it possible, it can also help your organization emerge from this crisis even stronger than before.

Are You Leading From Your Highest Brain?

June 5, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

Did you know your brain has different parts? Of course, you probably know that your brain has different physical parts that all work together, but did you know that you can choose which “brain” to fuel and to work from?

I didn’t know about this concept until recently and I find it fascinating. For a long time, I’ve believed that we can choose to work from our highest selves or lowest selves, but when I learned about this concept of 4 different brain parts or levels, it really helped clarify this belief for me. I’ve since found that it also helps many of my clients better understand their own motivations and choices, and how they can take a truly conscious approach to their impact and leadership.

What are the 4 brains?

Brain 1 – The Reptilian Brain

This is our most basic and life-sustaining brain. It regulates critical body functions like breathing, body temperature, reflexes, blood pressure and so on. This is the part of the brain that keeps us alive when we’re first born and can’t make conscious decisions on our own. It compels our hearts to beat, our lungs to breathe, our mouths to feed, so that we can grow and thrive.
Brain 2 – The Mammalian Brain

This brain is just above our reptilian brain and is responsible for what, in evolutionary biology, is often referred to as “The 4 F’s”: fear (or sometimes fleeing), fighting, feeding and fornication… though some biologists will use an alternative F word for that last one ;) These are known as our primal drives. Interestingly, the mammalian brain is also where our emotions are held. Think about it. These primal drives are all about survival, so they need to be directly connected to feelings of anger, fear, joy and comfort. They need to worry about scarcity, hold onto grudges, and create intense feelings of avoidance related to negative experiences. It also needs to remember where we felt safe and well fed so we can retreat back. The mammalian brain doesn’t have time for logic. It leaps from trigger to panic mode to keep you alive.
Brain 3 – The Neocortex

This is where our creativity lies. Now, most people see the word “creativity” and think art. And yes, this is where we create music, beautiful pictures, invent stories and even look at a hunk of wood and imagine what we might carve it into. But, it is also where we work through mathematical problems, dream up science experiments, design business strategies, and work through complex challenges. Essentially, this is where we imagine possibilities. Where the mammalian brain might sense a threat, the neocortex steps in to say, “Yes, and look at everything that’s possible!” (You can probably guess that we’re into the higher brains now.)The neocortex is called “neo”, meaning “new”, because in evolutionary terms, it is a fairly new addition to the human brain. It’s what has allowed us to evolve beyond a more animalistic state into the incredibly complex creatures we are today.
Brain 4 – The Prefrontal Cortex

So, if the neocortex is highly evolved, the prefrontal cortex is even more so! This brain is responsible for what we call “executive functioning”. Basically, the prefrontal cortex empowers us to control our reflexive or reactionary impulses, allowing us to focus on big picture outcomes and long term goals. This is the brain we tap into when we take the time to assess situations and make decisions that align with what we want to create. It’s what stops us from lashing out in hurt or anger, so that we can communicate with compassion, courage and clarity. It’s what helps us keep a cool head in times of stress, avoiding short-sighted behaviours and knee-jerk reactions. This brain is also sometimes called the “God Brain” and it’s able to stay active during a state of enlightenment, meaning the more you consciously work from this brain, the more dominant it will become, even when you are not intentionally tapping into it.

As you can see, it’s only those two higher brains – the neocortex and prefrontal cortex – that allow us to imagine the future and work towards it. That’s why I like to call them “The Leadership Brain”. Yes, it’s from there that we can most effectively lead others, but most importantly, it’s from our “Leadership Brain” that we lead ourselves in all aspects of our lives – both personal and professional. This is the brain that we work from when we truly become the CEOs of our lives.

How do you tap into your higher brain for stronger leadership?

We’ve all been in situations where we felt overwhelmed, stressed out, angry or afraid and we reacted too quickly, making a choice that didn’t take us down a great path.

When we react this way, we’re allowing our lower brains to take the reins. But, leadership – whether of yourself or others – isn’t about survival. It’s about growth. It’s about holding a vision for yourself or your team and continually taking steps towards bringing that vision to life.

In leadership, we must make the conscious decision to work from our higher brains; our Leadership Brains. And it’s all about what you choose to fuel. Remember, what you feed is what grows. If you consciously and consistently feed into your higher functioning, you’ll start to see it become stronger and stronger, until it is the dominant player in your brain.

5 Ways to Fuel and Work From Your Leadership Brain

Create From Everything

Instead of asking yourself, “How do I fix this?” try asking, “How can I create from this?”

It sounds simple, but by re framing something from a problem (queue the mammalian brain) into an opportunity to create, you tap into that far more complex leadership brain of yours.

The key is to be intentional. Jumping into problem or crisis mode is an ingrained habit for most of us, so we need to be purposeful in changing that habit. Set the intention, for just one week, to approach every situation with the question, “How can I create from this?” When the week is up, reflect back on how your mindset and your impact changed. Then keep going!

If you’re wondering how you can possibly create from a major setback or conflict, I assure you that even in times of crisis, you can choose to create.
Process the Present

What’s happening in the moment can easily trigger your lower brain if you aren’t in the habit of bringing your leadership brain into the present.

Our lower brain is all about reacting – fast! It’s your basic survival setting. Mindfulness practices are all about bringing your higher brain into the present moment so that you can fully process what’s happening and respond with clarity. Here are 5 practices to help you process in the present for stronger leadership.
Yes, And…

“No, but…” “We tried that and it didn’t work…” “That’s not how we do things…” “There’s no time/money/space for that…”

We’ve all said these things ourselves or heard them from others. The impact they usually have is to stop the energy flow – the creativity, the collaboration, the open mindedness. It halts them in their tracks.

The “Yes, and” technique is taken from improv. It’s a rule that improv actors must respond to everything with some form of “Yes, and” in order to create from each other, keep the narrative flowing, and uncover possibilities.

The next time an idea comes up from a colleague, family member, roommate, friend, even your own inner voice, respond with “Yes, and” and see where it goes. You may not even know what you’re going to say after, but just let it flow! “No, but” almost always shuts things down. We know this. “Yes, and” keeps you, and everyone around you, in that creative, higher brain mindset where potential lives.
Take it One Step at a Time

Your leadership brain empowers you to visualize the future and to live in the moment. So, hold your vision for yourself and/or your team. Write these visions down, make vision boards, whatever feels right to you. Then bring yourself back to the moment and take it one step at a time.

If you’re like most people, you have a to-do list a mile long. Especially in challenging times, it’s natural for stress and anxiety about the future to seep in. Avoid the temptation to ruminate on that stress, which only feeds your lower brain. Just let the feelings come in, then let them go and ask yourself, “What’s my next best move?”

Take one step towards that big picture. Then another. And another. Create each new step from that third brain of yours. Then create the next. That’s how true change happens.
Feed Your Brain… Literally

As I’m writing this, we’re in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of us are working from home and feeling the effects of anxiety, isolation, drastic change and even grief.

It is so natural to gravitate towards sugary snacks. And guess who loves sugar? Our lower brains! Of course, we need some sugar to fuel our bodies, but there are plenty of nourishing foods to get it from. Too much sugar and our brains can even struggle to connect the different parts! Imagine if that calming, logical thinking prefrontal cortex couldn’t communicate with the survival-focused mammalian brain!

It may seem like an odd leadership tool, but eating in a way that nourishes you will fuel you in a deeply impactful way. Focus on healthy fats like avocados, fish, nuts and so on. Eat whole grains, plenty of fruits and vegetables and opt for water or herbal tea. Literally feed (or at least eat for) your higher brain.

Make the conscious choice to fuel your higher brain – your leadership brain – so that you can work and lead from that brain. Your brain controls all parts of you and all parts of your brain are valuable and worthy of your love and acceptance. However, the different parts of your brain serve you in different ways, so it’s up to you to choose what parts you tap into and when.

Allow your two lower brains to do what they do in the background. Fuel your two higher brains so that you can act from a higher place, take control of your impact, forgive, create, respond, see beauty and uncover possibilities you never imagined before.

Taking yourself and your leadership to the next level is a highly rewarding and challenging experience. Having professional guidance – someone to help you see your blind spots, hold you accountable, gain clarity, and listen with compassion – can help you reach your highest potential and put you on a path of continual growth. If you need support getting to your next level of leadership, please connect with me.

10 Ways to Create From COVID-19

May 6, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

Tell me, do you feel “normal” right now?

Let’s face it: whatever “normal” was for each of us before COVID-19, it’s been disrupted. Whether it’s a change in our routines, relationships, professional lives, finances, energy or all of the above, we’ve all had our lives shifted in ways outside of our control.

The thing about this kind of disruption is that it can be extremely revealing. What we were once shoving under the carpet is now staring us in the face. Things we didn’t even realize we were burying are cropping up. Cracks in our foundations are being exposed.

What’s more, many of our old coping mechanisms aren’t an option anymore. We can’t run to the gym, go shopping, visit friends, or distract ourselves with endless to-do lists that keep us busy, busy, busy.

We can still numb ourselves on Netflix, alcohol, pot, snacks or social media.

Or… we can choose to create from COVID-19.

How Do You Create From COVID-19?

This is a bizarre time and there is no guidebook on how to get through it, especially since we’re all in such different circumstances.

But, when it comes to our cracks being exposed, we all have the choice to either fight against them, or lean into them.

When you lean into your whole self – your shadow and your light – you choose personal growth; you choose for your past experiences not to predict your future.

You see, the past has a momentum to it. Patterns, assumptions, beliefs and comfort zones become established through our past, and if we don’t stop to examine these things, they can easily become the drivers of how our future plays out.

One positive of this pandemic is that it is forcing a disruption in all those old patterns, giving us an opportunity to see them more clearly, and to decide if we want to bring them forward with us, or leave them in the past.

This deep reflection builds your self awareness and raises your consciousness. It empowers you to start cutting off power to the things that aren’t serving you, and feeding into the parts of yourself that bring you joy and a sense of purpose.

Even if you can only carve out 10 minutes for yourself each day, you can use that time to take note of what’s happening within you and start making conscious, intentional choices about what you want to feed into to create a future that is less informed by the past, and more focused on who you truly are and what you want for yourself.

The amazing thing about this is that when we create a shift within ourselves, it tends to have a domino effect on those around us. So, if we each do our part during these times, not only will we raise our individual consciousness and joy, we will also contribute towards raising the consciousness of the planet. And from there, so much is possible.

So… where do we start?

Here Are 10 Ways You Can Create From COVID-19:

1 – Accept whatever is coming up and allow it to fully surface

Imagine your life as a river. A river has a lot of different parts. It widens and narrows, rushes over rocks, moves around fallen trees, and so on. As you move along your river, you can choose to go with the flow of whatever comes up, or you can try to fight against it and ignore the obstacles. Which option do you think will be the smoother ride?

In real life, obstacles come in many forms. They can be circumstances around us, or feelings within us. Either way, the smoothest path through is to fully accept whatever it is that comes up. Be with it. Dance with it. Let it surface so that you can see all sides of it.

Let’s say you have some anxiety trying to surface. We’re in the midst of a pandemic, so anxiety is expected! Right. It’s just pandemic anxiety and the pandemic isn’t something you can control, so shove that anxiety back down and just push forward.

But what if you don’t stuff it down? What if you sit with it and let it fully come to the surface? What might that rock in your river reveal if you allow yourself to examine it from all sides?

We’re getting into a lot of metaphors now, but if you’ll bear with me, these can be really helpful…

I want you to now imagine negative emotions as magnets – but magnets that only attract more of themselves. Whenever we experience a negative emotion, it tends to drag up similar emotions we tried to stuff down, making the current emotion even stronger. So, feelings of anxiety from the pandemic can actually drag up and expose our anxious feelings around everything else!

Photo by Lukas Blazek on Unsplash

If you’ve been stuffing down a lot of negative feelings in the past, letting them come up can be frightening, but if you don’t allow them to surface you can’t process them and ultimately let them go. They’ll just keep building and building and building, making every obstacle even more difficult because these buried feelings are being dragged up every time you hit a rock in your river.

Now is the time to let it all come up. Be in the moment. Sit with it. Meditate on it. Journal about it. Punch pillows. Cry. Burn it. Zoom call your coach or therapist. Take a long (physical distancing) walk or run. Whatever comes up, let it flow through you, so that you can release it.

The same goes for positive emotions! Many of us let the everyday joys of life pass us by when we’re busy, busy, busy. Set the intention to allow every emotion in, fully. Let yourself experience what they’re showing you. The funny thing about positive emotions – joy, love, peace, and so on – is that they only stick with us when we allow them in. Rather than being released, they become part of us and help us build on what brings us more joy. Go figure ;)

2 – Tune into all parts of you

These are unprecedented times. They demand a new version of you – a version that is complete.

When we’re growing up, we’re taught to use our brains. You need to do well in school and get good grades so that you can get into a good university and go on to excel in a career. And that’s ok because it is important to learn and grow intellectually. There’s certainly a lot of value in it. But it isn’t the whole picture and most of us aren’t taught to tune into the rest of ourselves.

What is your body telling you? How is your heart feeling? What is your intuition showing you?

If we’re only tuning into our minds – to our intellectual or logical messages – we’re missing all of this other input that can help us make better decisions and create more joy.

Take this time to practice tuning into your body’s messages. Ask yourself, “What do I need at this moment?” Then let yourself feel it. If you let your mind answer, it will likely bring up your to-do list, but if you let your body feel what it needs, you get a more complete picture of what you need to not just survive, but thrive.

For me, I am finding that I need to put the oxygen mask on myself more often. Before this, I was meditating twice a day and that was enough for my well being. Now I find myself needing to either have multiple mini-meditations throughout the day, play some music and dance it out between client sessions, or to just slow down, take a few deep breaths and feel my heartbeat, or even go outside and hug a tree. I need extra refueling time during the day to keep me going and it’s my body, not my mind that tells me this.

When all parts of us have our attention, it benefits every other part. When I let my mind steal the show, it starts to burn out. I get tired, frustrated and I know I’m not bringing my best self. But when I let my body, mind and spirit share the stage, they all perform beautifully together. They tap into my creativity, energy and inner drive. They connect with each other, support each other and empower me to bring my full intelligence forward.

When I tune into all parts of myself, I show up as my best self for my clients, my family and for me!

Tune into your body and intuition. Create from all parts of yourself.

3 – Ask for help

These are not normal times. You can’t do everything you used to do. Expecting yourself to is the opposite of self-love. As one of my incredibly amazing friends and coaching colleagues, Susan Ross, said, “B+ is the new A+”.

Be more compassionate with yourself and others. We are all experiencing new situations and chaos that is turning our worlds upside down and changing in each minute. We cannot expect ourselves to continue performing the way we did before.

Ask for help with things you never dared ask for help with before. One thing we can expect from ourselves is to continue to grow and learn. There has never been a better time to learn to ask for help and to grow from the results.

For me, I got my son to start helping with household chores. So far, he has learned how to put some meals together, how to fold clothes, and how to do some gardening. This has been as enriching for him as it has been helpful to me.

I also asked my partner to take on more stuff, which has been a huge “aha” moment for me. I’ve learned that if I just ask, the people who love and support me will help!

Photo by J W on Unsplash

Now, let’s say you ask and your request is denied. Lean into that. Is the person you asked also feeling overwhelmed? Maybe they just don’t have it to give! That’s ok and maybe instead of helping each other with tasks, you can lean on each other for emotional support. As the Rolling Stones famously sang, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well, you might find, you get what you need.”

On the other hand, you might find yourself surprised by how happy someone is to lend a hand.

4 – Find a space where you can be held

As a coach, I hold a safe space for people. I am there for whatever emotions are coming up, and to help them process and navigate these times.

And I am human as well. I also need to be held; to have a safe space I can turn to. I am part of a leadership tribe that I feel I can turn to when I need a safe space. I also tune into a weekly call led by shamans who share ancient and heartfelt wisdom that gives me the energy I need to fuel my week. Knowing I have these virtual spaces is an immense source of comfort and lifts a weight from my shoulders.

I didn’t always have these spaces and it took time to find spaces that felt truly safe for me, meaning I trusted that I could share whatever was coming up and have it met with compassion. I have also had safe spaces in the past that I either outgrew, or that stopped working for me. This is normal and it’s ok if it takes time to find your space.

Commit to finding a group where you feel you can be held and where you can be fully human, authentic and transparent, allowing your fears, concerns and emotions to flow. This can be a friend group, an online community, even a social club like a book club or running group. Of course, your “space” will have to be a virtual one while the pandemic continues, but isn’t it amazing to live in a time when human connection truly is possible through technology? Embrace what’s available and find your safe space.

5 – Create from everything

COVID-19 is creating a new normal whether we choose to be co-creators of that normal or not. You can just let circumstances turn things upside down around you, or you can choose to actively create from whatever comes up, taking control of how you respond and being the author of this chapter in your story.

Like it or not, we need to adjust our way of being. We need to embrace flexibility whether with our work, or with our family.

For example, I’ve realized that I can’t be strict with my son with everything going on. He likes to stay up late and I’ve chosen to honour his cycle, while holding him accountable for attending his online classes and completing his homework. But, I was also feeling that with our schedules off, we weren’t spending as much time together. One of the most beautiful moments for me was the day I was waking up just as he was heading to bed. We decided to create from that moment and go for a walk together to watch the sunrise. It was such a great moment of connection that we’ll both hold with us for a lifetime, and it wouldn’t have been possible back in our old routines.

Choose to create from what is happening in the moment. Play with it, embrace it, dance with it. You will experience things to new depths and heights!

When it comes to work, many of us just don’t have the option to put in a regular workday anymore. Even if we are fortunate to be able to work from home, we may have children or elderly relatives to care for. For essential workers, even though you’re still going into work, your workday is probably far from normal!

During these times, continually ask yourself how you can increase your flexibility – especially flexibility in how you respond to what comes up – and create from what is going on around you.

For example, instead of giving into frustration that your Zoom meetings keep getting interrupted by children, embrace the fact that your kids are getting to see you in a different light. If you’re an essential worker, let yourself sit with all the kind and heartfelt comments from people showing a whole new appreciation for your contribution.

When you find yourself feeling sad, overwhelmed, fearful or stressed out, first let yourself fully accept and feel what’s coming up, then ask yourself how you can create from it.

6 – Share your gifts

During these times, a lot of people are realizing they’ve been hiding their gifts – even from themselves!

It’s interesting that it’s taken a pandemic for people to appreciate the endless bounds of creativity and the true value of what humanity has to offer. We see it every day across the media – people dancing in the streets, singing from their balconies, conducting fitness classes from rooftops, writing joyful messages on sidewalks, telling stories, showcasing their art… just imagine all the gifts that aren’t being shared!

There has never been a better time to share your gifts, and you never know who you will impact or inspire when you do.

And you don’t have to be an artist or crafts person either. What are you good at? What fires you up? Maybe you can share tips on budgeting or getting your finances in order during a pandemic. Maybe you can teach people how to fix things around the house. Share your cooking tips, gardening tips, workout schedules, how to tie nautical knots or make sugar sculptures… whatever weird and wonderful thing you love, get it out there.

7 – Uncover your true purpose

Photo by Michael Heuser on Unsplash

A lot of people during these times ask, “Why am I here? What do I truly want? What impact do I want to have?”

Remember that this pandemic will end. It will. We don’t have a timeline yet, but researchers are working around the clock on vaccines, treatments and protocols, and they will be successful.

But will things go back to “normal”? Hopefully not! What I mean by that is, hopefully we all use this global pause to decide what we want to bring to the new normal that will emerge when this ends.

This is why it’s a great time to be having these conversations with yourself, especially around the impact you want to have because when we talk about purpose, it’s really impact that we’re talking about. I believe that we’re all put on this earth with a purpose, but whether you share that belief or not, we can all choose to create a purpose for ourselves by being intentional about how we show up and the impact we create.

For me, as I ask myself these questions, a lot comes up around children. I want to help create a world with more compassion, where we value the humanness in ourselves and others, where we trust and respect each other, and where we all hold safe spaces for each other. I have come to realize that I can have the strongest impact by bringing more coaching into schools to create a more human education system where children can tap into their full selves and bring that forward, where emotional growth is valued just as strongly as intellectual growth, and where the objective is to develop the whole person, not just to achieve good test scores.

I am now exploring initiatives around this and it has me feeling excited about what’s to come, but also excited about the opportunity I have right now to dig into the possibilities.

What gets you excited? What impact do you want to have? What new normal do you want to create? If this is something you struggle with, here is some insight that can help you determine your life purpose.

8 – Create real impact

Creating impact isn’t just about the future. In fact, the greatest impact you can have is right here and now. After all, if COVID-19 has taught us nothing, it’s that the only moment we ever truly control is the present one.

Ask yourself, “How do I want to show up during these times? What impact do I want to have?”

Here’s something to play with: Picture in your mind the people who depend on you. What are their concerns, challenges and fears? What do they want and hope for? Who do they need you to be today? Picture yourself being the person they deserve you to be. Commit to being that person (as long as it feels right and fuels you). If you can be more of service to someone, then do it :-)

I love this quote from Philip Shepherd, author of Radical Wholeness: “You can be in presentation mode or you can be present.”

When you’re with your kids, are you in presentation mode, telling them what’s on the agenda today and what you expect from them, or are you being present, checking in with where they’re at and what they might need to be able to fulfill expectations? At work, are you diving into the conference call with talking points and problems to be solved, or are you starting from compassion, checking in on everyone’s situation and making sure you’re all in the head space to be productive in this moment?

Different times demand we show up in different ways in order to have a positive impact that strengthens relationships, families and teams for the future.

Choose to be real over right. This is the time to drop our masks and be the safe space for others to drop theirs. Be real, be human, be more transparent than ever with the people around you, whether it’s your family, loved ones, your colleagues, your team… transparency and vulnerability are needed, and they’re how we build and share strength. It’s okay to say you don’t have all the answers and you are trying to figure it out. Enlist the help of the people around you to co-create the next steps.

9 – Lean into the Divine

Remember, no one has all the answers. Take it one moment at a time. Tune into yourself, and ask, “What is my next best step right now?” Surrender to the answer. This is the best we can do during these times.

Faith isn’t just a religious thing. Faith is trusting that the next moment will come, and that you’ll be able to create from whatever it brings. Lean into that. When you do, it frees you from worry over what the next 5, 10, 100 steps will be, allowing you to just do your best with the one in front of you.

Of course the future matters, and of course we need to plan for it. Leaning into the Divine means letting the circumstances around you unfold rather than fight against them. It means being flexible in your plans, creating from what comes up, and course correcting when needed. If a tree breaks in the wind, it stops growing. Instead, trees bend with the wind when they need to, but they never stop growing towards the sun.

Focus your energy on the steps in front of you. Take a breath. Notice what comes up. Feel your way into the next step, then the next and the next…

10 – Keep asking important questions

We are all asking important questions right now. This pause will be lifted in some ways, but how we are being during the pause will shape how we re-enter.

Keep asking yourself powerful questions and be real in your answers. Ask, “What else is possible? How can I make this happen FOR me? What do I want my new normal to look like? What am I valuing? What do I not miss?”

Stay curious. You may be amazed at what you truly do not miss and no longer need to carry with you. You might uncover new passions or values that will help you create joy. You might come face to face with something you need to strengthen or overcome.

When you are brave enough to really examine those cracks in your foundation, you give yourself the gift of self awareness. The more you investigate, the more you stop fighting against what comes up, the more you explore what fuels you and take steps to bring it forward, the more you will see those cracks begin to heal themselves.

Everything that is happening is happening FOR you, but you have to be open to the potential. Observe, learn and create from it. You can come out of this stronger.

When Do You Dare Bring the True You Out?

February 18, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Business Coaching, Career Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Heart Based Business Coaching, Leadership, Life Coaching, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

I was at my leadership training with the Co-Active Training Institute in North Carolina recently when I got a call from my mom. She told me my grandmother was not doing well. She had pneumonia, wasn’t talking, the antibiotics weren’t working, her kidneys were failing…

It was Thursday and my flight home was booked for late Monday night. I told her I would go see my grandmother as soon as I arrived on Monday.

“She probably won’t make it till Monday,” she told me.

My body froze and I felt a pain in my heart. My grandmother? Although she is 91 years old, I could not accept her dying without me saying one final goodbye. She was my rock; my safe space. She was the person that consistently gave me unconditional love, accepting me fully for exactly who I was. She always stood by me no matter what, encouraged whatever choices I made and always gave me great advice, all while respecting who I was and the choices I was making. She was always joyful and positive. She was really important in my life, especially growing up. She was full of life and would say so many things that most grandparents would not even mention to their grandchildren like, “You need to eat well, you know. You burn 1000 calories when you have sex.” She was full of surprises!

What was I to do? I am part of a 10 month leadership program in a tribe of 26 people that I love. The program is truly meaningful to me and my life purpose, and if I miss a training day (there are 4 weeks of live training over 10 months), I can’t continue with the same tribe.

What was I to do?

I couldn’t imagine not saying goodbye to my grandmother, and I also couldn’t imagine leaving my leadership tribe.

I decided I had to ask for help from the people around me and the Universe. I don’t typically like asking for help but, in this case, I could not do it alone. In leadership training, we’re taught that asking for help is important because there is simply no way we could make it as great leaders by doing things alone. To continuously move forward, learn, grow and succeed, we have to open up to leaning into the experience, strength and energy of the amazing people surrounding us.

Summoning Help

I asked my tribe mates if, at the end of our training day, we could gather together and put out good thoughts for my grandmother.

They all happily agreed.

So there we were, all of us sitting in a circle. I had a picture of my grandmother out and lit some candles. I shared stories about her and how she inspired me. She used to tell me how, during the Hungarian Revolution, she was working in a hospital. When bombs would drop, everyone who could duck would until the bombs passed. She would duck and pray hard. When she would get up, so many people around her would be dead and she would feel so grateful to be alive. Her unending positivity was so impressive. She has always been a role model of strength, love, joy and lightness. Of being her truest self, bravely and unapologetically. Of turning towards gratitude no matter what. I asked everyone to send her prayers to hold on until I made it back so that I could say my final goodbyes.

Everyone did so with a loving heart. I was so grateful to each of these beautiful souls. The tribe even took it up a notch, taking co-creation to a whole new level. They asked their own family members up in heaven to welcome my grandmother when she arrived. One of them even said she had a charming uncle who would be happy to accompany her. Another advised her to stay away from her dad as he wasn’t good news. So much love, humour and lightness was created. I felt my grandmother was in great hands and would leave this world in peace and love.

Then, one of my teachers (in leadership we call them ‘Leader in Front’) presented the idea that, if it felt right, I could open it up so we could send love and positive vibes to other people who were sick or who had passed.

And we did this. Quite a few of my tribe members talked about friends or family members that were not well and needed love sent their way. We all sent lots of love to each of these people.

It was a beautiful evening and we all connected on a deeper level.

Continuous Miracles

The next day, one of my tribe members came up to me crying saying as we were sending love out the night before, someone she was thinking of passed over at that exact time. She thanked me for doing the circle as she felt that she sent love to her friend as she was passing. As a result, she felt a heart of peace that she had sent her love at that time.

I made it home and my grandmother was still alive. Not only was she alive, but her fever broke, the antibiotics kicked in, the light had come back on inside her and she started talking again!! It was truly miraculous.

I then heard feedback from my tribe mates…

“Goosebumps! You KNEW it and it was so. ❤️”

“More miracles: the boyfriend (88) of my mother (84) almost died last week after 2 boughts of pneumonia in a row. He was the one I honoured in this circle of intention. And he has had a miraculous recovery also this weekend. So thank you all!!! You are powerful beyond measure when putting your energies together!”

“My grandmother (who I honored in the circle) is out of the hospital and in rehab, and will go home shortly!!!”

“I had a number of people in my halo of thought that night – one being my husband who is going through a wicked hard time. When I arrived home on Sunday night, his face was brighter than I have seen it in a long time.”

I couldn’t believe it. Then my Leaders in Front told me:

“What a wonderful example of the impact of intention.”

“Wow– u are one powerful leader…thank u for guiding us all into a world where we can create without effecting. One of your quests is to bring more of this into the world.”

More of Me???

More of this??? Lots of people call this type of thing “woowoo”. Me? Bring more woowoo into the world? These are just my beliefs and although I truly believe in them, are they something for me to bring forward? How can I bring more of this into the world without being labelled? Without tons of judgment and assumptions? How can I bring this into corporate environments?

What I do know is that the effects of the intention circle for my grandmother were exponential. A lot of people who thought that things like this were “woowoo” are not believers. But, a lot of people got inspired and wanted to learn more. They got inspired to start putting their true selves out there. The power of many people sending love and light into the world can create miracles.

When you do drop your masks, when you do things that feel good and from the heart, things that you truly believe in, when your thoughts, words, actions, heart and soul are aligned, everything is possible.

I believe my grandmother is one of the people that came to this earth to always look out for me. She supported me unconditionally her whole life. Even as she is getting ready to leave this world, she gave me the best gift ever: a situation where I had to ask for help, where I created true community, and – most importantly – where I could be 100% me.

Bringing More of the Essence of you Forward

Since this experience, I’ve decided that one of my leadership quests is to bring more of this part of me into the world.

I am not quite sure yet how I will do it, but I have promised myself to bring a little more of it forward each day by sharing my true beliefs with everyone, no matter the situation, supporting others that share their true selves, and inspiring others to bring their true selves forward. And, just as that powerful experience presented itself to me at my leadership training, I am opening myself to more opportunities that may come my way. Only by each of us dropping our masks can we create true, heartfelt connection. When we do, we create beautiful, infinite possibilities.

How High is Your Leadership Vibration?

January 31, 2020/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

Negativity… it comes from others. And from ourselves. Even when we aren’t aware! Recently, I was shamed by someone I respect. Except maybe I wasn’t? Maybe I was only shaming myself?

Let me share the story with you…

I had planned to take part in a guided meditation. I was really looking forward to it and had invited two friends to attend with me.

The meditation was being led by a shaman I truly love and respect, and was being held a good distance away. To get there, I had to drive on icy roads, drop off my son, pick up a friend, and even walk the dog to ensure she would stay calm during the meditation.

It was a lot of prep and, sure enough, it didn’t go smoothly. When I arrived, my first thought was, “Finally, I am in a safe place. I can relax and take in a beautiful meditation.” My second thought was that not only was I exhausted from all the preparation, I was also 30 minutes late! To top it off, the dog was now antsy from the extended car ride and needed another walk to relax.

I could have embraced it for what it was: circumstances outside my control. I can’t control the road conditions. I can only respond to them. I can’t control my dog’s energy. I can only respond to it. I couldn’t control her need for exercise, I could only lean into it. I could even have taken a deep breath and welcomed the walk after being cooped up in the car myself.

But, I was late and I didn’t feel good about that.

By the time I entered the building, I was very late.

When I walked in, the shaman leading the meditation told me she hadn’t started because she was waiting for me to come in with the dog, and that there was quite a crowd waiting downstairs.

Oh my! As her words came out, I felt my body constrict. I clammed up. My reflex – my reactive pattern – was to leave. But I couldn’t. I had invited two friends along and it wouldn’t have been fair to leave them.

I began coaching myself in my head. I told myself to let it go and focus on the benefits the meditation would bring. I managed to open my mind and enjoy the meditation, which turned out to be pretty incredible. It was about letting go of what isn’t serving us and focusing all our energies on co-creating what we want for our future.

Although I truly enjoyed the meditation, after it was done and I said goodbye to the shaman, I still felt that negativity within me. I was upset with her. I had felt like I was coming to a safe place, but it didn’t feel safe when I came in and felt scolded.

As a coach, I believe in having those difficult conversations that need to be had. I believe in not letting negative thoughts or feelings become stagnant. I believe in openness and honesty in all relationships.

What should I do? Do I confront her?

Co-Active Leadership in Action

That’s when my learnings from my Co-Active Leadership program kicked in: “A leader is someone who takes responsibility for their world.” I am always coaching others not to stifle their truth, but to bring it forward, even when it’s hard.

I knew I had to walk the walk. Why did it feel so hard?

Well, my Gremlins were quick to answer that for me: “Who am I to confront a shaman?”

Sorry, Gremlins. No microphone for you! Let’s hand it over to my inner leader.

A key factor of self-acceptance is honouring your feelings and living your life in accordance with your values. Your feelings are there for a reason. It’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

And so, taking responsibility for my world, I accepted that I was feeling “less than” in the conversation. I accepted that my body had constricted and reacted strongly. I accepted that my inner leader was speaking to me and that it was the voice I needed to hear. I accepted the light and the messy within me.

Self-Authority = Self-Acceptance in Action!

Now, how do I take this self-acceptance and put it into self-authority? Meaning, how do I bring that self-acceptance forward and embrace confrontation with my shaman?

Trust.

Trust the process. When you use self-acceptance and self-authority, you live your life with an open heart, knowing you are enough and honouring yourself in all your perfect imperfection. When you lead from this place, you know you are leading from your best self; your high vibration self. Whatever follows will be for your highest good.

It’s hard to stand in self-authority, but I chose to trust. Later that day, I texted my shaman and told her how I felt. I was a bit afraid, but I chose growth over comfort. To be the best me, to be the best leader, I had to embrace a tough conversation.

I held my breath. What if this ended my relationship with her? What if she reacted negatively? I would hate to lose her. I love her so much. I kept telling myself, “Trust, Melissa. Trust the process. You are speaking your truth from an open heart.” I believe that the path to true intimacy is to be so vulnerable that it risks losing the relationship. After all, if we can’t be fully open with the people closest to us, what’s the point? I needed to trust.

You Know What They Say About “Assume”…

The shaman’s response was full of wisdom: “A person’s interpretation of another is from the base of how they feel about themselves and the daily world they live in. It’s not through others or the world outside of us that our emotions arise, it’s from ourselves, our interpretations and our thoughts. That’s what creates our emotions. I must say I am truly sorry if these emotions were triggered in you, but let’s look at it as a gift. It’s a map. A map to what seeks healing within you. I couldn’t reach you (she had called and texted, but I had been focused on driving) and the people downstairs were getting antsy. I didn’t want to start until I was sure you were okay. Interestingly, you could have just as easily felt my worry and concern for your safety instead as you did for feeling scolded. You chose to feel that because that is your programming. That’s the one that needs healing or it will keep playing out in your life.”

Oh my. Lots of truth and takeaways here. For starters, I had assumed the shaman was scolding me and had gotten it all wrong. For another, why had I jumped to that assumption?

I try to always follow Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, but I had clearly dropped the ball on agreement #3, which is to not make assumptions. It was a human moment – yes, even we coaches have them :) – so it was important to forgive myself and accept what was in me. And it was equally important to investigate what had led me down that path, so that I could do things differently in the future.

Reprogramming Our Thoughts

The shaman was right. Thinking about it, I often felt scolded by people, and I would retract. As Dr. Dain Heer says, “Our thoughts create our reality.” My reaction had more to do with my thoughts than with the shaman’s words.

This programming was showing up everywhere in my life, business and leadership. I had to own this and clean it up. I had to reprogram my thoughts. I identified the currently running program as the “Scolding Program” and I terminated it. I chose to download the new program as “Loving Kindness”, and I visualized it downloading into me.

Sounds crazy, but in many ways, our minds are like a bunch of running programs. We need to actively evaluate which programs are not working for us, disable them, and replace them with ones that work towards what we want to co-create.

When you can do this, it helps keep you aligned with who you are, your values and purpose. It helps you take authorship of your life so that you are the one truly calling the shots.

Keeping Your Vibration High

Keep your vibration high so that you can bring your best forward. Your best at home, at work, in your business, etc. How? By removing programs that don’t serve you. By meditating daily to connect with your core and show up with your best energy instead of letting other people’s energies run your day. By doing energy work. By exercising. By prioritizing your connection with your inner leader.

If we don’t do this, we stay at a lower vibration. Imagine we are all on different floors of a building. Those who continuously work toward being their best selves are on a higher floor and possess higher vibration. Those who focus on what isn’t working and wallow in unhappy situations exist on lower floors with a lower vibration.

If you maintain an upper-floor vibration, people look to you, wonder what you are doing, get curious and start to raise their own vibrations. If, on the other hand, you lower your vibration to match theirs (or to match the running program in your mind), you’re not doing yourself, or anyone around you, any favors. Choose to go with your highest vibration, always. This is what brings the best you forward. It’s what creates your most positive impact. It’s what creates the magnetism of a true leader. This is what it means to vibrate at a higher frequency. A business or organization can only go as high as it’s leaders. Likewise, as individuals, we can only go as high as we empower our inner leaders to go.

When that negativity came in, I could have swept those feelings under the rug, but that would have brought me down to that lower vibration where external circumstances can so easily run our lives. By choosing to tap into my highest self and be guided by my inner leader, I learned a powerful truth about myself and began a new healing journey. I also strengthened my relationship with my shaman and with myself. Like a domino effect, trusting the process and accepting my whole self has led to even stronger trust and greater self-acceptance.

It isn’t easy to get to that higher vibration. There can be a lot of old programs running that stand in our way. If you would like guidance on how to increase your leadership vibration, your confidence, your clarity, your self-acceptance, self-authority, impact, bringing yourself forward in the world, bravely and unapologetically… connect with me.

What are Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries & Fear

Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

My Journey

How to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

1. Identify where you need to set or adapt boundaries.

2. Accept the reality of the situation.

3. Let go of what they can’t give you.

4. Prepare for resistance.

5. Remind yourself of why you’re doing this.

6. Stay alert to red flags.

7. Be conscious of levels of awareness.

8. Always remember that if you want something different, you need to do something different.

9. If you are a parent, healthy boundaries matter x2.

10. Start small.

11. Be mindful of your words.

12. Know the difference between compassion and capitulation.

Here are 14 ways you can optimize how you show up in order to create authentic business conversations that genuinely move things forward:

1. Take control of your mindset and attitude going into the conversation.

2. Own your part of it.

3. Know your BATNA.

4. Explore the other side; be curious!

5. Practice “level 3 listening”.

6. Ask powerful questions to start excavating.

7. Do your part and initiate the authenticity.

8. Be mindful of the words you say (and don’t say).

9. Bring out the left-hand column.

10. Choose how you will respond.

11. Align around a common purpose.

12. Check in on how others are feeling during the conversation.

13. Keep in mind where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.

14. Don’t leave the conversation without moving forward.

Tell me… have you ever felt like the energy in your space needed a refresh?

Maybe it’s your home, workplace, a community gathering place, or even a single room.

What is smudging?

Why smudge?

Smudging can be done:

How to Perform a Smudging Ceremony

What you’ll need:

What do you need for a smudging Ceremony?

Getting started:

How to perform a smudging ceremony?

What if I told you this was because you aren’t tuning into your WHOLE self?

Here’s what we know: our entire bodies are collecting information about the world around us every second of every day.

This is why you feel like a spectator.

Here are 5 Ways to Lead Through Chaos and Uncertainty:

1 – Start from you.

2 – Mindset.

3 – Create from whatever is happening.

4 – Embrace aggressive transparency.

5 – Tune into your body.

Workshops to succeed during COVID-19 and beyond.

What is an Organizational Coaching Program?

What are the Benefits to Companies with Internal Coaching Programs?

With that in mind, here are some of the benefits that companies with life coach programs, leadership coach programs, or other types of internal coaching programs may experience:

What is a CTI Organizational Coaching Program?

How do I Start an Internal Coaching Program?

What are the 4 brains?

Brain 1 – The Reptilian Brain

Brain 2 – The Mammalian Brain

Brain 3 – The Neocortex

Brain 4 – The Prefrontal Cortex

How do you tap into your higher brain for stronger leadership?

5 Ways to Fuel and Work From Your Leadership Brain

Create From Everything

Process the Present

Yes, And…

Take it One Step at a Time

Feed Your Brain… Literally

How Do You Create From COVID-19?

Here Are 10 Ways You Can Create From COVID-19:

1 – Accept whatever is coming up and allow it to fully surface

2 – Tune into all parts of you

3 – Ask for help

4 – Find a space where you can be held

5 – Create from everything

6 – Share your gifts

7 – Uncover your true purpose

8 – Create real impact

9 – Lean into the Divine