Guilt as a Saboteur
Tell me… What role does guilt play in your life?
I need to make a confession. I only recently realized that guilt was one of my biggest Saboteurs. I knew I had trouble with guilt sometimes, but I didn’t realize that guilt was driving so much of my decision making until a recent session with an energy healer, Marie Danielle Boyer. I couldn’t believe it. After years of coaching, even more years of personal growth, I found myself asking, “How do I stop constant feelings of guilt?”
For me, guilt was cropping up most when it came to making decisions around people close to me. I grew up as the oldest child in my family. I was expected to set an example for my younger siblings and to think about other people before considering my own needs. It was ingrained in me that my choices impacted others and that I was responsible for what they did as a result. If a younger sibling misbehaved, it was my fault because I must have failed to set the right example. As a result, I felt a lot of anxiety around making decisions. I worried constantly that I wasn’t good enough and that I was letting my family down.
When I first began coaching, I would book client sessions at all times of the day. If a client was only available in the evenings, I felt it was my responsibility to put their needs first and create time for them, regardless of my own needs. I felt so guilty at the idea of not meeting their needs, that I completely neglected my own well-being. Sure enough, I burnt out. Hard. Even my physical health was struggling.
That burnout was one of my first red flags (truthfully, first one that I noticed) that guilt was playing a big role in my decision making. I realized I had to prioritize my health and well-being, get clear on my boundaries, and establish a solid schedule. One that included flexibility, but also effectively guarded the personal time I needed to care for myself and my life outside of work. After all, there was no way I could support my clients if I continued to cycle through burnout after burnout!
This realization helped me create balance in my life, but the guilt was still holding on.
For years, I had wanted to attend a particular leadership conference. Year after year, I put it off. Going would mean leaving my son in someone else’s care. That worried me endlessly. I cringed at the idea of someone else making his school lunches and them not being healthy enough. Ensuring he ate well felt like such a foundational part of my role as a parent. If he didn’t eat well, that would be my fault. He might feel sick or sluggish, and not be able to focus at school. That would be on me! And what about catching the bus on time? Or washing his school uniforms? It felt like there were a lot of balls in the air, and if any of them dropped, it would be my fault.
I wish I could say that I had a grand realization, but I think I just got tired of guilt running the show. I finally told myself that if I were away for a few days, things would be different for my son, but that would be ok. He would still be safe and loved, and if he missed the bus one day, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. It might even help him develop his independence!
With that, I started to feel fueled by the retreat. I went, learned so much, met great people, and became a better coach as a result of the experience. Yes, my son did have popcorn for supper one day, but he enjoyed it and I got over it :) Little by little, I was learning to let go of guilt.
I’ve since learned of this awesome concept from the author, Nora Roberts, about how to handle the feeling of too many balls in the air. She says the key is to recognize that some of the balls are glass, and some are plastic. The plastic ones can fall and won’t break. You can pick them up later. The glass ones will shatter, so they need to be our priority. My son’s overall diet is a glass ball for me. But his diet for a few days is a plastic one. Not fun to drop, but there’s no guilt in letting it fall if it means keeping a glass ball – like my own health – from shattering.
The thing is, I often guide clients on how to deal with guilt and regret. On an intellectual level, I know how to identify it and work through it. But, on an energetic level, something was clouding my vision. By accepting support from my healer, I was able to broaden my understanding and start taking practical steps to overcome it. We all need help sometimes and that’s nothing to feel guilty about ;)
So… Can I now tell you how to stop feeling guilty? Yes… and no. We can’t control our feelings. We can’t simply turn off the “guilty tap” and stop the flow. Instead, we need to become curious about it, confront our guilt, learn from it, and take control of how we respond to it. With time and intention, the guilt will come up less frequently and have less power when it does.
Though you can never truly stop a feeling from ever happening, you can regulate its impact on your life.
False Guilt vs. Genuine Guilt
The French word for guilt is ‘culpabilite’, which directly translates to ‘culpability’. As I work in both French and English, I come across ‘culpabilite’ often. I like this word because it can really help identify genuine guilt vs. false guilt.
When we think of guilt as culpability, we can understand it as knowing and wanting to harm someone, and doing it anyway. We knew it would cause harm, we wanted to cause harm, we are culpable in the outcome. Often, the things we feel guilty about aren’t actually causing harm, and we certainly aren’t knowing and wanting to cause harm. That’s false guilt. It’s a real feeling – a very real emotional experience – but we aren’t actually guilty or culpable of anything.
When you do or say something to someone else (or yourself), you are responsible (not guilty) for your intentions. You are also responsible (not guilty) for how you respond when someone does or says something to you.
If you knowingly and willingly did something with the intention of causing hurt, then you would probably feel guilty and that would be genuine guilt. You knew it would cause harm, you had the intention to cause harm, and you willfully carried it out. If those three criteria aren’t fulfilled – knowing, wanting and intending – it’s false guilt.
Be aware of your intentions, mindful of your reactions, and take responsibility ONLY for what you are actually responsible for.
Let’s imagine you want to set a boundary with a family member. Imagine this person often brings up things from the past that are hurtful. You want to draw a boundary with them, but feelings of guilt keep coming up and stopping you.
In that situation, ask yourself, “In setting this boundary, is it my intention to cause harm?”
The answer is, most likely, no. Yes, a person’s feelings might be hurt, but that is their responsibility to regulate. You are only responsible for your intentions and how you show up.
Now, maybe it IS your intention to hurt the person. Maybe they’ve caused you hurt, and a part of you wants them to feel hurt as well. This is human! And it’s another reason to be aware of your intentions. What you feed is what grows. It’s normal to want to hurt someone who hurt you. But, acting on that will only grow those negative feelings and bring in more guilt. By being aware of your intentions and conscious of your response, you can make the choice to grow something better within yourself.
If you determine that your intention is not to hurt anyone, and you do your best to set the boundary in a respectful way, you are not guilty, culpable or responsible for the other person’s reaction.
Let’s try a simpler example (boundaries can be an especially complex minefield for guilt). Let’s say you want to start taking some time for yourself. Maybe you want to take a class, pick up a new hobby, spend an evening with friends, or even just have some solo time. You feel guilty because it’s taking time away from your family – possibly even spending money on yourself instead of your kids or something more “worthy”.
Once again, ask yourself, “Is it my intention to cause harm by taking care of myself?”
Is your family actually harmed by losing one hour of your time per week? Is your future actually at risk by diverting some funds to yourself? Is anyone actually suffering by you making yourself a priority?
Once again, the answer is no and it’s false guilt holding you back. A real feeling, but a false interpretation of the facts.
If we’ve done something to hurt another person, guilt comes up to tell us we need to make amends and reevaluate our choices in the future. It’s the “I made a mistake and I feel horrible” feeling. If we’re thinking about doing something to intentionally cause harm, guilt comes up as a warning to consider another path. That’s genuine guilt.
False guilt is when we start feeling guilty for things that aren’t actually harming anyone, that we aren’t responsible for, or that we have no control over.
False Guilt as a Saboteur
Your inner Saboteurs are those voices in your head that try to hold you in your comfort zone. They tend to crop up when you think about trying something new, doing something for yourself, or trying to shift your mindset.
Here is what the guilt Saboteurs might sound like:
- “If I think of myself first, I am selfish.”
- “If I say this, I might lose my job.”
- “I should have…”
- “I shouldn’t have”
- “I did this again…”
- “I did not do this again…”
- “It’s all my fault.”
- “I don’t have enough experience to pursue that goal/charge that amount/share that opinion.”
And guilt Saboteurs are not just voices in your mind. They can also show up as behaviours. Two extremely common ones are over-apologizing and over-justification. If you find yourself apologizing profusely for things in which you did not knowingly, willingly and intentionally cause harm… that’s a guilt Saboteur. If you often feel the need to justify or explain your choices… that’s guilt again.
It’s normal to feel hesitant or uncertain when trying to make changes in your life. But, if thoughts and behaviours like these are consistently holding you in status quo, you’ve got some restless Saboteurs that need to be checked. False guilt can be a big one.
How can we overcome the Saboteurs? To get them under control, I give them personalities. What is a saboteur personality? It’s visualizing your Saboteurs as individual beings. You might give them names and imagine what they look like. It’s really helpful in practicing to separate the Saboteur voices from your inner leader.
To identify your Saboteurs, try thinking about things you’ve been wanting to do or create, then ask yourself, “What is holding me back from taking steps towards that?” Often, it’s feelings that come up – fear, anxiety, worry, shame, anger, hurt or guilt.
These are your Saboteurs. If guilt is one of your biggest, you’re not alone.
What makes guilt a powerful Saboteur? As a Saboteur, guilt is a thief. By holding us back from what we want or what we believe is right, it robs us of our:
- Integrity;
- Confidence;
- Courage;
- Pursuit of purpose;
- Ability to be present;
- Peace of mind;
- Empathy;
- Listening;
- Compassion;
- And much more.
Not only that, guilt often brings friends along for the ride. A common one being a sense of shame. That’s powerful because shame leads to all kinds of harmful beliefs about your worth as a human being.
So… how to deal with guilt in a relationship, a business, a family, a community… ?
Like so many things in life, it comes down to taking ownership for what you can control, and learning to let go of the rest. Easier said than done, right? As a fellow guilt-recoverer, I know the struggle.
Here are 7 things that helped me get a handle on guilt and move forward:
7 Ways To Get Rid Of Guilt & Move On With Your Life
1. Separate the feeling from the facts.
Clients often ask for advice on how to stop feeling guilty. It was one of my first questions too when I realized the weight of guilt in my life. I’ve learned that a key step is to separate the feeling of guilt from the facts of the situation. Ask yourself, “What are the facts, as I know them?” Keep in mind that how another person might feel – even if you believe you know, 100%, how they will feel – is not a fact, for two reasons. First, you can never fully know another person’s inner experience. Secondly, what might happen is a prediction and not a fact. Understanding your mental models, how they create what you know to be true, and how other people’s mental models impact their truth, can help with this step.
Using the earlier example of wanting to set a boundary with a family member, the facts as you know them may simply be that this person has often brought up the topic before, you feel hurt when the topic is brought up, and you want to set a boundary. Those are the facts. You haven’t hurt anyone, you have no intention of hurting anyone, and you cannot predict the outcome.
2. Get clear on your responsibilities.
Continuing with the boundary setting example, what are you actually responsible for in that situation? You are responsible for your intention. They are responsible for their reaction. If the boundary is meant to protect you and your well-being, your intention is good, therefore you are not guilty. The other person might feel upset or hurt, but you are not responsible for that reaction or what they do with those feelings. That is their journey. Oftentimes, feelings of guilt come up when we put our own well-being first. We think (or someone tells us) we’re being selfish. But… What’s so bad about being selfish? There’s a great talk from Esther Hicks that explores this. Around the 2:25 mark she talks about selfishness and what people really mean when they accuse you of it. If this is something you struggle with, I strongly recommend checking it out. In any situation, you are responsible for your intention and how you show up. That means, you are responsible for what you say and do, how you respond to what others say and do, and what your intention is in what you say and do. That’s it.
3. Ask yourself, “Am I intending to…”*
Imagine the worst case scenario, then ask yourself if that is your intention. Often, it’s the worst case scenario that stirs up guilt. You feel guilty about creating some outcome that is entirely theoretical, and that you have no intention of creating. Ask yourself, “Am I intending to cause [worst case scenario]?” If your answer is no, then there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Ultimately, you have no control over the outcome of any decision. You can only control your intentions and how you bring them forward.*There’s an important distinction to make in a world of non-apologies from public figures who say or do offensive or hurtful things. They often use the excuse that it wasn’t their intention to cause offense. A politician making a racist or transphobic comment, a public figure promoting hateful ideals, or even someone who isn’t in the public eye, but is in a position of influence and behaves in an offensive way… they are either choosing ignorance or choosing hate and, therefore, choosing to cause harm, knowing full well the influence they have. This is different from an individual simply trying to advocate for themselves in their own life.
4. Shift out of ‘Victim’ or ‘Rescuer’ mode.
The Triangle of Disempowerment (also known as the Drama Triangle) is an incredibly common phenomenon that I have seen so many clients get caught up in. In the triangle, there are Victims, Rescuers and Persecutors. Each plays a role in keeping a story of disempowerment going. For Victims, the cards are stacked against them, they aren’t good enough, they’ll never be able to have what others have, and none of that is their fault. For Rescuers, others’ needs always come before their own and they just don’t have time for their own needs or interests. For Persecutors, the world is out to get them, so they might as well strike first. Both Victims and Rescuers can struggle with guilt as a Saboteur. Whereas a Rescuer may be driven by guilt to always put others first, a Victim may feel a weight of guilt at always having to be rescued, or not being able to help others. In both of these scenarios, guilt is sapping the person’s power over their own lives. If you identify with either the Victim or the Rescuer, there are tools here to help you better understand what’s going on, and start taking meaningful steps in a more empowering direction.
5. Let go of the outcome.
Letting go of outcomes goes hand-in-hand with getting clear on your intentions. This can be especially true when you feel guilt around someone else’s thoughts or feelings.
A great practice for this is non-attachment. Practicing non-attachment means detaching your sense of self-worth from things outside yourself. No matter what choice you make, what happens around you as a result is entirely out of your control. Why attach your self-worth to something you can’t control? Get yourself into the CEO seat of your life. You control your intentions, your choices, and how you show up. Let. The rest. Go.
Let’s say you need to fire someone. It’s normal and human to feel guilt in that situation. You can have that feeling AND not let it guide your decisions or self-worth. Chances are, this is not a spiteful firing. Maybe the company is having cuts, or the person is underperforming. You aren’t firing them with the intention of creating a negative outcome. In fact, you have no idea what the outcome will be. They may go on to find a much better job that’s more aligned with their values, personality and life goals. They may decide to further their education. For all you know, they may have been waiting for their severance package so that they could pursue something different! You are responsible for your intentions and how you show up. Not the outcome.
6. Reframe your mindset around self-care.
I’ve lost count of the number of clients I’ve worked with who have neglected their own self-care because of guilt. And I count myself among those numbers. Often, there’s a belief that what we want or need for ourselves is not as important as everything outside ourselves, or that we’ll get to our own needs at some point in future (which we never seem to arrive at).What’s inside you informs what’s outside you. Taking care of everything inside you absolutely will have a domino effect on everything around you. You are a valid and worthy priority. Self-care, which includes everything from relaxation, to health, to personal development, and beyond (your entire assessment wheel, essentially) is not selfish. It’s as important to being human as fuel is to getting a car moving.
7. Ask yourself, “How is guilt serving me?” This can be a difficult question to grapple with. Anytime we consistently struggle with a limiting emotion or belief, there’s always a flipside. Yes, it’s holding us back and we don’t like it, but we’re also getting something out of the deal. That’s why it has such a strong hold on us. Think about an area of your life where you feel guilt, then ask yourself, “How is the guilt serving me?” It may be providing you a sense of security, comfort or familiarity. Maybe it’s giving you an excuse to avoid something that scares you. Maybe it’s supporting a persona you feel you need to uphold. I read an article recently from Executive Coach Leslie Williams, where she talked about guilt “masquerading as virtue”, which can be especially common for women (but can also be experienced by anyone). If you grew up with the message that good girls don’t make a fuss, or taking care of yourself is selfish or high maintenance, guilt may be enabling your pursuit of that virtuous ideal. But, as Williams says, “The world needs your boldness.”
Guilt is an internal feeling, but it has a ripple effect that impacts all areas of your life, causing guilt to show up almost anywhere. Guilt isn’t a good feeling in the body. It’s so understandable that you’d try to avoid it. The problem is, any feeling you try to shove under the rug will only expand and trip you. When you choose, instead, to confront guilt, it begins to lessen. Its impact gets smaller and that makes room for other feelings to make themselves known. Feelings like pride, confidence, self-acceptance, compassion and courage.
It’s one of our greatest failings as a society that anyone is made to feel guilty for trying to take ownership of their own life. The only way we can correct that is by taking conscious steps towards shifting our own mindsets, changing the way we show up for ourselves, and changing the way we show up for others.
If you would like help dealing with guilt, I invite you to connect with me.
Is Employee Redeployment Part of Your Corporate Culture?
Tell me… is an employee redeployment process part of your corporate culture plan? Have you considered its role in employee engagement? Retention? Growth and development?
If not, you should. When done right, a strong redeployment strategy:
- Keeps your best people happy
- Costs way less than hiring and firing
- Can help prevent and alleviate burnout
In this article, we’ll discuss:
- What is employee redeployment?
- When would an employee be redeployed?
- The role of employee redeployment in preventing burnout
- The importance of proper employee redeployment
- Successful employee redeployment strategies
What is Employee Redeployment?
Redeployment is when an employee is moved from one role to another within the same organization. It isn’t necessarily a promotion or demotion, but more often what we’d call a ‘lateral move’.
When Would an Employee be Redeployed?
As a tool of talent management, employee redeployment is something that can be used in a variety of situations. Here are just a few possibilities:
- To staff a new business location
- To retain employees whose department, team or role may be closing
- To accommodate and retain employees who want to try something new, or are feeling unsatisfied or unchallenged in their current role
- To accommodate a team or department with increased staffing needs
- To create flexibility (some businesses may find it beneficial to have staff members capable of easily shifting responsibilities as work changes demand)
- As part of an employee’s career growth path (they may want to move up the ladder and need to expand their skills and/or knowledge of the organization)
Redeployment empowers organizations to tap into the full potential of their people’s strengths, talents and passions, while addressing the inevitable ebbs and flows of business. Not only can it be an important part of your corporate culture, leading it can also be a key element of servant leadership.
The Role of Employee Redeployment in Preventing Burnout
This time in history has brought a pandemic, recession and war. On top of that, it’s being hailed as “The Great Resignation” as people have left their jobs in record numbers over the past two years. In fact, a recent poll from Monster found that about 95% of Americans were considering leaving their jobs, with burnout cited as the top reason.
In 2019, Harvard Business Review identified 6 key causes of burnout: workload, perceived lack of control, rewards/compensation (both intrinsic and extrinsic), community, fairness, and values mismatch.
These issues need to be addressed and doing so may demand a full overhaul of your organization’s way of doing things. Of the 6 burnout causes noted above, 3 can be directly impacted by a strong employee redeployment strategy:
- Perceived lack of control – When there are ample development opportunities available, and the opportunity to explore different paths, it gives people greater ownership of their career trajectory, and a sense of control over their professional life.
- Rewards/compensation – The opportunity to grow and explore is, itself, a reward. Additionally, a sense of pride comes with mastering something new, which can be a powerful reward. Finally, learning opportunities can be part of a well-rounded compensation package that makes employees feel valued for both their contribution and their potential.
- Community – When people move around the organization, it has the benefit of creating cross-team or cross-department connections that can – if you’ve done the work to cultivate a healthy and supportive working environment – strengthen the overall sense of community for everyone, not just the redeployed employee.
The Importance of Proper Employee Redeployment
What do I mean by “proper”? It’s about meeting the employee where they are. Proper redeployment must recognize strengths, as well as areas for growth, AND provide opportunities and resources to facilitate that growth, AND be a safe space for learning. Let’s explore each of those:
- Recognizing strengths – Seek out transferable skills and talents. Things like the ability to prioritize, communication skills, staying cool under pressure, seeing different perspectives, being able to dance in the moment and so on, are all skills that can be brought into different roles. Look for these and openly recognize them.
- Recognize areas for growth – An employee may have an interest in a role, but not yet have the skill. Prioritize the interest! Skills can be learned. Interest and enthusiasm can’t. If someone has an interest in something, recognize it and look for ways that their interest can be turned into growth.
- Provide opportunities – In providing opportunities and resources, be considerate of people’s whole lives – not just their working life. As much as possible, seek out programs, workshops, courses, etc. that take place during regular business hours.If training is only possible outside of business hours, consider how that time can be given back to the employee in some way. Remember that this is meant to benefit the organization and the employee, as well as to mitigate burnout risks, not add to them.
- Be a safe space – There’s a saying that if you want to be good at something, you have to be ok with being bad at it first. That’s the path of learning and development – mistakes and missteps. It’s inevitable, so it has to be safe! Think about how mistakes are currently dealt with in your organization. Are they met with shame or curiosity? Judgment or encouragement? As a leader, are you open about your own mistakes? Is your workplace a safe space for truth? For people to learn, it has to feel safe to do so.
When approaching employee redeployment strategies, be sure to also recognize where people are at in terms of well being. Is this person already struggling with burnout, disengagement, lack of motivation, or a feeling of stuckness? Are they dealing with personal issues on top of trying to figure out their role in the organization? Could they benefit from a few coaching sessions or a mentorship relationship to support them?
Recognizing well being also goes towards mitigating those 3 burnout causes – control, rewards, community. When you provide safe space and support for people to work through issues and do their inner work, you give them the opportunity to take control over their path, a powerful sense of personal reward, and most impactfully, a sense of community at work. This doesn’t just prevent burnout, it also cultivates greater engagement, creativity, productivity, initiative, cooperation, loyalty and so much more. It contributes to an overall culture of trust, respect, growth and accountability.
Alongside employee well being, also think about how the current corporate culture may be contributing to negativity in the workplace. If someone is struggling or unhappy in their current role, what are ALL the reasons for that? Is there a trend of heavy workloads and long hours? Is there a lot of gossip or other toxic behaviours? Are leaders respectful of the people they lead? Moving employees around will not solve those problems. Instead, you’ll lose your best people. If there is a cultural problem, make it right.
Successful Employee Redeployment Strategies
Redeployment is a tool that can be used in a variety of situations. As such, your strategy should be flexible, and able to bend to meet specific needs. However, there are a few strategies to incorporate into your overall redeployment process to help ensure success:
- Think skills and interests, not roles
Instead of thinking along the lines of, “We have an open finance role, so we need a finance person,” think broader. Consider the skills, mindset, strengths or interests needed to fill an open position and open up your possibilities to a wider employee base. Or vice versa. If an employee is unhappy in their role (or their role is no longer needed), consider the full range of their strengths, skills and interests. - Encourage and facilitate cross-team work
Find and create ways for people to collaborate and communicate. This allows employees to broaden their horizons, and allows leaders to see how their people perform in different scenarios and environments. - Understand why people leave
Employee redeployment can contribute to a culture of loyalty and engagement IF you also address internal issues. Motivated, energetic, engaged, creative people leave when they’re bored or unhappy. Those are your best people; the ones who don’t sit still, but strive to make things happen. If they’re unhappy, they have the energy and drive to leave. And they will. - Celebrate lateral movement
Not everyone wants upward movement. But, top employees are usually the type of people who thrive on trying new things and growing their skills. A lot of corporate cultures – and society in general – see promotion as the ultimate measure of success. So, if that isn’t what drives someone, how can they find fulfillment in their work? One way is through celebrating redeployment with the same enthusiasm you would celebrate a promotion. - Create an internal coaching or mentoring program
One of the most effective ways of encouraging employee growth and development is by establishing an internal coaching program, and matching employees with mentors or coaches within the organization. It gives them someone who ‘knows the ropes’ to talk openly with and explore possibilities. With these kinds of relationships, people can more easily get clarity on what they truly want, and what options are available to them within the organization. - Offer ‘open’ education benefits
Many companies that offer education benefits stipulate that the benefit can only be used for training directly related to the employee’s role. This may seem to make sense, but it actually stifles growth. It allows them to grow in only one direction instead exploring their full potential. Offer education benefits and keep it open to anything related to the organization in general. - Keep track of transferable skills
A great time to do this is during performance reviews. As you’re considering an employee’s performance, make note of the broad skills and talents that make them a great employee and keep a record of them. During your one-on-one reviews, ask employees what other roles or departments they’re also interested in and why. Record those interests as well. Now you have the data to help make decisions when potential redeployment situations arise.
There are so many elements that make up corporate culture. Because of this, the idea of changing your overall culture can feel overwhelming. The good news is, once you commit to making positive changes, those changes have domino effects that impact multiple areas of your culture and organization. Employee redeployment can be one of those changes, if you do the work to take full advantage of what this tool has to offer.
If you would like guidance in developing an employee redeployment process, or understanding how, where and why your employees can potentially be redeployed in positive ways, I invite you to connect with me.
Speaking Your Truth in the Workplace: Part 1
Speaking your truth at work. Oof. Such a simple sentence and yet, from front line workers to C level executives it seems nearly everyone I work with as a coach has the same fear: speaking their truth in the workplace.
I know this fear well, as I have had my own journey towards full authenticity in the workplace. I know all the anxiety that comes with it. I know how frightening those first steps can feel. And I know how impactful it is – to yourself and others – when you fully own your truth.
At this point, you might be asking… How can I start speaking my truth at work? How can I say what needs to be said? How can I speak up when I see a problem? How can I voice my opinions openly and professionally?
Is it possible? And… Do I really need to do it?
Why Truth is Hard in the Workplace
For centuries, possibly even millenia, people have defined respect as treating someone like an authority figure, and have seen authority figures as people who lay out the rules for all of us to follow.
It’s a lot like how many of us grew up. Our parents, teachers, coaches and so on were the authority figures who called the shots, and we were expected to show respect by doing what we were told and not questioning that authority.
It became o
ur understanding of how the world is. So, it’s understandable that in the workplace – those places in adulthood where we most encounter authority figures – our childhood fear of speaking up resurfaces. We don’t want to get in trouble. We don’t want to be judged. We don’t want to upset anyone, make anyone angry, have anyone think less of us…
The voices inside us that hold us back are called our Gremlins, or Saboteurs. They are the voices that say not to rock the boat. They also tell us we’re being respectful when we hold back our truth; that we are keeping ourselves safe, keeping the peace, being realistic, or whatever lies they tell to keep us in our comfort zones.
What if we stopped listening to them? What if, instead, we defined respect as treating people like human beings?
What if, instead of letting the Gremlins speak, we said things to ourselves like…
- “When I approach others as though their minds are open, I am respecting them.”
- “When I shed light on potential problems, I am respecting the people around me by assuming they are open to co-creating solutions.”
- “When I approach conflict from a place of curiosity, I am respecting others by understanding that they have an inner experience I know nothing about.”
- “When I take an issue to management or HR, I am respecting the organization by not allowing the issue to fester and become bigger.”
- “When I ask for clarity, I’m respecting my need to fully understand expectations, and respecting the organization’s need for everyone to be on the same page.”
- “When I share my unique ideas or opinions, I am respecting myself, my colleagues and the organization by bringing all parts of myself forward to do the best work I possibly can.”
Our fear of speaking out comes from a valid place in that all feelings are valid. It’s what we do with the fear that matters most. Do we lead from it or do we learn from it?
Learning From Fear vs. Leading From Fear
When you lead from your fear, you let it make the decisions in your life. It guides your path.
When you learn from it, you lead from your highest self. Your inner leader is a perpetual learner, continuously striving to reach higher and higher levels through the lessons life has to bring.
Face your fear, head on, and examine it from all sides. Meditate on it. Journal about it. Consider where it comes from and how it is serving you in life right now.
Ask yourself:
- “Is the fear leading towards what I truly want, or is it holding me in status quo?”
- “What outcome am I truly afraid of?”
- “What story am I telling myself about why not to have this conversation?
Where there’s fear, there’s a part of you that needs to heal. Get curious about your own fears and learn from them. You can’t change things by ignoring fear or trying to shove it aside. You create real change by leaning into what scares you.
What Happens When You Speak Your Truth at Work?
Truth always leads to more truth. That’s why it is so important to speak our truth, especially at work.
When you com
mit to speaking truth from a heart of peace – a heart that leads with curiosity, compassion and courage, rather than blame, shame and judgement – you free yourself from all those limiting beliefs and old patterns that have consistently held you back, AND you create a safe space for others to bring their truth forward.
The more people speak their truth in a way that is respectful – remembering that respect means treating people as human beings – the more psychological safety is cultivated within the corporate culture.
What does it mean to have psychological safety at work? It means knowing that you, too, will be met with that definition of respect. It can mean, for example, that when you make a mistake you feel confident owning that mistake, knowing that it will open up a solutions-focused discussion, not punishment or shame. It can mean never thinking twice about sharing an idea because you know that all ideas are met with respectful consideration. It can mean never wasting energy keeping yourself “safe” from blame, gossip or any other toxic behaviours. It can mean asking for help or guidance without worrying that someone might question your competence.
When we feel safe to speak our truth, we are all able to move forward with courage and clarity.
Who Can Lead a Truth Shift?
Creating this kind of shift within an organization is most effective when it is led by those in leadership positions but, the fact is, it can be driven by anyone at any level.
As I said, truth leads to more truth. Often, all it takes is one person committing to leading themselves from truth for others to start stepping into their own truth.
This is what it means to be the change you want to see. If you want your organization to be one of authenticity, then commit to being authentic by speaking your truth.
When it Backfires
Let’s say you start speaking your truth more and more at work. You do so respectfully and professionally (don’t worry, I’ll be getting to how to do that soon). And it backfires.
No one else is rising up to meet you. The energy is shifting and it isn’t in a positive direction.
Isn’t that… a good thing? You deserve a workplace environment that empowers you to thrive within the organization. That isn’t selfish. That isn’t entitlement. That’s a basic human need AND of great value to any organization. Organizations are driven by the people within them and they are most successful when they fully support the people within them.
So, if you start speaking your truth and it backfires, that’s a very clear, very loud signal that this is not the organization for you and it’s time to start planning your exit strategy. Life needs to go on, bills need to be paid, families need to be supported. You may not be able to just quit and move on and that’s ok. Just don’t settle. You may not be able to leave today, but what can you do today?
Start exploring your options, fixing up your CV, expanding your skills and knowledge, and getting clear on what you truly do want. You cannot thrive where you cannot be YOU.
What it Looks Like to Speak Your Truth in Professional Relationships
So, you’re ready to speak your truth at work. Now what? How do you do that in a way that is professional and respectful?
Let’s think about it this way: respect means to honour the human; professional means to honour the organization.
Here are some examples of what that could look like:
- “I spotted a potential roadblock in this plan. I know a lot of work went into this and I really want to see it succeed. Do you have a minute to hear my concerns?”
- “We seem to be butting heads on this timeline. I know the company has a set goal for getting this done, and I see that you have some concerns about that. Tell me what you’re experiencing?”
- “I know the company is going through a challenging time and I want to be a part of working through that. The problem is, I’ve been putting in too many evening and weekend hours. I feel like I’m burning out and like I can’t bring my best to this role without time to recharge. Can we discuss some options?”
- “When I had the chance to partner with the other department a few weeks ago, I felt really energized by the work they’re doing. I think I might have a lot to contribute and I wonder if you would be open to me partnering with them again, and perhaps growing my career in that direction long term?”
- “I’ve been thinking about the vision I hold for the organization and want to ensure it’s fully aligned with the corporate vision, or if I need to make adjustments. Do you have a moment to help me get clarity?”
- “I had an idea. From my perspective, it’s in line with our objectives for this year, but I realize I may have blind spots I’m not aware of. Can I get your feedback on it?”
You’ll notice that all of these conversation openers are rooted in curiosity and open up to anything being possible.
When we use phrases like, “You always disagree with me,” or “That won’t work,” or “I can’t work like this anymore,” what we do is we shut down possibilities. We draw a line in the sand that puts others on the defensive. You aren’t a safe space, but are someone to stay safe from.
The curiosity approach, on the other hand, is confident, strong, compassionate, co-creative, respectful and professional.
15 Tips & Mindset Shifts to Prepare for Workplace Truth
- Remember that you were hired in your role for a reason. That reason includes your skills, qualities, experience and perspective. Staying quiet does not honour that reason.
- Fear is normal. Confront your fear and learn from it so that it has no power to lead you. Leading from fear keeps everything status quo. Learning from fear and leading from truth is how change is created. If you’re struggling to clearly identify the exact fear Gremlins you’re dealing with, this assessment can help.
- Learn to embrace conflict because conflict itself is not the real enemy. Avoiding conflict is. When you learn to embrace conflict as a growth opportunity, it starts to lose some of the fear it usually brings with it, and empowers you and those around you to truly move forward.
- Ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself that’s holding me in status quo?” Write the story out if it helps you get clarity. Then ask, “How can I retell this story in an empowering way?”
Here’s an example of what I mean: You have always told yourself that only difficult people disagree with their boss and that if you want to keep your job and do well, you need to just keep your head down.
To retell that in an empowering way, you might start telling yourself that speaking your truth feels scary, but is really just a skill to be learned and you are a person who is capable of learning. You’ve been letting your fear lead you for too long and you are ready to start practicing this new skill in order to create change in your life. - Forget about the consequences. The fact is, you don’t know how your truth will be received.
You might fear your boss thinking you’re incompetent if you ask for clarity, but more often than not, it sends the message that you’re truly invested in aligning your efforts with corporate vision and objectives. Your unique idea might not be put into practice, but it will give others the opportunity to look at things from a different perspective and see even more possibilities. Your boss might be busy and overscheduled, but will likely welcome the opportunity to connect and get insight into how things are really going. And if your truth isn’t welcomed with respect… is that really the environment you want to spend your precious energy on? An environment where truth isn’t honoured?When you dwell on imagined consequences, that’s your fear trying to lead you. Be brave and let your heart lead you. - Be intentional. What that means is, you have to intentionally create new rituals and routines for yourself in order to embed any new skill into your day to day life. Hiding your truth is simply a habit; an old pattern that can be broken and replaced. You learned that habit over many years and from many experiences, so it is expected that it will take intentional practices and daily reminders to embed a new, healthier habit.Find some way to work the new habit into your daily thinking. This could be part of your morning ritual, an hourly alarm to check in with your emotions, a string tied to your wrist as a visual cue to connect with your truth in the moment, a nightly journaling session to note all the times you spoke your truth throughout the day and how it felt… whatever practice works for you.
- Give mindfulness and meditation a genuine try. Speaking your truth can take a lot of emotional energy in the moment. Regular mindfulness and meditation practices keep your emotional energy fueled up and train your brain to notice what’s coming up in the moment, so that you can respond consciously, rather than react unconsciously.When you have the emotional energy stores to calm the knee-jerk reactions, you can take control of your response, ensuring it is both respectful and professional, and that it aligns with your values and what you want to create for yourself.
- Tune into your gut. Literally. Our bodies will often alert us to our truth before our brains are consciously aware of it. When something shifts or twinges in your body, take a moment with that feeling. What was happening in that moment? What is it trying to tell you? What truth do you need to hear?
- Get clear on the boundaries you need to feel safe in your truth. Truth is human and anything human is worthy of safety. Get clear on what that means for you and what boundaries you may need to set or strengthen.
- Be open to change and disagreement. Your truth is not everyone else’s. Just as your truth is worthy of respect, their truth is worthy of respect. Listen more than you speak. Get curious. Hear what’s being said and what’s not being said.
- Lean into the “worst case” scenario. Really, what’s the worst that could happen? They disagree with you? They don’t like what you have to say? Is that really so bad? At least you will have said what you needed to say. Your conscience is clear. You can move forward.If your worst case scenario is that you will be demoted or fired, you have to believe that this organization is not aligned with your values and it’s best to move to one that is. You can’t thrive where truth is unwelcome.
- Stretch yourself in non-conflict moments. It’s even harder to create a new habit if you only practice it when the stress is high, so commit to stretching your new “truth muscles” in the everyday moments. Say one thing you wouldn’t normally say every day. This will help train those muscles so that when the need for truth is highest, you have built up the strength to step into it.
- Remember that you are responsible for your intention and how you show up. You are not responsible for anyone’s reaction. It is disrespectful to respond to someone’s truth with blame, shame, judgement or any other toxic behaviours. If someone is disrespectful to you, that is their weakness to confront, not your responsibility to make right or tip toe around.
- Get comfortable with vulnerability. The fact is, truth feels vulnerable. It’s open, raw and not shrouded in all our self-protective habits and patterns. When someone is unkind in the face of our truth, it can hurt deeply. But here’s another fact: it hurts a lot less, and for a much shorter time than the persistent pain of shoving our truth aside day after day, year after year.
- Be willing to stretch beyond your comfort zone, and be okay if it gets “messy”. Have you ever watched someone fix a car? Often, they have to take things apart and it gets really messy and greasy for a while until the problem is fixed, the mess is cleaned up, and the car is running smoothly again. Mess is nothing to fear as long as you’re willing to see it through. Take 100% responsibility for your world. Your truth opened up a whole can of worms? Good. It probably needed to be opened. Now stay with it. Help sort through the muck and clean up. See. It. Through.
As humans, we learn through our lived experience, and we are all in various states of growth and change. Respect in all areas of life – work included – demands that we honour the human experience. Commit to creating a new lived experience for yourself – one that grows you in the direction of empowerment and self-leadership.
If you would like help getting clarity on your truth and building the confidence to bring it forward with professionalism and respect, I invite you to connect with me.
This is part 1 of a 3-part blog series on speaking your truth at work. In part 2, we’ll explore how you can use mental models to get even greater clarity on the stories holding you in status quo, and how to use those models to create new stories for yourself. Part 3 will specifically guide those in leadership roles on how to cultivate cultures of truth and respect, and the value that brings to organizational success.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Difficult (and all) Times
Boundaries are always important. Especially now. With many people now working from home, many clients have told me they need their own space. I’ve seen everything from meetings in closets, to spaces within spaces, to reimagined furniture. These physical and visual boundaries are great, AND can be helped along by healthy personal boundaries.
What are Healthy Boundaries?
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
~Prentis Hemphill
When you feel safe and free within a space, that’s when you know you have healthy personal boundaries. This is true in a physical space, but what I’m talking about here are emotional, mental and spiritual spaces.
Whenever we feel that our personal “space” – our inner wellbeing – is threatened, crowded, jumbled up, or otherwise not secure, that’s an indicator that we don’t have healthy boundaries in place. This can feel like you’re doing everything to please others, or just to “stay afloat”, like your life force is being sucked out, or like you’re just functioning in survival mode.
The pandemic has shifted so many of our “walls” – our physical spaces, interactions with others, the role of media in our lives, even how we prepare to leave the house – meaning we have to tap into our flexibility to reimagine what healthy boundaries look like for us, then put them into practice.
Boundaries & Fear
Many people are afraid to set boundaries that empower self-love. We’re afraid of rejection or upsetting someone. Afraid of love or affection being withdrawn. Afraid of getting fired. Afraid of being criticized, called selfish or accused of being a bad parent, spouse, friend or child. We fear the loss of whatever carrot is dangled in front of us.
It took me a long time to realize this.
Let me tell you, when you live your life afraid to set boundaries, people just seep right in there with all their ideas, opinions and demands… and it is quite hard to change.
So, if that is where you are starting from, you are not alone. If you’ve set boundaries before, but find they aren’t serving you in your new normal, you aren’t alone in that either.
Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
If you truly want to end the draining, people pleasing cycle, you need boundaries. You have to put walls up against situations and people that cause you to feel less than whole.
In some cases, those walls will build stronger, more vibrant relationships with deeper connection through understanding. In other cases, those walls will be protective, keeping toxic people or situations at bay.
And let’s be clear: Protecting yourself is not selfish! It’s a vital form of self-care.
My Journey
As a child, I was stopped and reprimanded whenever I tried to explore or question, so that I essentially had no voice.
Because I was not allowed to explore, not taught to say NO when I was uncomfortable, always expected to respect adults unconditionally, I never developed self-confidence.
Instead, I grew up believing that my thoughts and feelings were wrong, and that it was up to authority figures to tell me what to think, feel and do.
Not having this confidence created many issues in my life.
My experience was at the extreme (though sadly not uncommon) end of what can happen when a child is denied the right to set boundaries. I didn’t know to speak up when something wasn’t right and the wrong people took advantage of that. I later learned that people who mistreated me went on to do this to others as well, never facing the consequences for what they had done.
There are many ways we can end up abused or taken advantage of when we are not empowered to set our own boundaries – when we are taught that pleasing others matters more than respecting ourselves.
Learning to set boundaries as an adult, I learned that healthy boundaries aren’t just about protecting ourselves from the bad, but also about creating the good things we want. As they guide us away from what isn’t right for us, they guide us towards the relationships, opportunities and pursuits that fuel us from the inside, creating a domino effect within our lives and those of the people around us.
How to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Like I said, setting boundaries is easier said than done. Especially if the people around you are resistant and/or dealing with their own struggles. Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you’re holding others up without caring for yourself, you aren’t being strong. You’re being used. Eventually, you’ll get used up and that’s when burnout sets in.
Here are 12 tips and best practices to strengthen yourself within through holding up your boundaries:
1. Identify where you need to set or adapt boundaries.
If boundaries are the distance at which you can love yourself and the other person simultaneously, where is this missing for you? For this exercise, let’s use the word “love” not in a romantic sense, but a human one – that point at which you can fully love and accept the humanness of yourself, and fully acknowledge and respect the humanness of the other person.
2. Accept the reality of the situation.
You may think, “If I just change this or that, if I just do a little more, if I just do this one thing…” Or you might think, “If they just change this or that …”
In a healthy relationship – personal or professional – no one should have to compromise their values, overextend themselves, put up a false front, or employ any other inauthentic tactic to make things work. That isn’t love, acceptance, or respect. Accept what is and what isn’t.
3. Let go of what they can’t give you.
You could spend your whole life trying to get approval and acceptance from others and never get it. Trust me, I did this a lot. I depleted myself again and again to keep the peace or to gain love. It only ever ended in me burning out.
Whatever you fear losing – that person or their love – face it. Burn those limiting feelings if you have to. Just let it go.
4. Prepare for resistance.
Change can be difficult. The person you’re setting boundaries with may resist the change at first. Prepare yourself to handle this with compassion, but also with confidence and consistency in holding the boundaries you need.
With toxic people, they will likely react negatively. Your boundaries prevent them from continuing on as they want to. That is not your wound to heal.
Remember our definition of boundaries. No part of that says that the other person has to love you. That’s not something you can control. Find the place where you can love yourself and see the humanity of the other person, then stand firm in that place. Where they choose to stand is outside your circle of control and responsibility.
5. Remind yourself of why you’re doing this.
When someone reacts poorly to our boundaries, we’re often tempted to revert back to pre-boundary terms. This is normal. Remind yourself why you started this journey, and that you cannot change others, only yourself. Talk it through with your support person. You need to stick with your new boundaries and having people to support you is essential.
6. Stay alert to red flags.
The person you’re setting boundaries with might try to guilt trip you, call you selfish or inconsiderate, play themselves as victims, gaslight you… They know how to make you feel guilty and how to break down your confidence. They will play on that to try to maintain the status quo.
Be aware of these tactics, stay alert to them, and don’t engage with them.
7. Be conscious of levels of awareness.
When you choose to be intentional about setting healthy boundaries, you’re choosing to act from your highest level of awareness. The person you’re setting boundaries with may be operating from a lower level. In showing up at a higher level, they may be inspired to bring themselves up as well. Or not. It isn’t your responsibility (or within your power) to bring them up. Be open to them rising, but stay firm in not getting pulled down.
8. Always remember that if you want something different, you need to do something different.
Whether setting boundaries is new for you, or you’re adapting boundaries to work in your new reality, changing the way you show up is how you create change in your life. Healthy, intentional, conscious boundaries are one of the most important parts of putting self-acceptance into action; of truly becoming the CEO of your life.
9. If you are a parent, healthy boundaries matter x2.
Setting healthy boundaries with others sets a solid example for your children. Setting healthy boundaries with your children teaches them that boundaries are part of love, not a limit to love. This means also respecting your child’s boundaries. As parents, we can do this by aiming to be their guide, not their dictator. Let them explore, discover and build a solid sense of self. Let them say no. Let them make choices. Show them that boundaries are meant to be respected in a loving relationship by respecting theirs. Of course we can’t let them play in traffic, never take a bath, or forego school, but there are so many boundaries we can respect.
10. Start small.
Some people are so eager for change that they start setting all their boundaries at once and the situation gets crazy. From my experience, both personally and in working with coachees, I recommend setting (or adapting) 1-2 boundaries at a time, before gradually adding more. Give the other person time to swallow and adjust, and yourself the time and clarity to be really intentional in holding your boundaries respectfully.
Yes, it can suck not to do it all at once, and that is the cost of not having set them sooner. Moving forward, remember that this is why it’s so important to have authentic conversations when situations arise. Doing so naturally builds healthy boundaries into the relationship so that there isn’t a jarring or burnout situation down the road.
11. Be mindful of your words.
The way you say it is really important in establishing boundaries. If you are lashing out, for sure that will get a negative reaction. Speak from a heart of peace, not a heart of war (taken from the book, The Anatomy of Peace).
Choose to see the humanity on the other side – a person with needs, wants, fears, desires and struggles just like you. Get curious about what is going on with them. Even if you are “at war”, you can show up with compassion. When you do so, others are more likely to treat you the same way, increasing the likelihood of peace.
12. Know the difference between compassion and capitulation.
Having compassion for someone else’s discomfort is not the same as giving in. Here’s an example of the difference when someone resists your boundaries:
Capitulation: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Maybe we can find a compromise.”
Compassion: “This is hard. I can see you’re upset and I get it. Change can be difficult. This boundary is important for me and I need to stand firm.”
See the difference? Healthy boundaries – the ones we need in order to love ourselves fully – cannot be up for negotiation. Your happiness can’t depend on anyone else’s choices, just as someone else’s happiness can’t depend on yours. Compassion is acknowledging and accepting another person’s discomfort, not taking responsibility for it.
Let’s face it. If setting healthy boundaries were easy, we wouldn’t be facing the burnout epidemic that was rising long before we’d ever heard of Covid. It’s hard, and many of us simply weren’t raised to have confidence in our own inner experience. This isn’t necessarily a failing of previous generations, but an evolution in our understanding of what children need to become healthy adults.
As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better::, do better.”
Be the person today that your child-self needed. Be that person for yourself and for those around you. This is how we create better lives for ourselves that ripple out into a better world. With the pandemic, we have the choice not to “go back to normal” but instead to create an even better normal. So now that we know better for ourselves, let’s do better for ourselves.
If you need help getting clear on your boundaries and putting them in place – either personally or professionally – please connect with me. Let’s make this happen.
Additional resource: 10 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
How to Create Calm and Connection in a Time of Disconnection
Adaptation. It seems to be the name of the game these days. With so many moving parts, continuous change, and a constant stream of unsettling headlines, not to mention the daily ins and outs of managing life during these times… you’ve no doubt felt the impact either physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or all of the above.
I know I’ve felt overwhelmed in many moments, and have found myself continuously needing to adapt, again and again. From the ups and downs of my son’s new school norms, to adapting my business and clients to the new reality, to embarking on much needed home renovations all at the same time… It’s been a lot. On the flip side of that, I also know that for many people it’s the endless days of “sameness”, without the usual activities, social engagements and changes of scenery that has led to a sense of overwhelm.
The Value of a Morning Routine
Even before Covid, my morning routine was sacred, and it’s something I always advise clients to create for themselves. Just as a cell phone needs to be charged up at the start of the day, we also do better when we begin our day fully charged.
By prioritising this “charging up” time before emails, social media, text messages, the day’s headlines or even the weather report, we are practicing intentionality – choosing, before anything else is able to influence us, how we will show up and respond throughout the day.
My morning routine consists of meditations, visualization, stretching, journaling and reading, and involves me waking up at 5 AM. It’s a highly personalized practice that I’ve built and tweaked over several years. When I coach clients, I don’t simply give them the routine that works for me. Instead, I advise them to start with at least 5 minutes of fueling themselves every morning in a way that makes sense for them, and it’s a good way for you to start as well.
Those 5 minutes are for you and you alone. Whether it’s 5 minutes of standing outside or at an open window, 5 minutes of music you love, 5 minutes of reading your favourite quotes, 5 minutes of meditation, 5 minutes of running as fast as you can… make it YOU.
Over time, start increasing the amount of time you spend fueling yourself, and seeing what genuinely fuels you.
Staying Calm During the Chaos of COVID
Once COVID set in and our new (but temporary) conditions persisted, I found that my carefully and self-lovingly cultivated morning routine was not enough to calm my overwhelm. I needed more to fuel myself and to be able to support my clients and those around me.
I started also doing 1-2 minute stretching exercises during the day. I would put my feet on my chair and lay my back on the floor. Try it. It’s amazing what this pose can do in between Zoom calls!
I would also take a few moments during the day to sit on my meditation pillow, close my eyes, put my hands over my heart and take some deep breaths. I also worked to continuously create from what was happening.
All of this helped… but it wasn’t enough.
The overwhelm, anxiety and fatigue kept coming up. I had taken on too much. True, I was saying no to a lot of things and trying to be conscious of my decision making, but there was always something unexpected and outside my control to throw me off.
All of my appliances broke down over the summer. My washing machine spun out of control, smashed into a wall and burst open due to a manufacturers defect. The Ikea kitchen I had ordered was delayed by two weeks, which they only told me about AFTER gutting my existing kitchen… it just seemed to go on and on.
Getting Help
I turned to my guide. Yes, even coaches seek coaching and healing in times of disconnection. After all, how can we coach and heal others unless we are continuously working on becoming the best version of ourselves?
My guide told me, “Melissa, you mastered meditation and tuning into the higher levels of your being. Now you need to master tuning in from the lower levels. You need to connect to Mother Earth more from your root chakra. Your default programming is that you need to do everything on your own, that you can’t depend on anyone. You are taking on too much, not connecting to the earth and not allowing the Universe to support you.” She is one wise sacred woman.
Trusting the invisible
It’s true that I’ve never felt that I could fully lean on someone without being disappointed. And it’s true that this is part of programming, going way back to how I was raised. It’s why I feel the need to not only do things on my own, but to get it “perfect.”
It is an exhausting pattern and not an easy one to change. It takes continual work and support. Asking for help was a step in the right direction, and it pointed me to the next step I needed to take (isn’t it wonderful how when we do the thing we feel in our heart is right for us, that it so naturally brings us to the next right thing?). I needed to truly trust the Universe to support me. That meant getting out of my mind and trusting the invisible.
Needs of Safety and Security
In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the lower levels – the most basic needs of the human being – are physiological and safety needs. If these needs are not met, you can’t reach up to those deeper needs of love, esteem and self-actualization.
There’s a common misconception that once you get those bottom levels sorted out, it’s “all uphill from there” and that isn’t always the case. Life and circumstances are constantly changing, which means shifts can be experienced at all levels of our needs. It’s completely normal, especially in times of chaos and uncertainty, to need to go back to those basic needs. In fact, anytime you experience a sense of overwhelm or turmoil, it can help to look back at those needs, especially that of safety and a feeling of being secure, to see what you need to connect with and strengthen.
For me, it was a sense of disconnection from the earth and the Universe that was at the root of my overwhelm. I was feeling unsupported.
Grounding
My guide’s advice to me was, “Sit down on the earth, your perineum to the ground, for at least 10 minutes a day, weather permitting. Mother Earth is a generator. When your circuitry isn’t plugged into the earth you are not recharging it.”
This is a practice called grounding. According to healthine “Grounding or earthing is a therapeutic technique that focuses on realigning your electrical energy by reconnecting to the earth.”
People practice grounding in different ways. My guide’s advice to me was a particular strategy involving the root chakra, but grounding can also be practiced by simply walking barefoot on the earth, or laying down in the grass with your arms, legs and head in direct contact with the earth. Theories about how it works range from the electrical energy in the earth, to simply the mindfulness of being in direct physical contact with nature.
Oneness
I started following my guide’s advice and felt such a difference. I started to feel a stronger connection with earth. Practicing it daily has helped me trust more, feel more supported, and feel less overwhelmed. I have literally felt more secure in my attachment to the earth.
Grounding helps us connect to the invisible and to feel a sense of Oneness – a feeling of being connected to everything and, therefore, disconnected from nothing.
Dr. Alberto Villoldo is a medical anthropologist who studied healing practices in the Amazon with the Andean shamans. He said, “Until you glimpse non-ordinary, invisible reality, your brain will remain biased toward doubting ‘what’s out there.’ But, when you experience Oneness, the sense of separation dissolves, as you perceive yourself to be an inextricable part of the larger whole.”
If we only work at the level of the mind, we start to lose our mind. We need to trust and lean into the mythic. As Dr. Villodo says, we always need to keep one foot in the physical world and one foot in the spiritual world. To me, this means leaving no stone unturned at a physical and mental level, leaning into the divine, and trusting that my efforts will bear fruit.
Once I got this, I realized that more than half of my clients were going through similar situations, and that it was showing up in their personal and professional lives. I shared my learnings with them and started receiving pictures of them grounding in all kinds of different ways and sceneries. What a powerful way to create connection during such a disconnected time!
Reflections and Moving Forward
My new motto is, “Get your ass sitting on the grass.” This is what’s working for me today. I know I’ll have to modify my practice as the weather changes, but I also know that I’m strengthening my core self right now, which will help me continue to adapt and thrive through whatever the future brings.
As Fred Kofman, leadership development advisor for Google and founder of the Conscious Business Center International, says, “Instead of saying “Oh shit, why is this happening to me?” Try, “Oh fertilizer! How can this make me grow?”
For me, the fertilizer in all of this chaos, and all the ups and downs, was learning how to stay calm during a continuous, seemingly unending storm.
Let’s face it. It’s easy to stay calm when meditating in nature. It’s easy to stay calm when the world around is calm. For some, it can even be easy to stay calm in chaos, so long as you can see the way through. But, how do you bring that calm into the daily chaos, uncertainty and disconnection of life today?
For me, the answer is grounding, feeling Oneness, practicing an energizing morning routine, and healthy eating that nourishes and fuels me. This is how I hold myself in a state of connection and security, empowering me to continually work towards greater self-actualization, always creating from what’s happening around me.
Everyone’s path to connection is unique to them, but there are frameworks that can be used by anyone to create that unique path. These are things like a good morning routine, healthy habits that work for your lifestyle, and mindfulness practices that align with the energy you want to create.
If you need guidance on how to connect with the best parts of you – despite what’s happening around you, and even using what’s happening around you – please connect with me.
How Authentic Are Your Business Conversations?
Something I hear over and over again from different clients is that they keep leaving business conversations without having said what they really wanted to say, without getting the answers they needed to move forward, and without getting commitments to put things into action.
This is a struggle I know well – not just because a huge part of coaching focuses on having better conversations, but because I lived that struggle for many years myself.
So… why do so many of us struggle to get anything meaningful out of conversations?
I’ve worked with people all over the world, and this struggle seems to transcend culture. Across the globe, people are afraid to speak what is on their mind. They are afraid to have authentic business conversations either because they fear the other person’s reaction or opinion, fear being rejected or their ideas not being important, or they fear the other person’s position and how they might handle the information.
The bottom line is fear. And let me tell you, fear is a powerful feeling.
But, let me ask you… how authentic are your business conversations? How much do you leave unsaid? How is that serving you?
The Co-Active Training Institute says, “A leader is one who is responsible for their world.”
As someone who is responsible for their world, you have it within your control to change the course of your conversations. You have the capability to enter conversations with authenticity and leave them feeling more fulfilled.
How can you do that? It’s all in how you choose to show up.
Here are 14 ways you can optimize how you show up in order to create authentic business conversations that genuinely move things forward:
1. Take control of your mindset and attitude going into the conversation.
You feel like every conversation you have goes the same way. So why assume the next one will be any different? Well, one thing that absolutely can be different is the mindset and attitude you adopt going in.
Connect with your higher self, the Universe, your purpose before going into the conversation. Connect with your values.
Set the intention to speak from your heart and with the utmost respect.
Look for the connection point and latch onto that. Even if there is just 1% you like or respect in the other person, focus on that 1%. What you focus on, expands. It’s where growth happens.
Don’t go in as a tyrant. Make a commitment, here and now, to abandon the “I am right, you are wrong” mindset. Go in with curiosity, treating the other person as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, with the mindset that perhaps they can contribute to the situation something that you can’t.
Attitude is everything. You are responsible for the energy you bring into the conversation. Don’t be toxic or attempt to make someone feel powerless or in the wrong. Go into it with the intention to resolve, not win.
2. Own your part of it.
As Fred Kofman, PhD, Google’s leadership development advisor, and author of the book Conscious Business says, “Our goal is to explore each other’s reasoning, to understand why we think what we think. We need to assume that we have contributed to the current situation and explore our role in it.”
Yes, it might be hard to admit, and you might not see it right away, but you have contributed to the situation in some way. The sooner you are ready to see and accept that, the sooner you can open up a new way of looking at the situation and new possibilities can emerge.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about responsibility. Blame lives in the past. Responsibility strives to move forward.
3. Know your BATNA.
“How do I feel about this? What is important to me? In a perfect world, what would my ideal end result look like? What am I willing to settle for?”
This is your BATNA, or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.
Get clear on your best alternative before going in. By knowing your BATNA beforehand, you are able to go in with clarity on what you will or will not agree to.
When we leave a conversation feeling that nothing was accomplished or that we compromised on something we shouldn’t have, it’s usually because we lacked this clarity.
When you are confident in your BATNA in advance, you know where you need to stand firm and are free to be flexible in other areas.
4. Explore the other side; be curious!
Truly listen. Summarize what was said. Acknowledge their concerns. Confirm and validate them. Show empathy and convey that you care.
Always talk from your heart. “I hear you… I respect you… your demands are reasonable… here is what is happening and what is possible at this moment… “
Above all, stay curious. When someone speaks, assume you have no idea what they’re about to say (instead of assuming you know exactly what they’ll say, which so many do out of habit) and truly listen.
5. Practice “level 3 listening”.
Listening is more than just hearing words. It’s about building connection.
Level 1 listening is extremely common. This is where we’re maybe hearing the words of the other person, but our main focus is on our own opinions, judgements, what we’ll say next and so on.
At level 2, we turn our focus onto the other person more fully, hearing not just their words, but also noticing their body language, tone of voice, energy, direction of their gaze, everything.
At level 3, we’re still tuned into all the level 2 listening cues, but we now add in our intuition and mirror back what we’re seeing, hearing and intuiting. All without judgement or investment in the outcome – purely from a curiosity mindset. That may sound something like this: “I hear your concerns and I see where you’re coming from. I feel like you’re holding back something you want to say. What’s up?”
It’s a really strong skill that helps people open up and be themselves. Even if they aren’t ready to open up, having you show up in that way helps them feel seen and truly heard, which is where true connection is formed and progress can begin.
6. Ask powerful questions to start excavating.
Imagine yourself as a conversational archeologist. You want to uncover what’s way beneath the surface but to do that, you have to gently start clearing away what’s at the surface. You can do this by asking open questions that really get people thinking.
You might try questions like, “What is most important to you? What does that look like to you? If you could have any role, what would that be?”
Ask questions to get the person thinking about what is going on and what they want to create, not to just repeat stories they can tell to anyone. Amazing things can surface in this way.
7. Do your part and initiate the authenticity.
Whether the other person is being authentic or not, choose to take responsibility for your part and be authentic. It’s very common that we tend to move ourselves to the level of the person we’re interacting with. Instead of being the one doing the moving, harness that phenomenon by being the one to set the tone of authenticity. This keeps you at your highest level and gives the other person the opening to rise to your level. Whether or not they take that opening is up to them.
Committing to the level of authenticity brings good karma as you are treating people the way you would like to be treated. It isn’t easy to be authentic, but what is the cost of not being authentic? If we don’t speak our truth, we stay in the same place. Don’t let that be an option.
Either the person or the issue is important to you. Do your part by speaking up.
Remember, leaders have opinions. Bring energy to your point and don’t let it get shut down. Yes, in previous tips I’ve encouraged you to acknowledge and accept the other person’s point of view. But acceptance is not acquiescence! It’s respecting the diversity of perspectives and experiences, and being open to alternative points of view. It does not mean compromising your values.
You can impact the energy in a conversation. Choose to be a leader in the conversation rather than a victim.
8. Be mindful of the words you say (and don’t say).
Speak from your point of view using open ended phrases. For example, try “The way I see it… The way I feel…” and so on vs. “We should do this… This is how it is going to be…” You want to co-create, not dictate.
Avoid attacking, blaming or taking a superior tone. Treat others as equal co-creators and believe that they truly can be equal co-creators.
Avoid phrases like, “You did this,” or “You should… ”. These phrases are loaded with judgment – intended or not – and tend to put people on the defensive.
Instead, try phrases like, “I would like…”, “It would help if…” or “I feel we would both benefit from…”
Don’t punish by withdrawing if you don’t get what you want. Remember that this is about resolving the problem to everyone’s benefit. Stay open. Keep asking, “What else is possible?” Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It might be uncomfortable speaking authentically, but better to be uncomfortable than to hold in anger and resentment, which will only spill over into other areas of your life. As Brene Brown, American professor, lecturer, author and podcast host says, “Discomfort over resentment.”
9. Bring out the left-hand column.
What’s the left-hand column? The LHC (or left-hand column) refers to everything going on in your head during a conversation that you choose NOT to share.
We hold back our LHC either because it’s toxic, (“Is this person crazy? Are they smoking something?”), or it could be gratitude and admiration you hold back because it’s uncomfortable, or maybe you don’t feel comfortable sharing your unique thoughts out of fear (“What will people think? What if I upset someone?”).
Try this:
- Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of it.
- In the right-hand column, write out a conversation you recently had with someone.
- In the left-hand column, write out what you wanted to say at each step of the conversation, but you did not say, or what you were thinking or feeling during the conversation, but kept to yourself.
When we do this exercise, that LHC often comes out a lot longer than the right hand column. In an authentic conversation, however, that LHC would significantly decrease.
If you have a lengthy LHC, chances are high the other person does too. Start being open about yours in a professional way and chances are you will open up the space for the other person to be upfront about theirs as well. So much more is possible from this place!
Going into a meeting, be aware of what might be on your LHC ahead of time and set the intention to try to bring as much of that forward as possible. How would sharing your LHC impact the conversation, your relationship, or how you feel in the conversation? What is the impact of not sharing it?
There are facts, feelings, expectations and assumptions we each have that the other person might not be aware of, which will contribute to a better conversation.
Acknowledge the LHC. Make room for it at the table, whether it’s in a one-on-one conversation, with your team, or even your family.
Of course, some things should stay on the LHC. I’ve yet to ask someone, mid-conversation, “Are you smoking something??” And I think I’ll keep it that way ;)
10. Choose how you will respond.
If you get triggered, notice where you are triggered. It’s an indication of what you need to heal and not necessarily connected to the moment. This is where respond vs. react comes into play. When we aren’t fully aware of our triggers and their source, we’re more likely to react when something comes up. When we have that awareness, we’re able to interact responsively, rather than reactively.
Be alert to what makes you shut down and what makes you open up so that you can be intentional in choosing how you will respond.
11. Align around a common purpose.
“Are our values aligned? Is there a common purpose? Is there a mutually beneficial agreement?”
A common purpose gives people something to continually work towards, together. It can also move conversations away from battleground-style conditions and towards an “us together” mindset where co-creation is possible.
Keep aligning on what you can agree on and grow from there.
12. Check in on how others are feeling during the conversation.
It’s important to acknowledge others’ feelings as it helps you have more authentic conversations and assures the people you’re connecting with that they are a valued part of this interaction.
Ask questions like: “How do you feel about what I said? What comes up when I say that? How do you see things? Have I addressed your concerns?”
13. Keep in mind where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.
There really is so much within our control and a great deal of responsibility that we can take on in a progressive way. However, it’s equally important to be aware of those boundaries where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. That’s as much about caring for yourself as it is about respecting another person’s areas of self-authority, regardless of what they choose to do with them.
For instance, if someone is dead set on getting a deliverable from you, but delivering on that date would mean compromising a higher priority item, say something like: “If I don’t get this high priority item out, what will I say during my presentation to the team? I will have nothing to report and our schedule will be off track.”
Put yourself in their shoes and understand their concern (remember, acceptance and acknowledgement are not acquiescence). Remind them of the priorities of the organization as a whole and where you have to put your efforts and priorities to align with those of the organization. As for their deadlines, have compassion for them and encourage them to have authentic conversations with their teams as to why certain things can’t be met at certain deadlines and what is possible instead.
For many of us, maintaining these clear boundaries can bring feelings of guilt. That’s a trigger that needs your inward exploration, not your external capitulation. When you make decisions that align with organizational priorities, personal values, a common purpose, etc., someone may feel let down in the moment, but that feeling is theirs to explore. Ultimately, you have done the opposite of let anyone down. You’ve embraced the discomfort necessary to continually move in the right direction. That’s leadership.
14. Don’t leave the conversation without moving forward.
Try not to let a conversation end until:
- You have fully expressed your thoughts;
- You’ve gained needed clarity on a situation;
- Your questions have been answered, or commitments (with a set date) have been made to follow up with answers;
- Or next steps have been determined.
Never leave a conversation without feeling it has moved forward in some way. If there is a time constraint, set a firm date and time for when you’ll pick the conversation up again.
When you are not authentic, people feel it, instinctively. And it backfires. When you are being you, you shine. You are happier and freer. You are also more productive, most likely because it’s exhausting trying to keep up being someone that is not authentically you. When you choose to sit in discomfort rather than leave things to fester, you are actively doing the hard work of leadership. When you take down the walls, the LHCs, you become energized. People around you feel more comfortable and inspired to do the same.
Just imagine what a company full of authentic, engaged, openly communicating employees can achieve!
Authenticity always brings more authenticity and can shift any situation or conversation. Choose to set that tone.
If you need some coaching around having better conversations at work or in your personal life to help move you forward, connect with me.
When Do You Dare Bring the True You Out?
I was at my leadership training with the Co-Active Training Institute in North Carolina recently when I got a call from my mom. She told me my grandmother was not doing well. She had pneumonia, wasn’t talking, the antibiotics weren’t working, her kidneys were failing…
It was Thursday and my flight home was booked for late Monday night. I told her I would go see my grandmother as soon as I arrived on Monday.
“She probably won’t make it till Monday,” she told me.
My body froze and I felt a pain in my heart. My grandmother? Although she is 91 years old, I could not accept her dying without me saying one final goodbye. She was my rock; my safe space. She was the person that consistently gave me unconditional love, accepting me fully for exactly who I was. She always stood by me no matter what, encouraged whatever choices I made and always gave me great advice, all while respecting who I was and the choices I was making. She was always joyful and positive. She was really important in my life, especially growing up. She was full of life and would say so many things that most grandparents would not even mention to their grandchildren like, “You need to eat well, you know. You burn 1000 calories when you have sex.” She was full of surprises!
What was I to do? I am part of a 10 month leadership program in a tribe of 26 people that I love. The program is truly meaningful to me and my life purpose, and if I miss a training day (there are 4 weeks of live training over 10 months), I can’t continue with the same tribe.
What was I to do?
I couldn’t imagine not saying goodbye to my grandmother, and I also couldn’t imagine leaving my leadership tribe.
I decided I had to ask for help from the people around me and the Universe. I don’t typically like asking for help but, in this case, I could not do it alone. In leadership training, we’re taught that asking for help is important because there is simply no way we could make it as great leaders by doing things alone. To continuously move forward, learn, grow and succeed, we have to open up to leaning into the experience, strength and energy of the amazing people surrounding us.
Summoning Help
I asked my tribe mates if, at the end of our training day, we could gather together and put out good thoughts for my grandmother.
They all happily agreed.
So there we were, all of us sitting in a circle. I had a picture of my grandmother out and lit some candles. I shared stories about her and how she inspired me. She used to tell me how, during the Hungarian Revolution, she was working in a hospital. When bombs would drop, everyone who could duck would until the bombs passed. She would duck and pray hard. When she would get up, so many people around her would be dead and she would feel so grateful to be alive. Her unending positivity was so impressive. She has always been a role model of strength, love, joy and lightness. Of being her truest self, bravely and unapologetically. Of turning towards gratitude no matter what. I asked everyone to send her prayers to hold on until I made it back so that I could say my final goodbyes.
Everyone did so with a loving heart. I was so grateful to each of these beautiful souls. The tribe even took it up a notch, taking co-creation to a whole new level. They asked their own family members up in heaven to welcome my grandmother when she arrived. One of them even said she had a charming uncle who would be happy to accompany her. Another advised her to stay away from her dad as he wasn’t good news. So much love, humour and lightness was created. I felt my grandmother was in great hands and would leave this world in peace and love.
Then, one of my teachers (in leadership we call them ‘Leader in Front’) presented the idea that, if it felt right, I could open it up so we could send love and positive vibes to other people who were sick or who had passed.
And we did this. Quite a few of my tribe members talked about friends or family members that were not well and needed love sent their way. We all sent lots of love to each of these people.
It was a beautiful evening and we all connected on a deeper level.
Continuous Miracles
The next day, one of my tribe members came up to me crying saying as we were sending love out the night before, someone she was thinking of passed over at that exact time. She thanked me for doing the circle as she felt that she sent love to her friend as she was passing. As a result, she felt a heart of peace that she had sent her love at that time.
I made it home and my grandmother was still alive. Not only was she alive, but her fever broke, the antibiotics kicked in, the light had come back on inside her and she started talking again!! It was truly miraculous.
I then heard feedback from my tribe mates…
“Goosebumps! You KNEW it and it was so. ❤️”
“More miracles: the boyfriend (88) of my mother (84) almost died last week after 2 boughts of pneumonia in a row. He was the one I honoured in this circle of intention. And he has had a miraculous recovery also this weekend. So thank you all!!! You are powerful beyond measure when putting your energies together!”
“My grandmother (who I honored in the circle) is out of the hospital and in rehab, and will go home shortly!!!”
“I had a number of people in my halo of thought that night – one being my husband who is going through a wicked hard time. When I arrived home on Sunday night, his face was brighter than I have seen it in a long time.”
I couldn’t believe it. Then my Leaders in Front told me:
“What a wonderful example of the impact of intention.”
“Wow– u are one powerful leader…thank u for guiding us all into a world where we can create without effecting. One of your quests is to bring more of this into the world.”
More of Me???
More of this??? Lots of people call this type of thing “woowoo”. Me? Bring more woowoo into the world? These are just my beliefs and although I truly believe in them, are they something for me to bring forward? How can I bring more of this into the world without being labelled? Without tons of judgment and assumptions? How can I bring this into corporate environments?
What I do know is that the effects of the intention circle for my grandmother were exponential. A lot of people who thought that things like this were “woowoo” are not believers. But, a lot of people got inspired and wanted to learn more. They got inspired to start putting their true selves out there. The power of many people sending love and light into the world can create miracles.
When you do drop your masks, when you do things that feel good and from the heart, things that you truly believe in, when your thoughts, words, actions, heart and soul are aligned, everything is possible.
I believe my grandmother is one of the people that came to this earth to always look out for me. She supported me unconditionally her whole life. Even as she is getting ready to leave this world, she gave me the best gift ever: a situation where I had to ask for help, where I created true community, and – most importantly – where I could be 100% me.
Bringing More of the Essence of you Forward
Since this experience, I’ve decided that one of my leadership quests is to bring more of this part of me into the world.
I am not quite sure yet how I will do it, but I have promised myself to bring a little more of it forward each day by sharing my true beliefs with everyone, no matter the situation, supporting others that share their true selves, and inspiring others to bring their true selves forward. And, just as that powerful experience presented itself to me at my leadership training, I am opening myself to more opportunities that may come my way. Only by each of us dropping our masks can we create true, heartfelt connection. When we do, we create beautiful, infinite possibilities.
Heart-Based Leadership Makes People and Businesses Come Alive
Let me tell you… trying to live up to something external, rather than living as who you are meant to be, is exhausting.
I know it and, if you’re like many people, you probably know it too.
See, most of us are brought up to go against our natural flow. Whether it comes from family, community, religion, education, colleagues… somewhere along the way, we’re taught to live up to something outside of ourselves. We’re given a set of values, beliefs and expectations, rather than encouraged to connect with, and develop, those that are naturally within us.
No wonder we’re all exhausted!
For anyone in a leadership position, this becomes even more exhausting. Why? Because how can we bring out the best in others, when we are disconnected from the best in ourselves?
Leading to Please
Leading to please makes gaining the acceptance or approval of others a top priority, which takes energy and focus away from developing your best self, and bringing your best self to your role.
It also splits your focus. Instead of aligning your focus and personal values with the values, purpose and objectives of the organization, you are tied up with anxiety over how your efforts are received by others.
Sometimes, without even realizing it, this anxiety can take the form of:
- Taking full credit for the work of your team
- Mistaking fear for respect and leading with an “iron fist”
- Making decisions based on what makes you look best, instead of what’s best for the team or business
- Undermining or ignoring the unique strengths of team members
- Failure to learn from mistakes or acknowledge them
- Distraction
- Feeling overwhelmed by expectations
- Over-competitiveness
This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Typically, these behaviours come from over-personalizing your role and results. Instead of accepting yourself as you are, you seek acceptance externally, giving everything around you a lot more power over you.
When you need outside approval:
- Mistakes are personal failures instead of opportunities to learn
- A team member’s strength is a personal threat instead of an asset to the team
- Image has priority over growth
- Personal success has priority over team or company success
When this happens, there is no trust. There are no shared values within the team. There is no true leadership. The team becomes dysfunctional and blame becomes the norm.
True Leadership
True leadership is about leading yourself first, knowing your impact, and taking responsibility. This might mean unlearning who you are – or who you’ve always thought you need to be – and learning who you want, and have the potential, to be.
Through self-acceptance, you can drop the anxiety and gain the clarity and confidence to lead from your heart, inspiring and guiding those around you to do the same.
Think of a horse jumping over a fence. The horse throws its heart out front, so the rest of itself must follow.
Throw your heart out front. Be vulnerable. Be real. Be open to your own strengths and weaknesses, and you will empower your team to do the same. You will build trust. You will establish a culture of growth. You, your team and the overall organization will begin to come alive. And together, you will move forward.
Heart Based Leadership
This approach to leadership is sometimes called heart based leadership, and it’s a powerful way to connect across age, gender and culture. But it requires you, as a leader, to work on yourself first.
Do the work to get in touch with what you need to improve, then be open about it with your team. Talk about what you want to work on, how you will do it and what end result you want to create.
You don’t have to dig into deeply personal details. Instead, say things like, “I’ve realized that I tend to over-personalize feedback. I’ve started working with a coach and learned that I need to develop my inner strength and self-acceptance in order to take feedback less personally. I’m going to continue working on this with my coach with the goal of becoming a more supportive leader with whom you all feel comfortable speaking openly.”
Open up, share, and ask others how they feel. Co-create together at a heart level; at a vulnerable level. Be willing to put yourself out there. Don’t hide. When you do this, you create power in your world. You activate it within yourself, and it spreads out to others.
Why This Matters
Vulnerability is hard – for everyone. But vulnerability is the starting point of growth. All it takes is one person to start it – to be the leader – and others will follow.
When that happens, amazing connections are made. People let their walls down and start supporting each other, collaborating and helping each other succeed. They come alive in ways that feed the life of your business. Instead of competitiveness, bickering, defensiveness and lack of motivation, you get cooperation, progress, engagement and joyful energy that propels everyone forward.
So, are you ready to lead from your heart? Can you really afford not to? If you are looking for guidance in bringing out the heart-based leader within you, or within your organization, contact me to discuss where you are now, and where you want to be.
This post was first published in Entrepreneur.com.
What Happens When You Want to Take Back a Yes?
Tell me, have you ever said “yes” to something, then had second thoughts?
I strongly believe in being impeccable in my word. When I commit to something, I do my best to follow through on promises I’ve made.
Recently, I made a commitment. I said “yes”. But, when it came time to follow through, I had doubts.
I was interviewed on a radio show. When I was first approached to be on, I researched the host. She seemed very knowledgeable, and I said yes. Part of that agreement was that I would promote the interview afterwards.
The interview went well. We talked about the coaching industry, the role of a coach and techniques that can help you start taking real steps towards creating the life you truly want (starting with uncovering what it is you actually want!). I was looking forward to sharing the interview.
And then I listened to it.
Oh my goodness.
The ads!
I know it’s about the interview and not the commercials around it, but these were just completely not me. Eerie, even! I won’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say that if I had heard the commercials before saying yes, my answer would have been different.
What was I to do? I had made a commitment and I try my best to live by Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, one of which is to always be impeccable with your word.
I had to honor my promise, despite my second thoughts.
So I shared the interview, but I shared it honestly. I wrote a newsletter that told my subscribers what they would get from the interview, but also forewarned them about the ads. Then, I shared my lessons, because another tenet I aim to live by is to always find the lesson; to not see mistakes as mistakes, but as opportunities to grow.
Here are the lessons I shared:
- You can’t control every circumstance. But you can control how you react to it. Those ads are not right for me. But being true to my word is an important value for me. So I’ve opted to take the path that is aligned with my values and promote the interview, as promised.
- Do your research before committing to anything. Whether it’s a media opportunity, a partner, a job, a business proposition… don’t be afraid to ask questions and get clarity. After all, it is your brand, your life, your reputation. Honor it!
- You can’t always be impeccable with your word. In this case, I’ve chosen to stand by my commitment. But what if the ads had been abusive or hateful, rather than simply bizarre? Sticking to my commitment would not have been a viable option. If it means being true to your core values, recognize that there may be times when you have to go back on your word. Then learn from it.
Do you have trouble being impeccable with your word? Do you often find yourself saying “yes” or “no” then having second thoughts? Perhaps you’re having issues with accountability or follow-through in your organization?
The root of the problem may be in understanding your core values or the values of your organization. I can help. Contact me to discuss where you are at, where you want to be and how I can help get you there.
Wishing you an energizing day!
Melissa
This article was first featured in Entrepreneur.com.
Mélissa inspire des milliers de gens
Mélissa Dawn est la fondatrice de PDG de votre vie. En tant que conférencière motivationnelle, coach de vie et d’affaires, auteure, praticienne énergétique et autrefois VP marketing, Mélissa élabore des présentations non-conventionnelles, drôles et inspirantes qui aident les gens à se découvrir sous un tout nouveau jour et à prendre le contrôle de tous les aspects de leur vie. Elle est aussi l’auteure du livre I Attract What I Am: Transform Failure into an Orgasmically Joyful Life and Business, classé meilleur vendeur international sur Amazon. Mélissa a aidé des milliers de personnes à devenir PDG de leur vie professionnelle et personnelle avec confiance, succès et bonheur.
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