Montrez-vous votre côté bizarre au travail?

May 9, 2021/in Leadership, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Je suis curieuse … avez-vous l’impression de pouvoir être totalement vous-même au travail, vos petits côtés bizarres et tout ? Si la réponse est non, vous n’êtes pas seul !

Tel que discuté dans ce segment télévisé à Global TV la plupart d’entre-nous avons un “moi au travail” et un “moi à la maison”. Lorsque nous nous présentons au travail chaque jour, il est commun de croire que nous devons laisser certains aspects de nous-mêmes à la maison. Il en va de même lorsque nous rentrons à la maison. Mais cela nous laisse avec le sentiment d’être incomplet; comme s’il nous manquait quelque chose. Lorsque nous choisissons de cacher des parties de nous-mêmes, ce que nous minimisons en fait, c’est l’opportunité d’avoir plus d’impact, de s’épanouir et de vivre une croissance plus complète en tant que personne.

Il est temps que vous arrêtiez de vous cacher. Il faut commencer à être vrai au travail – vos bizarreries, vos fantaisies, votre “tout”. Soyez complètement vous, pas seulement la moitié.

Qu’est-ce que je veux dire par “bizarreries” ?

Ce que nous croyons bizarre à propos de nous-même et qu’on cache parfois, n’est pas du tout bizarre en fait. C’est généralement notre plus grande force. Les gens parlent de créativité, d’innovation, d’authenticité… le mot “bizarre” englobe tout cela… votre côté «bizarre» est votre contribution unique… votre essence.

Vous pourriez avoir peur de présenter une idée parce qu’elle est insolite… mais que vont penser les gens ? Ou encore hésiter à poser des questions sur un projet parce que cela dépasse votre mandat habituel … mais que vont penser les gens ? Vous pourriez ne pas prendre la parole lors des réunions… mais que vont penser les gens ? Nous laissons les opinions hypothétiques des autres dicter quelles parties de nous-mêmes se manifestent. Le résultat ? Les meilleures parties de nous, les plus fortes et les plus uniques sont étouffées.

Laissez votre côté bizarre briller !

Nous montrons souvent des visages différents de nous-même et c’est épuisant. Ce n’est pas sain. Si vous n’êtes pas aligné avec qui vous êtes vraiment, ça vous draine et ça peut se retourner contre vous. Vous vous sentez insatisfait, ennuyé, démotivé et surtout sous-estimé parce que… vous ne vous valorisez pas!

Comme le dit Brene Brown, nous devons choisir le courage plutôt que le confort. Choisissez le courage. Choisissez de laisser votre côté bizarre se manifester et briller.

Plus facile à dire qu’à faire.

Si vous avez suivi mes infolettres et mes articles de blog, vous savez que je préconise une évolution en étapes concrètes. Faire ressortir son caractère unique n’est pas facile. Il faut avant tout une acceptation totale de vous-même et de votre situation actuelle. Pour vous aider à y parvenir, voici les 5 étapes:

1. Posez-vous les bonnes questions

Beaucoup d’entre nous gardons notre côté bizarre caché depuis si longtemps que nous ne savons même pas ce qui nous rend bizarre ou unique. Ces questions ont pour but de vous aider à retrouver le cœur de qui vous êtes.

Demandez-vous:

Qu’est-ce qui me rend heureux ?
Qu’est-ce qui compte le plus pour moi ?
Quelles sont mes 5 valeurs principales et pourquoi ?

Cherchez profondément et soyez vulnérable avec vous-même. Ne pensez pas à ce que “devraient” être vos réponses. Ressentez vos réponses. Qu’est-ce qui vous fait vibrer ?

L’une de mes valeurs fondamentales est la spiritualité. Encore maintenant, beaucoup de gens pensent que c’est bizarre ou décalé, donc à l’époque où je travaillais dans une start-up, il n’était pas question de montrer cette partie de moi-même. Pourtant, l’environnement de travail était difficile et je croyais fermement que l’énergie stagnante était à l’origine des problèmes.

À la maison, je pratiquais une technique appelée fumigation – essentiellement, j’agite des feuilles de sauge brûlantes ou un bâton de palo santo autour d’une pièce, permettant à la fumée d’évacuer l’énergie stagnante. Le principe est d’inviter l’énergie positive à prendre cette place. Je pensais que ça pourrait aider l’entreprise à prospèrer, mais comment imaginer la réaction des gens si je commençais à faire un rituel de purification durant la journée de travail ?

J’ai donc décidé d’arriver au bureau très tôt un matin pour “fumiger”, afin que personne ne puisse voir mon côté «bizarre». Eh bien, qui est entré en plein milieu de mon rituel ? L’un des fondateurs de l’entreprise bien sûr ?! J’ai paniqué et j’ai laissé échapper: “Je ne fais qu’enlever l’énergie stagnante !” Le regard qu’il m’a lancé a tout dit. Il m’a trouvé bizarre. Mais il devait se préparer à une réunion importante avec les investisseurs, alors il a simplement dit: «Nous en parlerons plus tard», et il est parti. Oh oh.

Quelques heures plus tard, il vient me trouver et… “Melissa, quoi que tu fasses, continue de le faire !” La réunion s’était très bien déroulée et l’entreprise avait obtenu un bon investissement. Wow !

J’ai choisi de mettre tout mon moi – bizarreries et tout le reste – au travail et non seulement cela ne s’est pas retourné contre moi, mais je me sentais maintenant plus heureuse et épanouie dans mon travail. D’autres personnes ont commencé à laisser tomber leur masque et à montrer leur vraie nature au travail. C’était comme un effet domino étonnant qui a rafraîchi et motivé tout le bureau !

2. Vous ne pouvez pas changer ce que vous n’acceptez pas

Comme je l’ai mentionné, l’acceptation de soi est la clé. Aimez-vous complètement; les parties sombres, lumineuses, compliquées et humaines de vous-même. Tout cela c’est vous et tout cela mérite votre pleine acceptation. Il est normal de vouloir changer des parties de vous-même. Génial, le changement c’est la croissance. Mais vous ne pourrez pas changer ce que vous n’acceptez pas.

Les gens disent souvent: «Je serai heureux quand…

Je perdrai 30 livres…
J’aurai une promotion…
Je me marierai…
J’aurai le boulot… la Ferrari… la maison… »

Ne limitez pas votre bonheur. Si vous vous critiquez constamment à propos de ce que vous n’avez pas, vous ne pouvez pas avancer. Vous devez accepter où vous en êtes maintenant. Donnez-vous l’approbation, l’amour, la reconnaissance et le soutien que vous méritez. Une personne aimée a une base solide qui lui permet de se développer, s’épanouir. Faites-le pour vous.

3. Soyez honnête sur ce qui vous bloque

C’est le moment de regarder ce qu’il en est vraiment. Je suis pour le fait de sortir les gens de leur zone de confort et de les aider à retrouver leur force et leur pouvoir. Il est temps de jeter un regard honnête sur ce qui vous limite vraiment. Demandez-vous quels masques doivent être enlevés !

Mon travail consiste à amener les gens là où ils veulent être. Cela signifie de déterminer d’abord ce qui les retient. Quand vous pensez à ce vous voulez, ou à ce que vous voulez mettre de l’avant, quelles pensées ou croyances vous arrêtent ? Faites l’inventaire de vos excuses et choisissez d’arrêter de les rationaliser.

Vous voulez être plus heureux. Pourquoi laisser quelque chose vous gêner ?

4. À qui donnez-vous le micro ?

Beaucoup de gens pensent qu’ils ne sont pas assez courageux, assez forts, assez intelligents… D’où viennent ces croyances ?

Pour moi, c’était toujours: «Que vont penser les gens ? Que diront-ils ? Quelles que soient les peurs qui vous traversent l’esprit, affrontez-les. Ne donnez pas de pouvoir à ces voix négatives. Je les appelle les Gremlins et ils prospèrent grâce à la peur. Arrêtez de donner le micro à vos Gremlins – cette partie de vous qui ne veut pas réussir; qui veut rester dans la zone de confort. C’est un énorme obstacle que j’observe chaque jour avec mes clients. Arrêtez de donner du pouvoir à vos peurs.

Comment affronter vos Gremlins ? Jouez-le dans votre esprit ou même prenez des notes. Pour moi, à l’époque, je me suis dit: «Ok, qu’est-ce que les gens vont dire ? Eh bien, quel est vraiment le pire qu’ils puissent dire? Que je fais brûler du sauge et que je médite ? C’est un peu bizarre ? » Bien sûr, je préfère que les gens ne pensent pas cela, mais ce n’est vraiment pas si bizarre. Répondez à vos Gremlins, volez leur pouvoir; volez leur micro !

Ensuite, donnez ce micro à cette voix intérieure, si fabuleuse, qui vous pousse en avant.

5. Définissez l’intention de mettre de l’avant votre côté leader, «bizarre», au quotidien

Eye

Se masquer, que ce soit au travail ou à la maison, est une habitude acquise durant toute votre vie. Changer cette habitude nécessite une intention – faire intentionnellement les choses différemment jusqu’à ce que les nouveaux comportements deviennent la référence, l’habitude.

Alors vient maintenant la partie la plus difficile: mettre ce plan en action. Cela demande du courage. Il faut s’accepter pleinement – vos côtés sombres et lumineux. Il faut vouloir faire ressortir le meilleur de vous-même et ne pas avoir peur de vous dévoiler. C’est tellement gratifiant.

Comme le disait Meryl Streep, “Ce qui vous rend différent ou bizarre, c’est ça votre force. ” Au fur et à mesure que vous progressez (étape 5), rappelez-vous que ce que vous mettez de l’avant c’est votre point fort.

Posez-vous la question: «Quelle contribution ou essence unique de moi voudrais-je mettre de l’avant ?»

Choisissez de faire une chose, chaque jour, qui s’aligne avec votre leader intérieur et vous rapproche de votre vie idéale. Cela peut signifier prendre la parole lors de réunions, travailler sur un projet parallèle, demander à un collègue pour du mentorat ou des conseils, envisager des ateliers ou des programmes pour faire avancer votre carrière, méditer à l’heure du lunch ou même vous asseoir avec votre patron pour discuter de votre avenir.

Il s’agit de vous aligner sur vos valeurs, vos forces, ce qui vous rend unique et attirant… et le faire au travail vous amènera à de nouveaux sommets de créativité, de collaboration, d’engagement et de productivité.

Enfin, êtes-vous prêt à faire montrer votre côté «bizarre», votre leader intérieur, votre unicité ? Que ce soit dans votre vie personnelle ou professionnelle, je suis là pour vous guider vers une pleine acceptation de vous-même et à une réelle évolution personnelle. Si vous souhaitez des conseils de coaching et quelqu’un pour vous accompagner dans votre cheminement, contactez-moi. Réalisons-le ensemble !

Comment définir ses limites personnelles dans les moments difficiles (et en tout temps)

May 9, 2021/in Leadership, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Les limites sont importantes. Spécialement maintenant, avec le télétravail. En effet, de nombreux clients me confient qu’ils ont besoin de leur propre espace. J’ai même vu des réunions dans les placards ou même des pièces complètement réinventées pour mieux délimiter l’espace de travail. Ces limites physiques et visuelles sont excellentes ET peuvent être favorisées par des limites personnelles saines.

Des limites personnelles saines ?

“Les limites personnelles c’est la distance à laquelle je peux t’aimer et m’aimer simultanément.”
~Prentis Hemphill

Lorsque vous vous sentez en sécurité et libre dans un espace, vous savez que vos limites personnelles sont respectées. C’est vrai dans un espace physique, mais ce dont je veux vous parler, c’est plutôt la notion d’espace émotionnel, mental et spirituel.

Chaque fois que nous sentons que notre «espace» personnel, notre bien-être, est menacé, embrouillé ou en danger, cela indique que nous n’avons pas établi de saines limites personnelles. Vous pouvez avoir l’impression que vous faites tout pour plaire aux autres ou «rester à flot», comme si votre force vitale était aspirée ou comme si vous fonctionniez en mode survie.

La pandémie a changé beaucoup de nos «fondations» – nos espaces physiques, nos interactions avec les autres, le rôle des médias dans nos vies et même la façon dont nous nous préparons quand nous sortons de la maison. En effet, nous devons faire preuve de flexibilité pour imaginer et repenser nos limites personnelles, puis les mettre en pratique.

Les limites et la peur

Beaucoup de gens ont peur de penser à eux-même d’abord, et ainsi de fixer des limites qui renforcent cet aspect. Peur du rejet ou de la colère de quelqu’un. Ils ont peur de perdre amour ou affection ou d’être viré. Ils ont aussi peur d’être critiqué, qualifié d’égoïste ou accusé d’être un mauvais parent, conjoint, ami ou enfant. Nous craignons la perte de la carotte suspendue devant nous.

Il m’a fallu beaucoup de temps pour m’en rendre compte.

Laissez-moi vous dire que si vous vivez en ayant peur d’établir vos limites personnelles, les gens s’infiltrent et s’incrustent avec toutes leurs idées, opinions et demandes… et c’est difficile de changer les choses par la suite.

Ceci dit, si c’est votre cas, vous n’êtes pas seul. Si vous aviez déjà défini des limites, mais que vous constatez qu’elles ne vous servent plus dans votre nouvelle normalité, vous n’êtes pas seul non plus.

Soyez confortable avec l’inconfortable

Si vous voulez vraiment mettre fin au cycle épuisant “Je dois plaire à tout le monde”, vous avez besoin de limites. Vous devez ériger des murs contre les situations et les personnes qui briment votre liberté d’être complètement vous-même.

Dans certains cas, ces murs vous amèneront des relations plus fortes, plus dynamiques et une connexion plus profonde grâce à la compréhension. Dans d’autres cas, ces murs vous protégeront, gardant à distance les personnes ou les situations toxiques.

Et soyons clairs: se protéger n’est pas égoïste! C’est une façon essentielle de prendre soin de nous.

Mon parcours

Quand j’étais enfant, j’étais réprimandé chaque fois que j’essayais d’explorer ou de poser des questions, jusqu’à ce que je perde l’intérêt d’imposer ma voix.

Parce que je n’avais pas le droit d’explorer, qu’on ne m’avait pas appris à dire NON quand j’étais mal à l’aise, que je devais respecter les adultes inconditionnellement, je n’ai jamais développé de confiance en moi.

J’ai donc grandi en croyant que mes pensées et mes sentiments n’étaient pas bons et qu’il appartenait aux figures d’autorité de me dire quoi penser, ressentir et faire.

Ne pas avoir confiance en moi a créé de nombreux problèmes dans ma vie.

Mon expérience a été à l’extrême (mais tristement commun) de ce qui peut arriver lorsqu’un enfant se voit refuser le droit de fixer ses limites. Je ne savais pas en parler quand quelque chose n’allait pas et de mauvaises personnes en ont profité. J’ai appris plus tard que les gens qui m’ont maltraité ont continué à le faire à d’autres aussi, sans jamais subir les conséquences de ce qu’ils avaient fait.

Nous pouvons être maltraités ou exploités de plusieurs façons lorsque nous ne sommes pas encouragés à établir nos limites personnelles – quand on nous apprend que plaire aux autres compte plus que se respecter soi-même.

En apprenant à fixer mes limites en tant qu’adulte, j’ai appris que des limites saines ne servent pas juste à se protéger, mais aussi à créer ce que nous voulons vraiment. En nous éloignant de ce qui ne nous convient pas, ces limites nous guident vers les relations, les opportunités et les activités qui nous font vibrer, créant un effet domino dans nos vies et celles des personnes qui nous entourent.

Comment définir et maintenir des limites personnelles saines

Comme je l’ai dit, fixer ses limites est plus facile à dire qu’à faire. Surtout si les gens autour de vous sont résistants et/ou ont leurs propres difficultés. N’oubliez pas de mettre votre propre masque à oxygène en premier. Si vous soutenez les autres sans prendre soin de vous, vous n’êtes pas fort, vous êtes simplement utilisé. Vous vous fatiguerez et c’est à ce moment que l’épuisement professionnel s’installe.

Voici 12 conseils et bonnes pratiques pour vous renforcer intérieurement et respecter vos limites:

1. Identifiez où vous devez définir ou adapter vos limites.

Si la limite est la distance à laquelle vous pouvez vous aimer et aimer l’autre personne simultanément, où ce point se trouve-t-il ? Pour cet exercice, utilisons le mot «aimer» non pas dans un sens romantique, mais dans un sens humain – ce point où vous pouvez pleinement vous aimer et vous respecter, en même temps de reconnaître et respecter pleinement l’humanité de l’autre personne.

2. Acceptez la réalité de la situation

Vous pensez: «Si je change simplement ceci ou cela, si j’en fais juste un peu plus, si j’agis comme ceci…» Ou encore: «S’ils changent simplement ceci ou cela…»

Toutefois, sans une relation saine, personnelle ou professionnelle, personne ne devrait avoir à compromettre ses valeurs, à en faire trop, à se montrer sous un faux visage ou à utiliser toute autre tactique inauthentique pour que les choses fonctionnent. Ce n’est pas de l’amour, de l’acceptation ou du respect. Acceptez ce qui est et ce qui n’est pas.

3. Lâchez prise

Vous pourriez passer toute votre vie à essayer d’obtenir l’approbation et l’acceptation des autres et ne jamais l’obtenir. Croyez-moi, je l’ai vécu. Je me suis négligée encore et encore pour garder la paix ou gagner l’amour. Ça s’est terminé en épuisement.

Tout ce que vous craignez de perdre – une personne ou son amour – faites-y face. Brûlez ces sentiments qui vous limitent. Lâchez prise.

4. Préparez-vous à la résistance des autres

Le changement peut être difficile. La personne avec laquelle vous fixez des limites peut résister au changement au début. Préparez-vous à répondre avec compassion, mais aussi avec confiance et cohérence en respectant les limites dont vous avez besoin.

Les personnes toxiques réagiront probablement négativement. Vos limites les empêchent de continuer comme ils le souhaitent. Ce n’est pas votre problème.

Surtout, souvenez-vous de la définition de limites personnelles saines. Il n’est pas dit que l’autre personne doit vous aimer. Ce n’est pas quelque chose que vous pouvez contrôler. Trouvez le point où vous pouvez vous aimer et respecter l’humanité de l’autre personne, puis ne bougez plus. Où les autres choisissent de se tenir est hors de votre contrôle et de votre responsabilité.

5. Rappelez-vous pourquoi vous faites cela.

Quand quelqu’un réagit mal, nous sommes souvent tentés de revenir aux conditions d’avant. C’est normal. Alors, rappelez-vous pourquoi vous avez entrepris ce parcours et que vous ne pouvez pas changer les autres, seulement vous-même. Puis, parlez-en avec une personne qui vous soutient. Vous devez garder et respecter ces nouvelles limites et vous entourer de gens pour vous soutenir est essentiel.

6.Restez alerte.

La personne avec laquelle vous fixez de nouvelles limites pourrait essayer de vous culpabiliser, de vous traiter d’égoïste, de jouer à la victimes, de vous embrouiller… Elle sait probablement comment vous culpabiliser et comment briser votre confiance. Elle fera tout pour essayer de maintenir le statu quo.

Soyez donc conscient de ces tactiques, restez attentif et ne vous engagez pas.

7. Soyez conscient des niveaux de conscience.

Lorsque vous choisissez l’intention de vous fixer des limites saines, vous choisissez d’agir à partir de votre niveau de conscience le plus élevé. La personne avec laquelle vous définissez des limites peut être à un niveau inférieur. En vous exposant d’un niveau supérieur, une personne peut être inspirée à vous rejoindre. Ou pas. Il n’est pas de votre responsabilité (ou de votre pouvoir) de les faire évoluer. Alors, soyez ouvert à leur cheminement, mais restez ferme pour ne pas vous faire tirer vers le bas.

8. Souvenez-vous toujours que si vous voulez quelque chose de différent, vous devez faire quelque chose de différent.

Que la définition de limites soit nouvelle pour vous, ou que vous adaptiez vos limites pour une nouvelle réalité, changer la façon dont vous interagissez avec les autres est la façon de créer un changement dans votre vie. Des limites saines, intentionnelles et conscientes sont importantes et font partie de l’acceptation de soi; afin de devenir vraiment le PDG de votre vie.

9. Si vous êtes parent, de saines limites comptent x2.

Établir des limites saines avec les autres constitue un exemple fondamental pour vos enfants. Établir des limites saines avec vos enfants leur apprend que les limites font partie de l’amour, et non pas une limite à l’amour. Cela signifie également respecter les limites de votre enfant. En tant que parents, nous pouvons le faire en agissant comme leur guide et non pas comme leur dictateur. Laissez-les explorer, découvrir et développer leur confiance en eux. Aussi, laissez-les dire non et faire des choix. Montrez-leur que les limites sont censées être respectées dans une relation en respectant les leurs. Bien sûr, nous ne pouvons pas les laisser jouer dans la rue, manquer l’école ou jamais se laver, mais il y a tellement d’autres limites que nous pouvons respecter et leur accorder.

10. Commencez doucement.

Certaines personnes sont si avides de changement qu’elles fixent toutes leurs limites en même temps et la situation devient insoutenable. D’après mon expérience, à la fois personnelle et en travaillant avec mes clients en coaching, je recommande de fixer (ou d’adapter) 1 à 2 limites à la fois, puis d’en ajouter progressivement d’autres. Donnez à l’autre personne le temps de s’adapter, et à vous-même le temps de consolider vos intentions de respecter vos limites.

Oui, c’est moins satisfaisant, mais c’est le prix à payer pour ne pas les avoir fixées plus tôt. À l’avenir, rappelez-vous que c’est pourquoi il est si important d’avoir des conversations authentiques lors de conflits. Cela crée naturellement une limite saine dans la relation. Ensuite il n’y a pas de situation discordante ou d’épuisement professionnel.

11. Faites attention à vos paroles.

La façon dont vous le dites est vraiment importante pour établir vos limites. Si vous vous fâchez, cela provoquera certainement une réaction négative. Parlez d’un cœur de paix, pas d’un cœur de guerre (tiré du livre The Anatomy of Peace).

En effet, choisissez de voir l’humanité de l’autre, une personne avec des besoins, des désirs, des peurs et des difficultés comme vous. Soyez curieux de leur situation. Même si vous êtes «en guerre», vous pouvez vous montrer compatissant. Lorsque vous le faites, les autres sont plus susceptibles de faire de même, ce qui augmente les chances de garder la paix.

12. Faites la différence entre la compassion et la capitulation.

Avoir de la compassion pour l’inconfort de l’autre n’est pas la même chose que céder votre point. Voici un exemple de cette différence lorsque quelqu’un résiste à vos limites:

Capitulation: “Je suis vraiment désolé. Je ne voulais pas vous contrarier. Peut-être pouvons-nous trouver un compromis. »

Compassion: “C’est difficile. Je peux voir que vous êtes bouleversé et je comprends. Le changement peut être difficile. Cette limite est importante pour moi et je dois rester ferme. »

Alors, vous voyez la différence ? Des limites saines, celles dont nous avons besoin pour nous aimer pleinement, ne peuvent pas être négociées. Votre bonheur ne peut dépendre des choix de quelqu’un d’autre, tout comme leur bonheur ne peut dépendre du vôtre. La compassion consiste à reconnaître et à accepter l’inconfort d’une autre personne, sans en assumer la responsabilité.

Avouons-le. S’il était facile de fixer des limites saines, nous ne serions pas confrontés à cette épidémie d’épuisement professionnel qui était à la hausse bien avant d’entendre parler de Covid. C’est difficile, et beaucoup d’entre nous n’ont tout simplement pas été élevés de cette façon. Il aurait fallu nous enseigner à avoir confiance en notre voix intérieure. Ce n’est pas nécessairement un échec des générations précédentes, mais une évolution dans notre compréhension de ce dont les enfants ont besoin pour devenir des adultes en bonne santé.

Comme l’a dit Maya Angelou: «Faites de votre mieux jusqu’à ce que vous connaissiez mieux. Ensuite, quand vous connaissez mieux, faites mieux. »

En fin de compte, soyez la personne dont votre “moi enfant” aurait eu besoin. Soyez cette personne pour vous-même et pour ceux qui vous entourent. C’est ainsi que nous bâtirons une vie meilleure pour nous-mêmes, et par le fait même un monde meilleur. Avec la pandémie, nous avons le choix de ne pas «revenir à la normale», mais plutôt de créer une normale encore mieux. Alors maintenant que nous connaissons mieux, faisons mieux.

Pour terminer, si vous avez besoin d’aide pour clarifier vos limites et les mettre en place – personnellement ou professionnellement – veuillez communiquer avec moi. Réalisons-le.

Vos conversations professionnelles sont-elles authentiques ?

May 9, 2021/in Leadership, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Ce que j’entends maintes et maintes fois de mes clients c’est qu’ils quittent souvent leurs rencontres professionnelles sans avoir dit ce qu’ils voulaient vraiment dire, sans obtenir les réponses dont ils avaient besoin pour avancer et sans obtenir d’engagement pour faire bouger les choses.

C’est un problème que je connais bien, non seulement parce qu’en grande partie le coaching c’est d’améliorer la façon dont nous communiquons, mais aussi parce que je l’ai vécu moi-même durant plusieurs années.

Pourquoi donc tant de gens ont du mal à tenir des conversations plus significatives ?

J’ai travaillé avec des gens de partout dans le monde et cette difficulté transcende la culture. Partout, les gens ont peur de dire ce qu’ils pensent. Ils ont peur d’avoir des conversations professionnelles authentiques. En effet, ils craignent la réaction ou l’opinion de l’autre, ils ont peur d’être rejetés ou que leurs idées ne soient pas importantes. Il est possible que la position hiérarchique de l’autre personne les intimide et ils ont peur de leur réaction.

Tout vient de la peur. Et laissez-moi vous dire que la peur est un sentiment puissant.

Mais dites-moi sincèrement… à quel point vos conversations professionnelles sont authentiques ? Combien de choses vous ne dites pas ? Comment cela vous sert-il ?

Le Co-Active Training Institute mentionne: “Un leader est responsable de son monde.”

Vous êtes responsable de votre monde, alors vous avez le pouvoir de changer le cours de vos conversations. Vous avez la capacité d’entrer dans des conversations avec authenticité et d’en sortir plus épanoui(e).

Comment y arriver ? Tout est dans la façon que vous choisissez de vous présenter.

Voici 14 façons de créer des conversations professionnelles authentiques qui font véritablement avancer les choses:

1. Prenez le contrôle de votre état d’esprit et de votre attitude lors de la conversation.

Vous avez l’impression que chaque conversation que vous avez se déroule de la même manière, alors pourquoi la prochaine serait différente ? Et bien, une chose peut définitivement être différente, c’est l’état d’esprit et l’attitude que vous adoptez.

Connectez avec votre “moi supérieur”, avec l’univers et avec vos objectifs avant d’entrer dans la conversation. Connectez avec vos valeurs.

Définissez l’intention de parler avec votre cœur et avec le plus grand respect.

Recherchez le point de connexion et évoluez à partir de là. Même si vous aimez ou respectez seulement 1% de l’autre personne, concentrez-vous sur ce 1%. Ce sur quoi vous vous concentrez se développe. C’est à ce niveau que se produit la croissance.

Ne vous présentez pas comme un tyran. Engagez-vous, ici et maintenant, à abandonner la mentalité «j’ai raison, vous avez tort». Misez sur la curiosité, en traitant l’autre personne comme naturellement créative, entière et pleine de ressources. Arrivez avec l’état d’esprit qu’elle peut peut-être contribuer à la situation d’une façon dont vous ne le pouvez.

Tout est dans l’attitude. Vous êtes responsable de l’énergie que vous apportez à la conversation. Ne soyez pas toxique et n’essayez pas de faire en sorte que quelqu’un se sente impuissant ou dans l’erreur. Allez-y avec l’intention de trouver une solution, pas de gagner.

2. Assumez votre part

Comme le dit Fred Kofman, PhD, conseiller en développement du leadership de Google et auteur du livre Conscious Business, «Notre objectif est d’explorer le raisonnement de chacun, de comprendre pourquoi nous pensons ce que nous pensons. Nous devons supposer que nous avons contribué à la situation actuelle et explorer notre rôle à cet égard. »

Oui, cela peut être difficile à admettre, et vous ne le verrez peut-être pas tout de suite, mais vous avez contribué d’une manière ou d’une autre à la situation. Plus tôt vous serez prêt à y faire face et à l’accepter, plus tôt vous pourrez voir la situation autrement et de nouvelles solutions pourront émerger.

Il ne s’agit pas de se jeter le blâme. Il s’agit de se responsabiliser. Le blâme vit dans le passé. La responsabilité s’efforce d’aller de l’avant.

3. Identifiez votre BATNA.

«Qu’est-ce que je ressens à ce sujet ? Qu’est-ce qui est important pour moi ? Dans un monde parfait, à quoi ressemblerait le résultat idéal ? Qu’est-ce que je suis prêt à sacrifier ? »

C’est votre BATNA, ou la meilleure alternative à un accord de négociation.

Identifiez votre meilleure alternative avant d’entrer dans la conversation. En connaissant votre BATNA à l’avance, ce que vous serez en mesure d’accepter ou non deviendra très clair.

Lorsque nous quittons une conversation avec le sentiment que rien n’a été accompli ou que nous avons fait des compromis sur quelque chose que nous n’aurions pas dû, c’est généralement parce que nous manquions de clarté ou de certitude.

Lorsque vous êtes confiant de votre BATNA, vous savez où rester ferme et où être flexible.

4. Explorez l’autre côté; soyez curieux !

Écoutez vraiment. Résumez ce qui a été dit. Reconnaissez leurs préoccupations. Confirmez-les et validez-les. Faites preuve d’empathie et dites que c’est important pour vous.

Parlez toujours avec votre cœur. «Je vous entends… je vous respecte… vos demandes sont raisonnables… voici ce qui se passe et ce qui est possible en ce moment…»

Surtout, restez curieux. Quand quelqu’un parle, supposez que vous n’avez aucune idée de ce qu’il est sur le point de dire (au lieu de supposer que vous savez exactement ce qu’il va dire, ce que beaucoup font par habitude) et écoutez vraiment.

5. Pratiquez «l’écoute de niveau 3».

Écouter ne se résume pas à entendre des mots. Il s’agit de créer une connexion.

L’écoute de niveau 1 est extrêmement courante. C’est entendre les paroles de l’autre personne, mais nous concentrer principalement sur nos propres opinions, jugements, ce que nous dirons ensuite, etc.

Au niveau 2, nous nous concentrons davantage sur l’autre personne, en écoutant non seulement ses mots, mais aussi en remarquant son langage corporel, le ton de sa voix, son énergie, la direction de son regard, l’ensemble.

Au niveau 3, nous sommes toujours ouverts à tous les signaux d’écoute de niveau 2, mais nous ajoutons maintenant notre intuition. Nous miroitons ce que nous voyons, entendons et ressentons. Le tout sans jugement ni attente de résultat – purement par curiosité. Cela peut ressembler à ceci: «J’entends vos préoccupations et je vois d’où ça provient. J’ai l’impression que vous vous retenez de dire quelque chose. Qu’est-ce qui se passe vraiment ?”

C’est une compétence vraiment puissante qui aide les gens à s’ouvrir et à être eux-mêmes. Même s’ils ne sont pas prêts à s’ouvrir, cette attitude les aide à se sentir compris et entendus et c’est là qu’une véritable connexion se forme et que la conversation peut progresser.

6. Posez les bonnes questions et approfondissez.

Imaginez-vous comme un archéologue conversationnel. Vous voulez découvrir ce qui se passe en dessous, mais pour ce faire, vous devez commencer doucement à nettoyer ce qui se trouve à la surface. Pour ce faire, posez des questions ouvertes qui font vraiment réfléchir les gens.

Vous pourriez demander «Qu’est-ce qui est le plus important pour vous ? Que pensez-vous de ceci ? Si vous pouviez avoir un rôle à jouer, quel serait-il ? »

Posez des questions pour amener la personne à réfléchir à ce qui se passe et à ce qu’elle veut créer, et non pour répéter des histoires qu’elle peut raconter à n’importe qui. Des choses étonnantes peuvent en ressortir.

7. Faites votre part et initiez l’authenticité.

Que l’autre personne soit authentique ou non, assumez la responsabilité d’être vous-même authentique. Il est commun d’avoir tendance à nous mettre au même niveau que l’autre personne quand nous interagissons. Au lieu d’être celui qui s’adapte, profitez de ce phénomène en donnant un ton authentique à la discussion. Cela vous garde à votre plus haut niveau et donne à l’autre personne la possibilité de s’élever à votre niveau. C’est à l’autre de décider s’il accepte ou non cette ouverture.

S’engager dans l’authenticité apporte un bon karma car vous traitez les gens comme vous aimeriez être traité. Il n’est pas facile d’être authentique, mais quel est le coût de ne pas l’être ? Si nous ne partageons pas notre vérité, nous restons au même endroit. Ne choisissez pas cette option.

Que ce soit la personne ou le problème qui est important pour vous, faites votre part en l’adressant.

N’oubliez pas, les leaders ont des opinions. Affirmez vos propos avec énergie et ne les laissez pas se faire étouffer. Oui, dans un conseil précédent, je vous ai encouragé à reconnaître et à accepter le point de vue de l’autre personne. Mais l’acceptation n’est pas l’acquiescement ! C’est respecter la diversité des points de vue et des expériences, et être ouvert à d’autres points de vue. Cela ne signifie pas compromettre vos valeurs.

Vous pouvez influencer l’énergie d’une conversation. Choisissez d’être un leader dans la conversation plutôt qu’une victime.

8. Soyez conscient des mots que vous dites (et ne dites pas).

Parlez de votre point de vue en utilisant des phrases ouvertes. Par exemple, essayez «La façon dont je le vois… Je sens que…» et ainsi de suite au lieu de «Nous devrions faire ceci… C’est de cette façon…» Vous voulez co-créer, pas dicter.

Évitez d’attaquer, de blâmer ou de prendre un ton supérieur. Traitez les autres comme des co-créateurs égaux et croyez qu’ils peuvent vraiment l’être.

Évitez les phrases telles que «Vous avez fait cela» ou «Vous devriez…». Ces phrases sont chargées de jugement – intentionnel ou non – et ont tendance à mettre les gens sur la défensive.

À la place, essayez des phrases telles que «J’aimerais…», «Cela aiderait si…» ou «Je pense que nous profiterions tous les deux de…»

N’agissez pas de façon punitive en vous retirant si vous n’obtenez pas ce que vous voulez. N’oubliez pas qu’il s’agit de résoudre le problème dans l’intérêt de tous. Restez ouvert. Continuez “Qu’est-ce qu’on peut faire d’autre ?” Soyez confortable avec l’inconfortable. C’est peut être inconfortable de parler avec authenticité, mais il vaut mieux être mal à l’aise que de rester en colère et chargé de ressentiments, ce qui peut affecter d’autres domaines de votre vie. Comme le dit Brene Brown, professeur, conférencier, auteur et animateur de podcast américain: «Préférez l’inconfort au ressentiment»

9. Dévoilez votre colonne de gauche.

C’est quoi la colonne de gauche ? Le LHC (left-hand column) ou colonne de gauche, fait référence à tout ce qui se passe dans votre tête durant une conversation et que vous choisissez de NE PAS partager.

Nous retenons notre LHC soit parce que c’est toxique, («Cette personne est-elle folle? Est-ce qu’il a fumé quelque chose ?»), soit parce que c’est inconfortable (exprimer de la gratitude ou de l’admiration). Le plus souvent c’est que vous ne vous sentez pas à l’aise de partager votre pensée par peur («Que vont penser les gens ? Et si je blesse quelqu’un ?»).

Essayez ceci:

Prenez une feuille de papier et tracez une ligne au milieu.
Dans la colonne de droite, écrivez une conversation que vous avez eue récemment avec quelqu’un.
Dans la colonne de gauche, écrivez ce que vous vouliez dire à chaque étape de la conversation, mais que vous n’avez pas dit, ou ce que vous pensiez ou ressentiez pendant la conversation, mais que vous n’avez pas partagé.

Lorsque nous faisons cet exercice, la colonne de gauche est souvent beaucoup plus longue que celle de droite. Dans une conversation authentique, cependant, elle diminuerait considérablement.

Si cette colonne de gauche est très longue, il y a de fortes chances que ce soit de même pour l’autre personne. De manière professionnelle, commencez à dévoiler la vôtre et il y a de fortes chances que l’autre personne soit également plus honnête. À partir de là, les possibilités sont beaucoup plus grandes.

Lorsque vous vous rendez à une réunion, soyez conscient de ce qui pourrait figurer sur votre colonne de gauche et essayez de le mettre de l’avant le plus possible. Comment ce partage aurait-il un impact sur la conversation, votre relation ou vos sentiments dans la conversation ? Quel est l’impact de ne pas le partager ?

Il y a des faits, des sentiments, des attentes et des hypothèses qui nous habitent dont l’autre personne n’est peut-être pas consciente et qui peuvent contribuer à une meilleure conversation.

Reconnaissez cette colonne de gauche. Faites-lui de la place, que ce soit dans une conversation en tête-à-tête, avec votre équipe ou même votre famille.

Bien sûr, certaines choses devraient rester dans cette colonne. Je n’ai jamais demandé à quelqu’un, au milieu de la conversation: “Fumez-vous quelque chose ?” … et je pense que je vais continuer comme ça ;)

10. Choisissez comment vous répondrez.

Si vous êtes provoqué, remarquez quel a été le déclencheur. C’est une indication de ce dont vous devez guérir et pas nécessairement lié au moment présent. C’est à ce moment qu’il faut répondre réceptivement versus réagir impulsivement. Lorsque nous ne sommes pas pleinement conscients de ces déclencheurs et de leur source, nous sommes plus susceptibles de réagir impulsivement en cas de problème. Lorsque nous en avons conscience, nous sommes en mesure d’interagir de manière réceptive, plutôt que de manière réactive.

Soyez attentif à ce qui vous ferme et à ce qui vous ouvre. De cette façon, vous pourrez définir à l’avance vos intentions dans votre façon de répondre.

11. Alignez-vous sur un objectif commun.

«Nos valeurs sont-elles alignées ? Avons-nous un objectif commun ? Existe-t-il un accord mutuellement avantageux ? »

Avoir un objectif commun nous donne un but concret vers quoi travailler ensemble, de façon continue. Cela peut aussi éloigner les conversations de style “champ de bataille” et faciliter le style “tous ensemble” qui permet la co-création.

Continuez à focaliser sur cet objectif commun et évoluez à partir de là.

12. Voyez comment les autres se sentent pendant la conversation.

Il est important de reconnaître les sentiments des autres. Cela vous aide à avoir des conversations plus authentiques et l’autre personne sent qu’elle fait partie intégrante de cette interaction.

Posez des questions comme: «Que pensez-vous de ce que j’ai dit ? À quoi pensez-vous quand je dis ça ? Comment voyez-vous les choses ? Ai-je répondu à vos préoccupations ? »

13. Sachez où se termine votre responsabilité et où commence celle de quelqu’un d’autre.

Il y a beaucoup de choses que nous pouvons contrôler et beaucoup de responsabilités que nous pouvons assumer de manière progressive. Cependant, il est important de reconnaître la limite où se termine votre responsabilité et où commence celle de quelqu’un d’autre. De cette façon, vous pensez à vous, mais aussi à respecter le champ d’autorité personnel d’une autre personne, indépendamment de ce qu’elle choisit d’en faire.

Par exemple, si quelqu’un est déterminé à obtenir un livrable de votre part, mais que la date choisie compromettrait un projet plus prioritaire, vous pouriez répondre: «Si je ne termine pas ce projet prioritaire à temps, qu’est-ce que je vais dire à l’équipe durant la rencontre ? Je n’aurai rien à présenter et notre horaire sera compromis. »

Mettez-vous à leur place et comprenez leur inquiétude (rappelez-vous, l’acceptation et la reconnaissance ne sont pas un acquiescement). Rappelez-leur les priorités de l’organisation dans son ensemble et dans quoi vous devez mettre vos efforts et vos priorités pour s’aligner avec celles-ci.

En ce qui concerne le livrable qui devra être repoussé, soyez compatissant et encouragez cette personne à avoir une conversation authentique avec son équipe sur les raisons pour lesquelles la date limite ne peut pas être respectée et sur ce qui est possible de faire à la place.

Pour plusieurs d’entre nous, respecter des limites clairement établies peut susciter un sentiment de culpabilité. C’est un point qui nécessite votre exploration intérieure et non votre capitulation extérieure. Lorsque vous prenez des décisions qui correspondent aux priorités organisationnelles, à vos valeurs personnelles, à un objectif commun, etc., une personne peut être déçue sur le moment, mais ce sentiment lui appartient.

En fin de compte, vous n’avez pas laissé tomber cette personne, vous avez fait le contraire. Vous avez accepté l’inconfort nécessaire pour avancer dans la bonne direction. C’est ça le leadership.

14. Ne quittez pas la conversation sans pouvoir aller de l’avant.

Essayez de ne pas laisser une conversation se terminer tant que:

Vous avez pleinement exprimé vos pensées;
Vous avez acquis la clarté nécessaire sur une situation;
Vos questions ont été répondues ou des engagements (avec une date fixe) ont été pris pour assurer le suivi;
Les prochaines étapes ont été déterminées.

Ne quittez jamais une conversation sans avoir l’impression qu’elle a avancé d’une manière ou d’une autre. S’il y a une contrainte de temps, définissez une date et une heure fermes pour reprendre la conversation.

Lorsque vous n’êtes pas authentique, les gens le ressentent, instinctivement. Et cela se retourne contre vous. Lorsque vous êtes vous-même, vous brillez. Vous êtes plus heureux et plus libre. Vous êtes également plus productif, probablement parce que c’est épuisant de prétendre être quelqu’un que vous n’êtes pas. Lorsque vous choisissez l’inconfort plutôt que de laisser les choses empirer, vous travaillez activement à être un leader. Lorsque vous faites tomber les barrières, les LHC, une énergie s’installe. Les gens autour de vous se sentent plus à l’aise et inspirés à faire de même.

Imaginez ce qu’une entreprise remplie d’employés authentiques, engagés et qui communiquent ouvertement peut réaliser!

L’authenticité apporte toujours plus d’authenticité et peut changer n’importe quelle situation ou conversation. Donnez ce ton.

Si vous avez besoin de coaching pour avoir de meilleures conversations au travail ou dans votre vie personnelle et pour vous aider à avancer, connectez avec moi.

Speaking Your Truth in the Workplace: Part 2

May 9, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Understanding your mental models sparks the clarity you need to speak your truth in the workplace with confidence and courage.

In the first part of this series, we explored why it might be so hard to speak our truth at work, as well as some tips, techniques and mindset shifts to help you start owning your truth more and more in the workplace. In this part, we’ll dive deeper into this topic by getting up close and personal with our mental models, why they have such a hold on us, and what we can do, from a practical perspective, to shift those models, empowering ourselves to fully own our truth, and bring it forward with respect and professionalism.

What are Mental Models and How do They Impact Our Truth?

Mental models are your thought processes. They are built out of all your experiences, assumptions, beliefs, old patterns, and so on. You already have mental models, whether you’re aware of them or not, and they are highly influential in how you show up and respond to your environment and circumstances.

Have you ever worked with a computer system and wanted it to do something, but… it just wouldn’t do it? Even a basic program like Word. We’ve all tried to fix formatting, add an image, edit a table, and the darn thing just won’t do what we want!

Mental models can be a lot like that, especially when we aren’t aware of them. We want to speak up, but it’s like our brain is saying, “Cannot perform function. Error. Error. Error…”

Your brain is so used to thinking in a certain way that trying to force it to think in a different way might crash the system! Except… not really. Just like a computer or piece of software can be reprogrammed, you can, in a way, reprogram your mind with updated mental models.

Why do Mental Models Stop us From Speaking Our Truth?

Ok, so we get what a mental model is, but why do so many people’s models hold them back from speaking their truth? I would venture to say that 100% of the people I’ve worked with have struggled with bringing their truth forward – saying what’s on their mind, sharing ideas, having difficult conversations, disagreeing with others, and so on. Why is this so universal?

The fact is, there’s a lot we don’t know about how human thinking evolved and why it evolved the way it did. But I ask you to consider this: so much of human evolution has been in the direction of survival. What if that’s how thinking evolved as well? What if it evolved to avoid difficult, painful, uncomfortable interactions as a survival mechanism? It would then make sense that, when our brains sense a potentially threatening situation, they hold us back from engaging.

In a way, if you consistently avoid speaking your truth, you are an evolutionarily successful human!

The problem is, our environment seems to have evolved faster than we have. Boardrooms are not battlefields. For the most part, we are not actually unsafe at work. Yet, our brains are still locked into that “do not engage” programming.

On top of that, much of the professional advice of past decades has aligned with those same mental models: tow the line, respect authority, etc. That old advice no longer works in today’s workplaces.

We need to give our evolution a little nudge; to intentionally override that default programming. Just as we learned in childhood not to lash out physically or scream at the top of our lungs when we’re angry, we can also learn to stop over-protecting ourselves. By educating ourselves on our own mental models, we can make powerful, intentional shifts that reeducate our brains to better understand genuine threat vs. just an uncomfortable interaction.

Mental Models Can Create “Roadblock Conflict”

Our mental models are basically made up of everything we’ve experienced. Which means, two different people can perceive the exact same situation in two completely different ways. If both people believe that their perception is THE truth, that can create what I’ll call “roadblock conflict”.

Conflict, as I’ve discussed before, can be an opportunity to explore different perspectives and co-create better solutions. That only works when we recognize that OUR truth may not be THE truth. When each party believes that their perspective is the only one – or only valid one – that creates roadblock conflict; a conflict where neither party is open to curiosity, flexibility or co-creation.

However, when we’re aware of our mental models, we understand that what we see as truth may be different from what others perceive as the truth. When we combine awareness of our mental models with awareness of our own values and confidence in our role as Hero in our own stories, speaking our truth – anywhere, anytime, even at work, even with our boss – becomes a lot less threatening. We’re able to bring out our truth with curiosity and have better, more progressive conversations that fuel our sense of purpose, meaning and engagement.

Identifying Your Mental Models

Identifying your mental models can be as simple as filling in a worksheet. The catch is, you have to do it for each subject you want to address, AND you have to be fully honest and open with yourself, AND fully open to the fact that the other person also has a mental model that you don’t have full insight into.

Below is an image of a mental model worksheet, which you can download here as a printable sheet. This worksheet was inspired by one that was shared with me by a trainer.

Here’s how to use the sheet:

1. Be clear and granular on the subject.

If it’s a decision to be made, a problem to be solved, an idea to share… be really clear on what you want to discuss and enter that into the “Subject to explore” section. Drill down and get granular. You don’t feel right about a new corporate policy, for example. What, specifically, do you not feel right about? Drill down to the exact point (or points).

2. Determine who else is involved.

In a workplace setting, the “who” can be an individual or a full team. Teams often function as complete systems with their own personalities, beliefs, expectations, value systems, etc. If you are butting heads with an individual over a subject that actually impacts a full team, it can often help to consider the team as the “who”.

3. Get curious about your truth.

In the “My Truth” row there are 5 categories with questions and prompts to help you excavate what’s going on for you. Start with the basic facts. The other 4 categories can be done in any order, but it’s key to get clear on the subject and facts first, so that you stay on topic.

When it comes to filling in the facts, avoid using qualifiers. For example, instead of, “When I bring up [subject], I am immediately shut down and that’s making it impossible to communicate”, simply write, “When I bring up [subject], I am immediately shut down.” That is your fact, as you know it. The part about communication also matters, but is more of a personal thought or belief than a fact. Instead, you could put that in the Thoughts category as, “I think this is making communication impossible between us” or in the Beliefs & Expectations category as, “I expect us to be able to share thoughts more openly and I believe this issue is making that impossible.”

As much as possible, use “I” statements throughout. This is about excavating YOUR truth so that you can bring it forward with confidence and clarity, AND about positioning your truth as simply one person’s perspective – a perspective that is worthy and valid, just as other perspectives are worthy and valid.

4. Get curious about their truth, as you know it.

You can’t know for sure what’s happening for them, but this is an opportunity for you to shift your mind into “possibility mode” and to start exploring all sides of the subject at hand. What might be coming up for the other person? What facts might they have that you don’t have? What facts might be more important to them than they are to you? What values might this touch on for them? What might someone in their position be thinking or feeling?

5. Explore the potential of “Us Together”.

For this section, think about how both sides can be brought together. Where can you be flexible without compromising what’s most important to you and/or your team? What common ground can you co-create from? What might they be willing to compromise on? What expectations, thoughts or feelings might be holding you back that you can work through? Remember, you aren’t creating the solution here. At this stage, you’re opening your own mind, getting a clear picture of your own mental model, and taking 100% responsibility for how you show up and respond.

What Next?

Just by going through the worksheet, you’ve already taken a practical step towards shifting your mental models. You’ve built awareness of your current models and have gotten curious about different perspectives and possibilities. Now ask yourself:

What have I gained through this awareness?
In what ways was my old mental model holding me back?
How will I use my new awareness to move forward?

Using Mental Model Awareness to Move Forward in Truth

Now it’s time to determine your next steps and take action. And this is where you need to lean into your leader within. What you do next will depend on:

The specifics of the issue
What you have determined matters most to you
The new perspectives, curiosity and flexibility you have created for yourself

Here are 4 approaches to consider in bringing your truth forward:

Bring your worksheet to the other person.

You’ve gone through a meaningful thought process. Why not share that? Show the other person where you started, what your concerns are, what matters to you, what you have considered of their perspective, and areas in which you feel you can be flexible.

Try something like: “I’ve been thinking over this issue and I’d like to share my thought process with you. I’d like us to create something that works for both of us.”
Have both of you complete the worksheet separately, then come together.

If you feel the other person or team would be receptive, suggest you each complete your own worksheets separately, so that when you come together, each party’s point of view is right there to start building mutual understanding.

Try something like: “I’d like to get a conversation going on this. I imagine we each have different values at play, objectives to consider and whatnot, and I also think we can find some common ground to create from. Would you be open to a little exercise that will help us all be heard and understand each other better?”
Break the ice with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is a really powerful quality to embrace. When you show up from a vulnerable place – meaning a place with no armor, personas or self-protective habits – you immediately become non-threatening, which can help disarm that knee-jerk reaction in others to shutdown.

Try something like: “It’s really difficult for me to have this conversation. I’m not used to speaking up and I’m still getting comfortable with openness.”

Unless the person you’re dealing with is truly toxic, chances are they have the same very human fears and awkward feelings around speaking their truth. Using vulnerability as an icebreaker levels the playing field. It puts you on an equal, “us together” footing where co-creation can thrive.
Invite collaboration.

When you filled out the worksheet, you had to make assumptions about the other person’s perspective. Lean into that to invite collaboration! It matters to all of us – at all levels – that we feel heard and valued. When you invite someone in with curiosity, you show them, from the start, that you want to hear them, and that you value their truth.

Try something like: “I really want to get your perspective on this because I know I’m only seeing it from my point of view right now. How do you see it? What am I missing that you can fill in?”

Then really listen as they speak. Does what they’re saying differ from your original assumptions? If so, how can you continue to be flexible? How else can you bridge the gap? What else is possible?

Mental models are strong, but they are not fixed. Through awareness, you can build flexibility into your mental models. When your thought processes are flexible AND you are confidently aligned with your values, the idea of speaking your truth becomes less threatening. In this state, you know that you lose nothing in speaking up, even if your truth is disagreed with.

One of my mantras is that truth always brings more truth. Everyone around you has their own truth, waiting for a safe space to emerge. When you start sharing your truth from a place of curiosity, you become that safe space. You allow more truth to emerge.

If you would like help getting clarity on your truth and building the confidence to bring it forward with professionalism and respect, I invite you to connect with me.

This is part 2 of a 3-part blog series on speaking your truth at work. You can read part 1 here. Part 3 will specifically guide those in leadership roles on how to cultivate cultures of truth and respect, and the value that brings to organizational success.

Speaking Your Truth in the Workplace: Part 1

April 21, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Career, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Heart Based Business Coaching, Leadership, Uncategorized/by Melissa Dawn

Speaking your truth at work. Oof. Such a simple sentence and yet, from front line workers to C level executives it seems nearly everyone I work with as a coach has the same fear: speaking their truth in the workplace.

I know this fear well, as I have had my own journey towards full authenticity in the workplace. I know all the anxiety that comes with it. I know how frightening those first steps can feel. And I know how impactful it is – to yourself and others – when you fully own your truth.

At this point, you might be asking… How can I start speaking my truth at work? How can I say what needs to be said? How can I speak up when I see a problem? How can I voice my opinions openly and professionally?

Is it possible? And… Do I really need to do it?

Why Truth is Hard in the Workplace

For centuries, possibly even millenia, people have defined respect as treating someone like an authority figure, and have seen authority figures as people who lay out the rules for all of us to follow.

It’s a lot like how many of us grew up. Our parents, teachers, coaches and so on were the authority figures who called the shots, and we were expected to show respect by doing what we were told and not questioning that authority.

It became our understanding of how the world is. So, it’s understandable that in the workplace – those places in adulthood where we most encounter authority figures – our childhood fear of speaking up resurfaces. We don’t want to get in trouble. We don’t want to be judged. We don’t want to upset anyone, make anyone angry, have anyone think less of us…

The voices inside us that hold us back are called our Gremlins, or Saboteurs. They are the voices that say not to rock the boat. They also tell us we’re being respectful when we hold back our truth; that we are keeping ourselves safe, keeping the peace, being realistic, or whatever lies they tell to keep us in our comfort zones.

What if we stopped listening to them? What if, instead, we defined respect as treating people like human beings?

What if, instead of letting the Gremlins speak, we said things to ourselves like…

“When I approach others as though their minds are open, I am respecting them.”
“When I shed light on potential problems, I am respecting the people around me by assuming they are open to co-creating solutions.”
“When I approach conflict from a place of curiosity, I am respecting others by understanding that they have an inner experience I know nothing about.”
“When I take an issue to management or HR, I am respecting the organization by not allowing the issue to fester and become bigger.”
“When I ask for clarity, I’m respecting my need to fully understand expectations, and respecting the organization’s need for everyone to be on the same page.”
“When I share my unique ideas or opinions, I am respecting myself, my colleagues and the organization by bringing all parts of myself forward to do the best work I possibly can.”

Our fear of speaking out comes from a valid place in that all feelings are valid. It’s what we do with the fear that matters most. Do we lead from it or do we learn from it?

Learning From Fear vs. Leading From Fear

When you lead from your fear, you let it make the decisions in your life. It guides your path.

When you learn from it, you lead from your highest self. Your inner leader is a perpetual learner, continuously striving to reach higher and higher levels through the lessons life has to bring.

Face your fear, head on, and examine it from all sides. Meditate on it. Journal about it. Consider where it comes from and how it is serving you in life right now.

Ask yourself:

“Is the fear leading towards what I truly want, or is it holding me in status quo?”
“What outcome am I truly afraid of?”
“What story am I telling myself about why not to have this conversation?

Where there’s fear, there’s a part of you that needs to heal. Get curious about your own fears and learn from them. You can’t change things by ignoring fear or trying to shove it aside. You create real change by leaning into what scares you.

What Happens When You Speak Your Truth at Work?

Truth always leads to more truth. That’s why it is so important to speak our truth, especially at work.

When you commit to speaking truth from a heart of peace – a heart that leads with curiosity, compassion and courage, rather than blame, shame and judgement – you free yourself from all those limiting beliefs and old patterns that have consistently held you back, AND you create a safe space for others to bring their truth forward.

The more people speak their truth in a way that is respectful – remembering that respect means treating people as human beings – the more psychological safety is cultivated within the corporate culture.

What does it mean to have psychological safety at work? It means knowing that you, too, will be met with that definition of respect. It can mean, for example, that when you make a mistake you feel confident owning that mistake, knowing that it will open up a solutions-focused discussion, not punishment or shame. It can mean never thinking twice about sharing an idea because you know that all ideas are met with respectful consideration. It can mean never wasting energy keeping yourself “safe” from blame, gossip or any other toxic behaviours. It can mean asking for help or guidance without worrying that someone might question your competence.

When we feel safe to speak our truth, we are all able to move forward with courage and clarity.

Who Can Lead a Truth Shift?

Creating this kind of shift within an organization is most effective when it is led by those in leadership positions but, the fact is, it can be driven by anyone at any level.

As I said, truth leads to more truth. Often, all it takes is one person committing to leading themselves from truth for others to start stepping into their own truth.

This is what it means to be the change you want to see. If you want your organization to be one of authenticity, then commit to being authentic by speaking your truth.

When it Backfires

Let’s say you start speaking your truth more and more at work. You do so respectfully and professionally (don’t worry, I’ll be getting to how to do that soon). And it backfires.

No one else is rising up to meet you. The energy is shifting and it isn’t in a positive direction.

Isn’t that… a good thing? You deserve a workplace environment that empowers you to thrive within the organization. That isn’t selfish. That isn’t entitlement. That’s a basic human need AND of great value to any organization. Organizations are driven by the people within them and they are most successful when they fully support the people within them.

So, if you start speaking your truth and it backfires, that’s a very clear, very loud signal that this is not the organization for you and it’s time to start planning your exit strategy. Life needs to go on, bills need to be paid, families need to be supported. You may not be able to just quit and move on and that’s ok. Just don’t settle. You may not be able to leave today, but what can you do today?

Start exploring your options, fixing up your CV, expanding your skills and knowledge, and getting clear on what you truly do want. You cannot thrive where you cannot be YOU.

What it Looks Like to Speak Your Truth in Professional Relationships

So, you’re ready to speak your truth at work. Now what? How do you do that in a way that is professional and respectful?

Let’s think about it this way: respect means to honour the human; professional means to honour the organization.

Here are some examples of what that could look like:

“I spotted a potential roadblock in this plan. I know a lot of work went into this and I really want to see it succeed. Do you have a minute to hear my concerns?”
“We seem to be butting heads on this timeline. I know the company has a set goal for getting this done, and I see that you have some concerns about that. Tell me what you’re experiencing?”
“I know the company is going through a challenging time and I want to be a part of working through that. The problem is, I’ve been putting in too many evening and weekend hours. I feel like I’m burning out and like I can’t bring my best to this role without time to recharge. Can we discuss some options?”
“When I had the chance to partner with the other department a few weeks ago, I felt really energized by the work they’re doing. I think I might have a lot to contribute and I wonder if you would be open to me partnering with them again, and perhaps growing my career in that direction long term?”
“I’ve been thinking about the vision I hold for the organization and want to ensure it’s fully aligned with the corporate vision, or if I need to make adjustments. Do you have a moment to help me get clarity?”
“I had an idea. From my perspective, it’s in line with our objectives for this year, but I realize I may have blind spots I’m not aware of. Can I get your feedback on it?”

You’ll notice that all of these conversation openers are rooted in curiosity and open up to anything being possible.

When we use phrases like, “You always disagree with me,” or “That won’t work,” or “I can’t work like this anymore,” what we do is we shut down possibilities. We draw a line in the sand that puts others on the defensive. You aren’t a safe space, but are someone to stay safe from.

The curiosity approach, on the other hand, is confident, strong, compassionate, co-creative, respectful and professional.

15 Tips & Mindset Shifts to Prepare for Workplace Truth

Remember that you were hired in your role for a reason. That reason includes your skills, qualities, experience and perspective. Staying quiet does not honour that reason.
Fear is normal. Confront your fear and learn from it so that it has no power to lead you. Leading from fear keeps everything status quo. Learning from fear and leading from truth is how change is created. If you’re struggling to clearly identify the exact fear Gremlins you’re dealing with, this assessment can help.
Learn to embrace conflict because conflict itself is not the real enemy. Avoiding conflict is. When you learn to embrace conflict as a growth opportunity, it starts to lose some of the fear it usually brings with it, and empowers you and those around you to truly move forward.
Ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself that’s holding me in status quo?” Write the story out if it helps you get clarity. Then ask, “How can I retell this story in an empowering way?”
Here’s an example of what I mean: You have always told yourself that only difficult people disagree with their boss and that if you want to keep your job and do well, you need to just keep your head down.
To retell that in an empowering way, you might start telling yourself that speaking your truth feels scary, but is really just a skill to be learned and you are a person who is capable of learning. You’ve been letting your fear lead you for too long and you are ready to start practicing this new skill in order to create change in your life.
Forget about the consequences. The fact is, you don’t know how your truth will be received.You might fear your boss thinking you’re incompetent if you ask for clarity, but more often than not, it sends the message that you’re truly invested in aligning your efforts with corporate vision and objectives. Your unique idea might not be put into practice, but it will give others the opportunity to look at things from a different perspective and see even more possibilities. Your boss might be busy and overscheduled, but will likely welcome the opportunity to connect and get insight into how things are really going. And if your truth isn’t welcomed with respect… is that really the environment you want to spend your precious energy on? An environment where truth isn’t honoured?When you dwell on imagined consequences, that’s your fear trying to lead you. Be brave and let your heart lead you.
Be intentional. What that means is, you have to intentionally create new rituals and routines for yourself in order to embed any new skill into your day to day life. Hiding your truth is simply a habit; an old pattern that can be broken and replaced. You learned that habit over many years and from many experiences, so it is expected that it will take intentional practices and daily reminders to embed a new, healthier habit.Find some way to work the new habit into your daily thinking. This could be part of your morning ritual, an hourly alarm to check in with your emotions, a string tied to your wrist as a visual cue to connect with your truth in the moment, a nightly journaling session to note all the times you spoke your truth throughout the day and how it felt… whatever practice works for you.
Give mindfulness and meditation a genuine try. Speaking your truth can take a lot of emotional energy in the moment. Regular mindfulness and meditation practices keep your emotional energy fueled up and train your brain to notice what’s coming up in the moment, so that you can respond consciously, rather than react unconsciously.When you have the emotional energy stores to calm the knee-jerk reactions, you can take control of your response, ensuring it is both respectful and professional, and that it aligns with your values and what you want to create for yourself.
Tune into your gut. Literally. Our bodies will often alert us to our truth before our brains are consciously aware of it. When something shifts or twinges in your body, take a moment with that feeling. What was happening in that moment? What is it trying to tell you? What truth do you need to hear?
Get clear on the boundaries you need to feel safe in your truth. Truth is human and anything human is worthy of safety. Get clear on what that means for you and what boundaries you may need to set or strengthen.
Be open to change and disagreement. Your truth is not everyone else’s. Just as your truth is worthy of respect, their truth is worthy of respect. Listen more than you speak. Get curious. Hear what’s being said and what’s not being said.
Lean into the “worst case” scenario. Really, what’s the worst that could happen? They disagree with you? They don’t like what you have to say? Is that really so bad? At least you will have said what you needed to say. Your conscience is clear. You can move forward.If your worst case scenario is that you will be demoted or fired, you have to believe that this organization is not aligned with your values and it’s best to move to one that is. You can’t thrive where truth is unwelcome.
Stretch yourself in non-conflict moments. It’s even harder to create a new habit if you only practice it when the stress is high, so commit to stretching your new “truth muscles” in the everyday moments. Say one thing you wouldn’t normally say every day. This will help train those muscles so that when the need for truth is highest, you have built up the strength to step into it.
Remember that you are responsible for your intention and how you show up. You are not responsible for anyone’s reaction. It is disrespectful to respond to someone’s truth with blame, shame, judgement or any other toxic behaviours. If someone is disrespectful to you, that is their weakness to confront, not your responsibility to make right or tip toe around.
Get comfortable with vulnerability. The fact is, truth feels vulnerable. It’s open, raw and not shrouded in all our self-protective habits and patterns. When someone is unkind in the face of our truth, it can hurt deeply. But here’s another fact: it hurts a lot less, and for a much shorter time than the persistent pain of shoving our truth aside day after day, year after year.
Be willing to stretch beyond your comfort zone, and be okay if it gets “messy”. Have you ever watched someone fix a car? Often, they have to take things apart and it gets really messy and greasy for a while until the problem is fixed, the mess is cleaned up, and the car is running smoothly again. Mess is nothing to fear as long as you’re willing to see it through. Take 100% responsibility for your world. Your truth opened up a whole can of worms? Good. It probably needed to be opened. Now stay with it. Help sort through the muck and clean up. See. It. Through.

As humans, we learn through our lived experience, and we are all in various states of growth and change. Respect in all areas of life – work included – demands that we honour the human experience. Commit to creating a new lived experience for yourself – one that grows you in the direction of empowerment and self-leadership.

If you would like help getting clarity on your truth and building the confidence to bring it forward with professionalism and respect, I invite you to connect with me.

This is part 1 of a 3-part blog series on speaking your truth at work. In part 2, we’ll explore how you can use mental models to get even greater clarity on the stories holding you in status quo, and how to use those models to create new stories for yourself. Part 3 will specifically guide those in leadership roles on how to cultivate cultures of truth and respect, and the value that brings to organizational success.

The Bottom Line in Leadership

March 9, 2021/in Blog, Business Coaching, Leadership/by Melissa Dawn

Tell me… do you know why I often start these posts with a question?

I do it because the question is the point. It’s what I want you to ponder. It’s my bottom line.

Bottom lining is a coaching and leadership skill that facilitates clear communication, forward progression, and strong interpersonal connections.

It’s also a self leadership skill that empowers you to get clear on what you need in the moment, and what next steps you need to take.

So… what is bottom lining? It’s getting to the root of what you want to convey. This acts as a starting point for discussion, or a turning point in conversations that are getting off track.

Clear Communication

As a leadership technique, the bottom line is about clarity. Here’s what that could look like:

“The bottom line is, these two teams need to communicate and that isn’t happening right now. What’s holding us back?”
“The bottom line is, we have a roadblock that can’t be eliminated. What are some alternate paths to explore?”

Of course, you don’t have to use the phrase “bottom line”:

“I made a mistake that’s delayed us by 2 weeks. I feel frustrated and guilty that I’ve let the team down. I want to make this right.”
“I’ve noticed your work quality slipping. These are tough times and we all have individual challenges as well. I’m not here to blame, I’m here to understand and see what we can shift to improve things. What’s coming up for you?”
“As I understand, the core issue is that you’re feeling unfulfilled and you want a new challenge. Tell me what that looks like to you.”

You’ll notice that these bottom line statements clearly state the heart of the issue without offering solutions. In this way, they open the door to discussion, while guiding that discussion along the right path.

Forward Progression

We’ve all been involved in meetings or email chains that go off on tangents or stall. Sometimes tangents are things that need to be explored at another time, but are now taking away from the core issue. And when a discussion stalls, it’s often because the core issue isn’t clear or has been lost in a long winded speech or email.

When we are clear and concise, we empower forward movement.

When a discussion stalls:

Bring it back to the bottom line in one or two short sentences:
- “The core issue is XYZ. What are our options in that regard?”
If doing so does not kick start the conversation, people may simply need time to think and that’s ok. Be clear on that too:
- “Let’s take the day to consider our options regarding XYZ. We’ll meet back here at 9am tomorrow.”

When a discussion goes off on tangents:

Bring it back on track while respecting any issues that need to be addressed at another time:
- “I see we also have ABC and DEF to discuss. I’ve noted them and will set up a separate discussion. Today, our core issue is XYZ. Let’s get back to that.”

Strong Interpersonal Connections

Uncertainty makes people uneasy. Conversations that drag are draining. Meetings where nothing moves forward are demotivating. Getting bogged down in passing blame and finding fault kills productivity and shuts down engagement.

Clarity, on the other hand, is kindness. It energizes people, puts them at ease, and facilitates co-creative problem solving. It leaves no room for judgement or other negative behaviours.

Even when there are no solutions in sight (yet), clarity on the core issues helps people feel anchored and helps them understand where they fit in the big picture.

When you consistently provide that clarity, you become a person to trust. People turn to you as a leader, see you as a person of honesty and integrity, and know that if they come to you with a problem, you will look at it objectively and help create solutions.

This is a huge deal in a world where many people in leadership positions still use blame and shame as management tactics. Many people hide mistakes and avoid bringing up problems because they fear being blamed.

These days, parents are advised to stop their children from lying by giving them no reason to lie. When a child comes to you with a mistake they’ve made, you acknowledge their honesty and help guide them toward solutions. And guess what? It works!

The same logic works with people of all ages. When you are someone who simply gets to the bottom line – leaving behind those outdated practices of blame, shame and punitive consequences – you give the people you lead no reason but to be open and honest with you. That is how you build strong connections through bottom lining.

Leadership BONUS: The bottom line makes you a better listener

There’s an expression that managers talk and leaders listen. When you focus on getting to the bottom line instead of talking in circles, you open the floor for others to speak, giving you the opportunity to truly listen and understand.

There’s a bottom lining tactic called W.A.I.T, which stands for Why Am I Talking. As a leader, you sometimes need to convey important information. In that case, getting to the point is critical.

However, most of the time as a leader, your objective is to understand. In that case, it’s equally critical that you get to the point because… “Why am I talking?” You’re talking to open up discussion. Say what needs to be said, then listen.

Bottom Lining and Self Leadership

Even in our communications with ourselves, when we finally get through our own ruminations and solidify our bottom line, it’s like the clouds clear!

Getting to your own bottom line could look like:

“I went into work and was distressed to find a pink slip in my inbox. I feel terrible and a lot is coming up right now.”
“That person said something that triggered my own feelings of shame. I need to explore that.”
“There are too many demands on me right now and it isn’t sustainable.”
“I’m feeling responsible for things that aren’t within my control. I need to get clear on what I truly can control in this situation.”
“I’m in a bad mood because I don’t like the way I ended that phone call.”

Now, read those statements again. This time, imagine you are in these situations, but did not take a moment to clearly state the bottom line to yourself. What would your outward behaviour look like?

If you’re like most people, chances are that bottom line would be trying to find a way to get your attention. It would crop up as snapping at other people, a sense of brain fog, lower productivity, disproportionate anger at minor challenges, and so on.

Remember, clarity is kindness. With yourself as well.

When you get to the bottom line with yourself, you learn to trust and honour yourself as well, and give yourself the mental space and clarity to respond instead of react.

So… if you’re struggling today, ask yourself, “What’s my bottom line?”

If you’re interested in developing your bottom lining skills and strengthening your leadership skills through self leadership, I invite you to connect with me.

Finding Strength in Covid – Live Webinar

March 5, 2021/in Blog, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

March 2020 may not have been the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, but it was around that time that most of the world started taking measures to slow the spread. Measures that many of us expected to be short term.

Nearly one year later, the world is still struggling with pandemic measures.

People have been working from isolation, schools have been opening and closing, businesses have been restricted, hospitals have stretched to their limits and beyond, personal and global challenges unrelated to the pandemic have continued to arise.

We are all exhausted.

There is still no clear end in sight.

And yet… life continues.

How do we continue to find strength in these times? How do we support others?

On Thursday, March 25th at 12 PM, I invite you to join me live for a powerful webinar, backed by research, indigenous wisdom and experience, that will guide you to:

Find and create strength in times of crisis and burnout
Show up as a leader for others
Build resilience against burnout
Adopt unique tactics to navigate unique circumstances
Create meaning, hope and shared purpose for yourself and the people you lead

I will guide you through 6 proven coaching strategies for finding and maintaining inner strength through difficult times.

This will be an interactive and up close webinar during which we will even demonstrate some of the strategies live, talk through the core challenges brought on by pandemic measures, and explore different lenses through which to view the present and future.

What: Live webinar, Finding Strength in Covid
Where: LinkedIn Event
When: Thursday, March 25th at 12 PM

Register here >

Cost: Free
Duration: 45 min

As an entrepreneur, parent and coach, I have spent the past year navigating this pandemic myself and guiding others through the ups and downs of chaos and uncertainty.

I am overjoyed to be hosting this event and excited to get some insightful discussions going. If you have any questions about the webinar or about leading yourself and others in uncertain times, please connect with me.

Ps. I’m also excited to announce that for the third year in a row, CEO of Your Life has been named one of Hubspot’s 22 best business coaching services. If you are interested in coaching or speaking with CEO of Your Life, I invite you to check out my range of offerings. I have a great deal of experience working in person and remotely and would love to speak to you about your needs and expectations.

Diversity & Inclusion: How creating cultures of integration brings us all to greater heights

February 6, 2021/in Blog, Human Resources, Leadership, Talent Management/by Melissa Dawn

Creating cultures of integration brings us all to greater heights

Let me ask you… what does integration mean to you?

By definition, integration means bringing different things together. When we do that, the result is something new.

Imagine a bunch of different ingredients – flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, eggs, milk, butter – each with its own unique properties. When combined, those unique properties work together to co-create something wonderful (in this example, pancakes!).

The properties of each ingredient have value on their own, but it’s when they’re integrated that they bring the full force of that value forward.

What do pancakes have to do with diversity and inclusion in the workplace?

People are not pancakes. We’re not flour, sugar, butter… but we are all unique, each with our own strengths, talents and passions that bring great value to the organizations we work for… IF our organizational culture is one of integration.

Integration > Assimilation

Many organizations say they’re practicing diversity, but it’s really assimilation, meaning people are hired and expected to work themselves into the existing environment.

This misses the beauty of diversity, which is to create something even better – for your organization, your people, your community and the world.

With integration, people are hired and/or promoted with the expectation that they bring unique value, and that the environment will evolve in positive ways through that inclusion.

I can only go so far with the pancake metaphor, but imagine as each ingredient is added, it takes on the properties of baking powder instead of shining its own uniqueness. Not very effective!

Creating a workplace culture that welcomes, empowers and integrates uniqueness leads to wonderful things like greater creativity, innovation, engagement, collaboration, problem solving and more.

Why Diversity Matters for Business

Aside from the fact that it is the right – the human – thing to do, diversity and inclusion matter to a company’s overall success and placement within the global business community.

Earlier this year, the industry firm Catalyst published a report on the business case for diversity and inclusion, which includes such benefits as:

Lower turnover
Higher engagement
Greater innovation
Better decision making
Lower rates of team conflict

They also reported that organizations that prioritize inclusion experience boosts in their overall reputation, and that many consumers are more likely to purchase from a business they see as diverse and/or inclusive.

All that said, the report also points out that, “Instead of trying to seek that elusive “proof” that diversity causes improved business performance, companies should focus on diversity as a talent issue, and recognize that to be an industry leader, it is critical to tap into the full talent pool.”

Why wouldn’t you want the best and most diverse talent possible? People who challenge the norms and expand your field of possibilities?

Beyond Headcount

Of course, one of the first steps in creating a diverse organizational culture is actually having a diverse workforce, at ALL levels. That’s where you may need to examine your hiring and promotion practices.

Many companies already do this… and they stop there.

Whether I’m coaching individuals, teams or organizations, I always say that to create something different, you have to do things differently. If you’re changing your hiring practices, but your internal culture stays the same, you aren’t really doing things differently.

Beyond diversity is inclusion – cultivating a culture where everyone feels included – and beyond that is integration – cultivating a culture where everyone is valued.

Value in Action

What does it mean to actually value someone? Value in action looks like:

Openly recognizing contributions
Holding authentic conversations
Asking for input and advice
Taking all opinions into consideration
Getting curious about strengths, interests and passions, especially beyond the job description
Constructive feedback
Active listening
Regular face time where people are given your full attention
Interest in, and guidance for, professional and personal development
Embracing conflict as an opportunity for better understanding

It is primarily intangible actions – behaviours and practices baked into the culture – that tell people whether or not they are genuinely valued.

A person who feels valued feels secure in bringing more and more of their uniqueness forward, integrating that uniqueness into their team and the overall organization, contributing to a culture of continual evolution towards higher and higher levels.

Creating a Culture of Integration

You’ll never know what awesomeness people can really bring to the table unless you do the work to create a safe space for all of it to come forward.

Here are 5 ways to start transforming your workplace culture into one of integration:

Prioritize authenticity
If you really want people to go above toeing the line, you have to make authenticity a real priority. That means, letting people be human, making it ok to get it wrong, thanking people for sharing ideas that are different, and setting the example by stepping into your own authenticity.

Assume a mindset of anything is possible
It’s such a common thing in business environments to get caught in that “this is just the way it’s done” mindset. Especially in times of chaos. But that’s how you get stuck and growth stalls. Be intentional about adopting an “anything is possible” mindset at all times. If you are clear on your values and goals, staying open to possibilities won’t throw you off track. It’ll get you on an even stronger path.

Value the whole person, not just their direct contribution
What someone brings to their role is important – their skills, experience and practical knowledge. However, if you want people to be engaged, creative and productive, they need to bring the full force of their strengths and energy into the work that they do. As a leader, you need to be the one driving this by living it yourself and valuing it in others. Get curious about what fires people up, what they enjoy in their downtime, what other interests they have, their personal goals and passions.For example, maybe someone is really into health and fitness in their personal time, but they never talk about it at work. If you get curious about it and ask them about it, maybe other people overhear or they start mentioning their interests from time to time. Maybe that turns into a group of people becoming running buddies, either in person or through an app. Now you have employees connected to each other in a stronger way. By finding that point of connection, they develop better relationships that translate to more creative collaboration. Whether it’s cooking, travelling, reading, meditation, online gaming, writing fan fiction, creating makeup tutorials, celebrating holidays, following cricket… celebrate people bringing their joys and interests forward to create an inclusive, integrated work culture.
Establish an internal coaching & mentorship program
It isn’t just hiring practices that hold people back and keep work cultures homogenous instead of dynamic. Your internal development and promotion practices need to change as well. Take an honest look at how careers evolve within your organization and who is rising through the ranks. Chances are, whether the practice is intentional or not, it’s mostly people who follow the status quo that get promoted. That’s a red flag that not only is your culture not inclusive, it also isn’t growth focused. One way to combat this stagnancy is to develop an internal coaching & mentorship program where the focus is on uncovering and growing the unique strengths and talents of your people and guiding them to align what fuels them with organizational objectives. This may require coaching your leadership to become coaches within the organization, and that is a powerful way to kick off top-down change that cultivates multi-level evolution.
Learn to lead from the heart
Many of us want to welcome all ideas and perspectives. We want dynamic and inclusive workplace cultures where innovation and going against the grain are celebrated. So, why can it feel like such a challenge? One reason is that we aren’t conscious of how much our behaviours and actions aren’t coming from our true selves. From a young age, most of us are taught that fitting in is better than standing out. We then bring that mentality into our professional lives, limiting ourselves and everyone around us. Embracing heart-based leadership is about reconnecting with the core of who you are, what you truly believe, and what matters to you. It means identifying your limiting beliefs and cutting them off at the root so that the best parts of you can thrive. When you do that, you can lead from a place of genuine authenticity; a place of vulnerability and courage. This is how you become a safe space for others to bring their truest and best selves forward, driving inclusion and integration in such a powerful way.

The bottom line is, everyone benefits when diversity is celebrated – when we elevate it to something critical to our advancement and success as individuals, organizations and a society, rather than a line item to check off.

When we see the things that make us different as things that make us better, we empower diversity in all forms and open up endless possibilities to reach higher and higher levels.

If you would like guidance in how to put value into action and create a culture of integration, I invite you to connect with me.

The Triangle of Disempowerment

February 4, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Career Coaching, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Human Resources, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

Tell me… do you know what disempowerment means?

It means to cause someone to be less powerful, making them less likely to succeed.

If we look around the world, there are endless examples of disempowerment and many of us, when we see these situations, are able to say, “That isn’t right. That needs to stop.”

But… are you able to recognize when you are the one being disempowered? What about when the person causing you to be less powerful is also… you?

We have a word for this – self-sabotage – but it sounds aggressive and we tend to think, “I would never sabotage myself and I’d notice if I were doing it.”

But when we look at that less aggressive definition – causing ourselves to be less powerful and less likely to succeed – and reflect on the ways we speak to ourselves and how that translates to our choices and behaviours, it becomes clearer how we can slide into stories of disempowerment without realizing it.

The Struggle is Real, the Lens is Not

The word “disempower” puts the power where it truly is: within you. If you can disempower yourself, you can empower yourself.

So… why is it such a struggle? Why is it so hard to empower our best selves forward?

It comes down to patterns. Patterns we grew up with, patterns that surround us, patterns we fell into during difficult times… patterns not only become comfort zones, they become our lens.

When we experience a pattern over and over again, it can become the lens through which we see the world. “This is just the way it is”, we believe. That’s what keeps us stuck – the belief that this is the world and there’s nothing we can do about it.

The truth is, you create your world. Whether you empower yourself to make things happen for you, or you disempower yourself with a mindset that things just happen to you, you are creating your world.

The Triangle of Disempowerment

The concept of the triangle was first described in the 1960’s by the psychiatrist Dr. Stephen B. Karpman, who referred to it as the “Drama Triangle”. The Drama Triangle framework has been used to understand a number of different relationship dynamics. In my leadership training, the term “Triangle of Disempowerment” was used and it’s the term I prefer because it tells you, right away, why you don’t want to let yourself get caught in this type of dynamic. After all, it may sound harmless to enjoy a little drama from time to time, but when you realize the ways it can take your power away, you’re better positioned to take back authorship of your life.

Although you may not have heard the phrase, the “triangle of disempowerment” (or drama triangle – whichever term you prefer) is an incredibly common pattern that you’re probably familiar with. If you’re not currently stuck in this triangle, odds are you’ve been caught up in it before. I know I have!

The triangle if disempowerment is a lot like a story with 3 main characters:

• The Victim
The Victim has a mindset of “I’m not good enough and I never will be. The cards are stacked against me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m just not made that way and I can’t do what others can do.”

With all these uncontrollable forces, the Victim is absolved of any responsibility for their world, and believes it’s the responsibility of others to help them because they are unable to help themselves. They may also use blame claiming their eternal victimhood is the fault of how they were raised, or some other force they did not choose.

• The Rescuer
The Rescuer derives purpose and self worth from what they can do for others, and doesn’t see themselves as having value outside that. Often, the Rescuer mindset is a way to avoid responsibility for their own personal growth by claiming responsibility for the growth or success of others.

The Rescuer needs to be needed and sometimes even takes on the role of martyr, claiming they need to sacrifice themselves for the good of those around them.

• The Persecutor
The Persecutor believes the world is dangerous and everyone is out to get them, so they need to stay on the defensive. Persecutors are often aggressive and combative, believing they need to strike first so no one can take advantage of them. Not surprisingly, by showing up from a place of war, the Persecutor puts others on the defensive, thereby creating a world for themselves that matches their belief.

The Persecutor’s greatest fear is losing control and becoming a Victim.

These 3 characters need each other. The Victim needs the Rescuer to enable them and the Persecutor to provide “proof” that the world really is stacked against them. The Rescuer needs the Victim to give them purpose and the Persecutor to provide a villain from whom to protect the Victim. The Persecutor also needs the Victim to provide “proof” – proof that the world is dangerous and their greatest fear is real. They also need the Rescuer as proof that no one will help them, so they have no choice but to look out for number one.

Think about classic fairy tales. There is almost always a damsel in distress who is victimized by the villain and must be rescued by the prince. It’s a story we’re so familiar with that we play it out in life over and over again (although in life, the characters can be of any gender identity).

Getting Stuck in the Triangle

Think about the Bermuda Triangle – expert navigators getting caught in the chaos, unable to find their way out.

Being “stuck” means to be caught in repetitive patterns or stories that play out over and over again. The stuck person struggles to see a way out and often isn’t even aware of how they are creating their stuck situation, much like a lost pilot, completely unaware that they’ve been going in circles.

There are many ways we can get stuck in life – different patterns or beliefs that leave us feeling like we can’t move forward. The Triangle of Disempowerment is not the only way to get stuck, but it is an incredibly common one.

Here’s what stuckness could look like in the triangle:

• The Victim
The Victim tells themselves that they are incapable of overcoming challenges. But… life is full of challenges! With that mindset of “I can’t”, the Victim goes out into the world and encounters challenge after challenge, “proving” their story to be true. Anyone who helps the Victim proves they cannot help themselves. Anyone who doesn’t help them proves that the world is stacked against them. They are stuck.

• The Rescuer
Many Rescuers are in close relationships with Victims – a friend, family member, partner, adult child, etc. The Victim’s continual needs and proclaimed inability to take care of themselves reinforces the Rescuer’s story that they are needed and that they cannot prioritize their own needs or wants because the Victim comes first. They are stuck.

• The Persecutor
The Persecutor is caught in a story of everyone being out to get them, so they enter every interaction ready for a fight. When confronted with this aggressive approach, people around them naturally either fight back or flee, proving to the Persecutor that this is the way of the world. People will either run from them or attack them, so they must be ready. They are stuck.

Here’s a key truth: What you put out into the world reinforces the story you tell yourself. That’s where “stuckness” happens, and it’s also what it means to create your own world.

And there’s incredible power in that. When you recognize the pattern or story you’re stuck in, you can recognize the ways that you have created it. If you created that for yourself, you can create anything for yourself by telling yourself a new story.

Whether you are stuck in this triangle, or stuck in some other way, navigating your way out is all about becoming aware of the patterns holding you in disempowerment so that you can start making different choices. Empowered choices. Worthy choices.

Worthiness & Getting Unstuck

Getting unstuck starts by taking 100% responsibility for your world.

Not THE world. Of course there are things in the world you can’t control. YOUR world. Your mindset, attitude, beliefs, inner leadership, choices, the way you show up… all of that is your world and it is all within your control.

Seizing that is how you break patterns of disempowerment to EMpower yourself.

Let’s go back to our stuck pilot. Caught in the Bermuda Triangle, lacking clarity and awareness, our disempowered pilot is just going in circles. Outside the triangle, there are still challenges to overcome, but the pilot can see the way around or through them. They make choices with their destination in mind. They are empowered by this clarity to get to where they want to go.

In life, getting out of the Triangle of Disempowerment means recognizing your stuck patterns, recognizing your responsibility for them, and recognizing that you are worthy of moving forward. It means recognizing that the story you’ve been telling yourself (or believing from others) is just that – a story.

One thing the Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor have in common is that all three look outside themselves for their sense of self worth. But worthiness comes from within. It’s rooted in honouring your true self, your humanity, your unique strengths and passions, your life purpose, and choosing to be the author of your own story.

Putting your self worth outside yourself is a disempowering choice. It puts the control in someone else’s hands. The way other people show up, their behaviour, their choices, all speak to your worth as a person when you are in the triangle.

Just as you put it in their hands, you can take it back. That choice is yours and always has been. Reclaiming your self worth as rightfully yours is an empowering choice. One that gets you unstuck.

My Story

Looking back from where I am now, I can clearly see many times throughout my life when I was caught in the Triangle of Disempowerment. But when I think of the triangle today, it’s a recent experience that comes to mind.

Pre-Covid, I had planned to participate in a guided meditation. It was an in-person group event at a remote location. After a series of circumstances outside my control, I eventually arrived, late and feeling flustered. The shaman – a friend and guide – greeted me with comments that I took as a reprimand.

After the meditation, though I felt refreshed and energized, I was also still struggling with the negative feelings from that interaction. I decided to lean into it and broach the subject with her. It turned out, her words were not meant as a reprimand, but came from her feelings of concern and worry as she knew I had been driving on dangerous, icy roads.

Oh my! I realized I had slid into my old story of victimhood. However, this time I had made the empowering choice to have the difficult conversation. Many years ago, I would have stayed quiet, wanting to keep the peace and not “be difficult”.

I would have prioritized being seen as worthy instead of stepping into my own self worth.

This time, having done the inner work to reclaim my self worth and take full responsibility for my world, I made the choice to break my old pattern by advocating for myself with courage, and facing conflict from a place of curiosity. What a difference! What a journey!

Stepping Into Self Worth

When faced with a situation where you might normally adopt one of the 3 roles of the triangle, take a mindful moment – even just 5 seconds – and ask yourself, “Do I want to be SEEN as worthy, or do I want to BE worthy?”

The truth is, no one can give you your worth. No one can fill that void for you – not people, not money, not job titles… And no one can take your worth away.

You are worthy, just the way you are.
You are worthy of working on yourself.
You are worthy of taking action.
You are worthy of change.
You are worthy of help, support and guidance in healing yourself, AND you must take 100% responsibility for making it happen for you.

The way out of the triangle is to lean into yourself. And you are worthy of that too.

Commit to taking authorship of your life by changing the story you tell yourself. Do so with intention and repetition, embedding a new story of personal empowerment that will see you bringing more of your true self forward every day, building healthy relationships with yourself and others, and creating a world for yourself that is fulfilling and joyful. In your new story, make yourself the Hero. The Hero is different from the Rescuer. The Rescuer depends on the existence of a Victim and Persecutor for their purpose. The Hero depends on themselves for purpose, choosing to take their story where they want it to go.

The Book of the Hero

Imagine you are born with two books. In one book is everything you cannot and will not control. It tells the story of where and when you are born, the family you’re born into, your genetic makeup, the things that will happen around you, and so on. There is nothing in this story that you control; it will simply play out as you go through life.

The second book is the Hero’s story. This book is blank at the beginning because it’s yours to write. As you go through life, it fills up with everything you can control. It tells the story of what you do with everything in the first book – how you respond, the choices you make, the relationships you cultivate, the way you show up, the values you embody. You are authoring this book every day of your life, whether you do so consciously or not. Most importantly, you can change the course of the story at any moment.

If, up until now, you’ve been telling yourself a story of disempowerment, start telling a new one.

Here are 4 steps you can take right now to start telling a new story and getting yourself unstuck:

Identify a limiting story you tell yourself.
Write a new story that empowers you.
Find or create affirmations that reinforce your story of empowerment.
Set aside a single minute each day to take some deep breaths, speak your affirmations to yourself, and to lean into that energy as if it’s already in your life.

Going forward, as that first book unfolds, continually ask yourself, “How can this become a story of empowerment? How do I become my own hero in this moment?”

If you would like help, support and guidance in getting unstuck and breaking your own cycles of disempowerment by connecting with your inner leader, I invite you to connect with me.

Make 2021 the Year of Mindful You

January 6, 2021/in Being True To Yourself, Blog, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone, Leadership, Life Coaching/by Melissa Dawn

After over a year of pandemic measures and without a clear end in sight, how do we energize ourselves to face things with strength and positivity?

The exact steps we take will be a unique journey for everyone, but mindfulness can be a major partner in finding and maintaining your path, and empowering you to start the new year with hope and meaning.

Here are 3 things I shared with Global News that will help you create a mindful year:

Q – What is mindfulness and why is it important?

Mindfulness is being aware of your mental chatter and not allowing it to get to a point where it takes over or depletes you.

There’s a common misconception that mindfulness means totally clearing your mind, and that you have to do that before practicing mindfulness. Not at all. Mindfulness is the practice of calming your mental chatter, meaning you can start from any mind state. To whatever degree you’re able to calm that mental chatter and move towards inner stillness will deepen your connection to your heart and your true self.

With COVID, many of us haven’t been able to see our families. Some might have lost their livelihood, have the kids home full time, been caring for sick loved ones, been struggling with impossible daily routines… It’s understandable that there is more mental chatter going on in our minds than usual.

This is why mindfulness is more important than ever. While we might be tempted to try tuning out that chatter, avoidance will only make it louder. When we accept its presence – observe it without judgement – it begins to settle. In this way, mindfulness reduces stress and anxiety, allows us to relax, improves our well-being, and allows us to be more present in the moment and think more clearly.

It allows us to make more conscious choices rather than mechanical ones – to respond instead of react. In this way, we not only improve our own well being, we become connected to a larger forward movement for humanity.

Q – When is it best to take a mindfulness moment?

There isn’t one right way or time. It’s about what works for you. Just like some people prefer to exercise in the morning, some at lunch, some in the evening, mindfulness is personal to everyone, and it needs to work within your life.

A lot of people think that mindfulness means waking up at 4 AM and meditating in a calm environment for an hour, so they don’t do it. But mindfulness can be as simple as a 5 second practice of stillness.

Stillness is a key element of mindfulness. It helps us create clarity through the mind chatter, allowing us to hear the messages of our hearts without our brains hogging the microphone.

The whole point is to become aware of your mind chatter. Becoming aware of it is progress. You can use stillness to calm the mental and emotional chatter in your brain so that you can tune into the intuitive wisdom of your heart.

Q – How do you take a mindfulness moment? Do you have any quick tricks to breathe?

There are several ways to practice. I will share 5 ways with you today.

1. You can choose slow, long, deep breaths. Most of the time we are rushed and take short breaths without even realizing it. Intentional deep breaths can be done anytime, anywhere and have such a transformative effect.

As you take your deep breaths, focus on your heart, focus on your stomach. It’s amazing how fast you can get out of your head, out of your mind chatter, and reset by doing so.

2. You can also go out and observe nature. Our ancestors spent a lot of time in nature. Nature is very grounding. It’s a way to connect to the earth.

Go outside. I know it’s cold, but even if it’s just for a few minutes. Pay attention to your senses in nature. What do you hear, smell, see, feel, taste? Notice which way the breeze is going. Which way is your breath going? You can touch a tree. Sit or lie down. It takes you out of your thoughts and reminds you that you are part of something bigger.

3. You can practice 5 seconds of mindfulness. Most of us think that’s a short period of time, but it isn’t when you’re experiencing those 5 seconds mindfully. Believe it or not, the act of counting itself is a way to stay focused and present.

Take the time to count out 5 seconds. Those seconds are more powerful than most people realize.

4. While you are taking your deep breaths, you can do mindful affirmations.

Many people think you need to take major action to create real change in your life like changing jobs, changing relationships, moving to another city… The truth is, you can create a whole new reality just by changing small daily habits. Mindful affirmations are one of those changes.

The purpose behind the affirmation you choose is what you want to move towards in your life. For example, “I am enough.” The world in 2020 has been tough enough on us, We owe it to ourselves to remind ourselves that we are enough.

“My feelings are important.” “I am loved.” Affirmations train your brain how to think. It’s you carving out new neural pathways, like ski tracks in fresh snow getting more deeply set with each run. It’s you rewiring your brain to believe these affirmations.

5. Guided meditations are another choice. You can find so many of them that can be as short as 1 minute. Find them on YouTube, Spotify, or apps like Insight Timer, Headspace, Calm, and Aura.

Meditation is giving yourself the gift of time – time to let go of judgement and expectation, to tune into your curiosity and creativity, and to live within your inner experience with kindness, compassion and wonder. It’s a gift that re-gives. When you are kind to yourself in this way, it ripples outward to those around you, creating a domino effect of inner and outer kindness.

Mindfulness is not a one size fits all approach. It’s about finding the sweet spot of what works for you and really gets you out of the constant mind chatter and into the present moment. It helps you be kinder and more compassionate with yourself and others, and helps you make decisions from a better place.

If you would like help bringing mindfulness into your life for 2021, I invite you to connect with me.

Wishing you an energizing new year!

Archive for year: 2021

Qu’est-ce que je veux dire par “bizarreries” ?

Laissez votre côté bizarre briller !

Plus facile à dire qu’à faire.

1. Posez-vous les bonnes questions

2. Vous ne pouvez pas changer ce que vous n’acceptez pas

3. Soyez honnête sur ce qui vous bloque

4. À qui donnez-vous le micro ?

5. Définissez l’intention de mettre de l’avant votre côté leader, «bizarre», au quotidien

Des limites personnelles saines ?

Les limites et la peur

Soyez confortable avec l’inconfortable

Mon parcours

Comment définir et maintenir des limites personnelles saines

1. Identifiez où vous devez définir ou adapter vos limites.

2. Acceptez la réalité de la situation

3. Lâchez prise

4. Préparez-vous à la résistance des autres

5. Rappelez-vous pourquoi vous faites cela.

6.Restez alerte.

7. Soyez conscient des niveaux de conscience.

8. Souvenez-vous toujours que si vous voulez quelque chose de différent, vous devez faire quelque chose de différent.

9. Si vous êtes parent, de saines limites comptent x2.

10. Commencez doucement.

11. Faites attention à vos paroles.

12. Faites la différence entre la compassion et la capitulation.

Pourquoi donc tant de gens ont du mal à tenir des conversations plus significatives ?

Voici 14 façons de créer des conversations professionnelles authentiques qui font véritablement avancer les choses:

1. Prenez le contrôle de votre état d’esprit et de votre attitude lors de la conversation.

2. Assumez votre part

3. Identifiez votre BATNA.

4. Explorez l’autre côté; soyez curieux !

5. Pratiquez «l’écoute de niveau 3».

6. Posez les bonnes questions et approfondissez.

7. Faites votre part et initiez l’authenticité.

8. Soyez conscient des mots que vous dites (et ne dites pas).

9. Dévoilez votre colonne de gauche.

Essayez ceci:

10. Choisissez comment vous répondrez.

11. Alignez-vous sur un objectif commun.

12. Voyez comment les autres se sentent pendant la conversation.

13. Sachez où se termine votre responsabilité et où commence celle de quelqu’un d’autre.

14. Ne quittez pas la conversation sans pouvoir aller de l’avant.

Essayez de ne pas laisser une conversation se terminer tant que:

Understanding your mental models sparks the clarity you need to speak your truth in the workplace with confidence and courage.

What are Mental Models and How do They Impact Our Truth?

Why do Mental Models Stop us From Speaking Our Truth?

Mental Models Can Create “Roadblock Conflict”

Identifying Your Mental Models

Here’s how to use the sheet:

1. Be clear and granular on the subject.

2. Determine who else is involved.

3. Get curious about your truth.

4. Get curious about their truth, as you know it.

5. Explore the potential of “Us Together”.

What Next?

Using Mental Model Awareness to Move Forward in Truth

Here are 4 approaches to consider in bringing your truth forward:

Bring your worksheet to the other person.

Have both of you complete the worksheet separately, then come together.

Break the ice with vulnerability.

Invite collaboration.

Why Truth is Hard in the Workplace

Learning From Fear vs. Leading From Fear

What Happens When You Speak Your Truth at Work?

Who Can Lead a Truth Shift?

When it Backfires

What it Looks Like to Speak Your Truth in Professional Relationships

15 Tips & Mindset Shifts to Prepare for Workplace Truth

Clear Communication

Forward Progression

Strong Interpersonal Connections

Leadership BONUS: The bottom line makes you a better listener

Bottom Lining and Self Leadership

How do we continue to find strength in these times? How do we support others?

Creating cultures of integration brings us all to greater heights

Integration > Assimilation

Why Diversity Matters for Business

Beyond Headcount

Value in Action